Living with DH's anxiety

[TrailTrail]

I know I'm being unreasonable but it's exhausting.

It's not his fault and he's on medication and in therapy, and his case worker has recently asked me if I ever thought DH might be autistic (I've wondered that for years TBH).

It's just draining some days. Any change to a routine, any responsibility, every event is seen through his 'worst case' eyes. He's a clean freak and stresses so much about any mess/dirt. His hands are raw from washing. To make sure a light is off, he turns it on/off/on/off/on/off. Locked door checked several times. Any decision is life or death.

I'm an optimistic person, very positive and pro active, but sometimes he makes me anxious with his what if this what if that questions.

Anyone else live with a DH with mental health issues? Did you get through?

Why do you assume you're unreasonable?

Personally I could never live with this, it would destroy my own mental health.

Just because it's not his fault doesn't mean you have to live with him. Your life and happiness are important too.

I honestly don't know the answer to this. Because of course, it's an illness and unlike many people it does sound like he is genuinely trying to get help and to improve and you wouldn't abandon someone who had cancer.

But it is exhausting and I do feel your pain. If he can understand why his behaviours are a problem, is there a way for you to get respite? I mean, do you feel you are his carer and need to be with him 24/7 which adds to the problem? Can you get help or that or find ways to get your own time and space?

It sounds really difficult for you. Personally I couldn’t live with someone like this, it would make me extremely unhappy. Only you know if you’re prepared to spend the rest of your life like this.

You don’t have to live like this. You don’t. It doesn’t matter what’s causing his behaviour, the impact on you is completely toxic. It’s okay to give yourself permission to choose a happier life.

Was he like this when you first met ?

Totally not unreasonable at all.... not many could live like that.

My DH has regular bouts of health anxiety, normally brought on by stress. It's very hard to deal with sometimes. I certainly find it hard to know what to do for the best.

I swing from being sympathetic to being pissed off quite regularly!

My DH has had poor MH for the whole of our 30 yr marriage. Some days it’s so difficult. If you are committed to making it work and he is obviously trying by being medicated & having therapy can I suggest you join some support groups/have some time to yourself every day/an activity/friends just for you. Hopefully if you explain the effect this has on you he will actively want to help you cope. For me it was almost a kind of grief as I let go of the marriage I thought I would have and stopped comparing us to other couples. Once I tried to accept his illness I found myself more at peace. Only you can know if you can stand it and if you can still see the DH you fell in love with underneath it all.

Does he acknowledge the effect it has on you and sympathise? Offer you understanding? That would make a difference to me.

I personally couldn't live with someone with the level of anxiety, the stress would make me unwell.

Has he always been like this? Have you got children?

If you decide to stay with him, and you should never feel obliged or guilted into accepting this situation if it turns out to be permanent and the various therapies do little to help (and lets face it some aspects will improve with therapy and meds but some may never change) Then you need to get some very tough boundaries in place and be very direct with him, these are the terms he has to agree to in order for you to live a healthy life whilst also making adjustments for his mental health. It is worth remembering he didn't choose to be mentally ill, so he isn't doing it deliberately to upset you.

For instance I would be agreeing to the following:

1. He stops with the 'what ifs' and talks to his therapist about this. He is not allowed to make you live in fear as well and shut it down immediately if it happens. 'We said we were not going to talk like this dh, so please stop now'
   This is for his therapist NOT you

2. He stops himself from checking everything and limits himself to twice. This can help rewire and will be good for him

3. He uses cream sanitiser to stop the rawness and starts working to reduce the washing

4. If you have dc it is imperative that he learns to manage his condition.

5. If he can't manage a change of routine, he needs to come up with strategies to cope with the movement. He needs to recognise his rigid thinking and have some self soothing in place. I did this before, and it was fine etc etc. His therapist should be helping with this. Is he doing CBT? That would be helpful

6. Change the meds if they are not working? Or increase the dosage. This should be reviewed regularly.

7. Your self care plan, and execution is absolutely imperative. Regular girls nights out, fun evenings, spa days, exercise and a whole life that is still your own and does not revolve around his needs. As a bare minimum.

It is your choice op, if he has other qualities that are good and it is not about him and his MH then you can work to make things easier to live with, but with some conditions to protect yourself.

That sounds like OCD though re the cleaning and checking things

yes he should take meds

My DH has always been a quieter person, perhaps down at times but never anxious in the slightest until this year. He had a swollen leg and thought it was a DVT and had his first panic attack. Then the rest of this year has been daily panic attacks, even days where he is not having panic attacks he is anxious that he is going to have one and hyperfocuses on every sensation in his body. He's absolutely convinced that he has a brain tumour everytime he has a mild headache.

I love him very much but its exhausting, I'm medically trained and no matter how many times I calmly explain that he doesn't have the symptoms of a heart attack or a brain tumour I can see it in his eyes that he thinks I'm wrong. He has become quite selfish tbh in some ways, all he can think about is his own anxiety. If he has any symptoms or feels anxious he has to lie down for hours. At those times he's pretty checked out of family life. I was scared to tell him thst I was pregnant incase it set him off again and when I miscarried I felt guilty for being away from the kids incase he was feeling anxious.

Things have settled at the moment, he accessed therapy and now takes citalopram which has been life changing. I can see he has been depressed for at least 6m prior to this anxiety attacks and being medicated has given him his sense of humour back. I can see that he is just unwell, he is not a selfish person and we did have a bit conversation where he felt guilty about being unwell but I said that while I'm happy to support him through his illness he needs to A. Access support and B. Be working towards a goal of being able to function and work and take care of the kids. It's night and day from where we were 6 months ago but it's been the crappest year of my life and I would not like to repeat it.

I think the truth is you also need to take care of your mental health and put yourself first if it is affecting you. It sounds like he is definitely trying to get help and understands it is a problem.

I do not think it is something you can just tell him to “not do this or that” because it’s not that easy when you have mental health issues.