Neighbour let down?

[Regalrose90]

We live in a small close and made friends with an older couple who live across the road. We have known them for around a year.

The husband is 84 but fit and healthy, the wife is 71 and healthy. My partner and I are 32.

As my partner is Italian, he has good old fashioned values about helping out neighbours, especially older people.

We have helped the couple with literally countless things, examples include: giving them our spare doorbell because theirs stopped working, and setting it up for them, giving lift to hospital appointment, baking them birthday cakes and keeping them company, sharing food with them, helping with I.T, helping the wife sell her clothes on fb (not for any gain to me ofc), helping sort out their car insurance, helping them plan their trips to Italy, having them over for dessert, coffee and biscuits regularly, keeping them company, and MANY more things.

Just for context, they have A LOT of money, multiple properties and two extra classic cars. The wife was widowed before meeting her current partner, she gained a huge amount of money from her late husband, and she has never really worked.

As we started to get to know them, we realised they were a bit intense, they don't know when to stop talking, or what is a reasonable time to be at our house for. At times it has been pretty unmanageable and stressful. They kind of talk AT us, and never really ask about us. We always provide coffee, snacks and we always host them. On the occasions that we have gone over to their house, they haven't even offered us a coffee.
We have been incredibly generous and kind to them, but we started to realise that they never actually do anything similar. The wife is INCREDIBLY stingy towards others. She loves to spend a lot of money on herself, and she kind of hoards expensive clothes and furniture that she doesn't use. She often tells us about all the expensive shopping she's done etc. All the while, has never even offered us coffee and biscuits.
There are also just so many red flags with her stinginess and behaviour that have slowly become apparent as we got to know them better. To the point that we started to realise that she is actually not a nice person. It's kind of like the frog in boiling water scenario when you don't realise it's happening gradually.

The only thing we could rely on her for, was to look after our two house bunnies that we really love. She has always loved animals, and was always happy to look after them. Despite all her faults, we always felt very secure in the knowledge that she takes such good care of them when we go away to see partner's parents in Italy.
We would never want anyone to think we are taking advantage, so we always pay her well, as well as bringing her nice gifts from Italy on top of the money. The routine when we go away is to have her round for coffee beforehand and to go through the bunny care etc. Then after we return, to have them over for coffee and biscuits and to give her presents and money.

Lately, it has already started to become a lit of stress seeing them because they are really intense to be around, and constantly just talk about how much money they waste. It's really insensitive and insulting as everyone is struggling with cost of living at the moment. We are in a good position because we are well paid etc. But we aren't overly well off.
But they even do things like moan that their pension hasn't increased with the cost of living. This is just infuriating as they are so wealthy and, like all old people in the UK, they get the winter allowance to pay for their heating bills regardless of how much wealth they have. Whereas, normal working age people have to pay their bills.
All the while these people are using their money and wasting it like water. It's just really annoying to hear about.

It has got to the point where we actually cannot deal with them anymore, and my partner and i actually agreed to each other that the only reason we are still giving them our time is because she is the only person who we can trust to look after the rabbits.

This has now changed.
She told us last week that she won't be able to look after them over Christmas, when we will be away seeing my partner's parents.
We arranged it with her months ago to be sure that she was free to do it, and she had assured us that she definitely could.
The reason for this last minute unavailability, she told us that her daughter has a tumour that needs to be removed, and that this is going to be on 28th Dec, and she has to travel up to take her daughter to the hospital.
We work for the NHS, and we know for a fact that the waiting time she has outlined for this story.
Do not line up with the (non urgent and benign tumour elective surgery waiting times), long story short, there is no way the daughter would be booked in to have a benign tumour removed on 28th Dec.

Just for more context, this woman doesn't like her own daughter, and made a comment before saying that she 'loves her daughter' but 'at the same time wouldn't be bothered if she wasn't born' LOL

she's always saying mean things about her daughter too and has never shown any interest in helping her before.

It is all very fishy because she kind of pre empted that this may be an issue week ago, as she had just opened the gifts we got her from the last trip, and we had just paid her. She said 'now, there is a bit of a problem with Christmas' and started saying yhat her daughter has just found out about this non cancerous tumor that needs to be removed. She said, 'so it might be done on the 28th Dec, but it also might done on the 3rd Dec, so I'm just hoping it's the 3rd so I can still look after the bunnies.' This was just such a weird story because why would it be a toss up between 'maybe' those dates... again, having worked for nhs for a long time and Mt partner being a registered nurse, we know that's not how it works...

Moving on to the next part, this woman had recently found some new friends who are really horrible rude people, but she absolutely loves them and has become quite obsessed. As they are wealthy and flashy, she is always trying to show off by buying things they have, going on shopping trips with them, going on holidays with them etc. She also does anything they say. It's really weird, like a schoolgirl trying to impress the mean popular kids.

Anyway, so I was waiting for her to get back to me about her 'daughter's procedure', and obviously I was stressed because this whole situation could jeopardise us going to see my partner's parents over Christmas, which we had thought for months was already in hand.

So she calls me last night (she is currently away with said friebds) saying that, yeh, she can't look after rabbits for Christmas now because her daughter's procedure will now in fact definitely be on the 28th Dec.

She then proceeded with this plan that she will ask our other neighbours to look after them instead... but we are not comfortable with this because these neighbours aren't very nice and we don't know them well etc. (Story for another day).

Basically, I feel like her new friends probably asked her to go away with them for
New years eve and new year, and so she changed her mind about taking care of the rabbits. So she came up with this story about her daughter's tumour that is 'not cancerous' and she must go up there for the appointment that clearly doesn't exist...

I'm hurt and disappointed, yet still questioning whether I'm the asshole.

I voted YABU because you sound really mean about the daughter's tumour. You've also assumed that they are not telling the truth about it because of your knowledge of waiting times on the NHS. But perhaps she is going private?

If you have pets it's always good to have a couple of options for their care because things can fall through at the last minute for any reason. Glad you have booked them into a hotel instead. Saves a load of drama.

You don't seem to like them very much at all and therefore you should distance yourself from them. They sound very stingy not even offering cake and biscuits. So apart from the rabbit sitting (which you paid them for anyway) they were just taking from you.

Like you said it’s the boiled frog. You started off liking them, then started to realise it was pretty much a one way street. If she wasn’t looking after your bunnies you would probably at that stage started going low contact.

But because she was your go to for the bunnies you kept up what was now becoming to you a facade of good will, and as time has gone on the bunnies were the ONLY reason for you keeping contact. However by not keeping her side of the bargain, you now feel duped by her.

I think your feeling is understandable, but to outsiders it probably seems more simple, and there’s little to make a fuss about.

Just use this as a learning experience to spot these people quicker and walk away unscathed.

I know how you feel as I had a similar situation about a neighbour that was a ‘user’. It involved being asked at the very last minute (they were already at the holiday destination)to feed a bunny. They failed to leave a key where they said it was, stopped answering their phone. I couldn’t get in their house to get the food, so I had to go out a buy rabbit food so the poor thing didn’t starve.

Obviously when the returned, they forgot to thank me or offer any recompense. You live and learn

Thank you, I appreciate that x

I never quite understand why people need a bunch of strangers to tell them whether it's ok to feel the way they feel! If everyone said you were being unreasonable would you take that as you/your feelings being wrong somehow?

Anyway, you don't need to cut them off do you? Just be a reasonably friendly neighbour, say 'hello' when you see them. No need for baking cakes, bringing presents, sharing food etc. It all sounded a bit over the top in the first place. Maybe they found you a bit much and are trying to cool things off, starting by not wanting to mind your "bunnies".

Learn from this OP.

They showed you on dozens and dozens of occasions who they were and you ploughed on.

Learn from it.

I am thinking it is highly unlikely they are going private really, they also would've mentioned it if they were (I know them).
It's also just the general story, and the delivery of it that has been so suspect. I guess it's also one of those things that's hard to describe when you were there for it, if that makes sense. That being said, I appreciate your honesty and objective view, after all, that's why I posted this, for opinions.
My gut, facts, (and yes some assumptions) are just all telling me she's being dishonest.
And to me, it is absolutely fine that she doesn't want to do it, I take no issue with that. My issue is her leaving it until now, and, (most likely) being dishonest.

I am honestly happy that this has happened now though, so I can feel free from them. I don't think we had realised how bad it had gradually become. I always do too much for people, which is totally my fault. I have learnt my lesson. Bunnies will have a great time at the hotel :)

That was a very long winded way to say you’re only nice to these people so they can look after your animals. They clearly recognise you don’t like them and don’t want to do it any more. It doesn’t matter why she can’t do it you are not entitled to her support. the simple matter is she should just have to say no. She doesn’t need to justify it and you getting all she’s lying to me is ott. It’s none of your business why she can’t do it. So what if she’s going on holiday. She isn’t your personal assistant.

This is really a shame. They have always been selfish arseholes but for some reason you convinced yourself (prob inverse agism) that they must be lovely, put yourself out for them and you're now resentful. What a huge waste of time and energy that could have been better spent on nice people! Learn from this, be more discerning. There is a difference between taking a neighbour food during covid - aka essential care you wouldn't begrudge anyone - and selling her old tat on ebay for her. Why did you do this? Look long and hard and if you have excess care, love and energy volunteer where you'll be appreciated.
I also learned this the hard way when a neighbour told me, exhausted, on my knees on Xmas eve "I find it so funny that you enjoy this stuff, I hate shopping and have never bothered before you did it all for me" hahahhahahahahahaha. And she gace every other neighbour a bottle of wine and me nothing. Then her daughter came round on Xmas day and told me I'd go the wrong wine, she liked chardonnay not Sav Blanc but the one-stop was open so I didn't mind swapping it did I? Never again!

Your neighbour may or may not be telling the truth about the daughter. She may have been offered a cancelled appointment? Ultimately it’s their family business and they don’t really need to offer an explanation. In fairness, she’s given you some notice and offered an alternative bunny sitter. You’ve found alternative arrangements so all’s good. And this could be the perfect opportunity to create some much needed distance.

The daughters tumour may or may not be a lie. Maybe she went private or maybe there are complications she's not shared with you. I guess you'll never really know.

Ultimately they don't need your money and were doing you a favour, its not convenient now but you've had notice to arrange something else. Probably best if you all give each other a bit of space........

If you pay a professional you get the guarantees you need.

That was unnecessarily long, but BUNNY HOTEL? 😀 Now that's a place I'd like to work, please tell us more.

You are way other thinking this - they are your neighbours just be friendly if you see them in the street and stop being involved - find Soninke else to watch your pets.

There's such thing as bunny hotels? WTF 😂 that sounds amazing, just say hi in the street and ignore otherwise.

You don't really sound very nice to be honest. The fact you spent so much time writing about their life to strangers online because they wont do a thing for you is a bit concerning.

Hopefully you don't speak to them again. They deserve better.

Well, from your perspective, they do not sound like nice people.

But I don't really think that you sound very nice either. You have fostered this friendship because it suited you, and not for altruistic reasons. Now they can't pet sit, you are dropping them like hot coals.

I think it's highly unlikely that she has made up a story about her daughter having a tumour removed. I can think of a great many excuses that would not involve inviting illness on your own child. If the story about the dates sounds wrong, consider that her daughter may not be telling her parents the whole truth but instead only the salient points.

Furthermore, she offered to ask some friends to look after your pets instead. This is not the attitude of a heartless, uncaring person. In fact, I think it's odd that you are 'not comfortable with this.'

I have booked rabbits into hotel.

Sorry, you’ve what?

There's a lesson here for you about giving and kindness etc. It's not really giving without expectation or reciprocity. You have discovered your expectations are quite weighty and important to you. They are who they are and your giving whatever you give cannot demand that they be other than they are.

You find it convenient and it solves a problem for you that they look after the rabbits but there is no obligation on them to do so if they decide they can't or don't want to. There's no reason for you to dwell on the why when or wherefore of the hospital treatment and so on and so forth. Just leave it be and make other arrangements. Create more distance between yourself and these people whom you clearly do not like and perhaps they also do not like you. Be friendly in saying hello and all that but distantly and do not offer or ask favours or invite them or go to their house. Result: two sets of happier neighbours.

NRAT

They've done you a favour.
Find someone else to look after your rabbits. Don't ask them again, wind back your generosity and availability. Cool the relationship to a level that's comfortable.

You clearly don't like them and are obsessed with how much or how little money they have as much as they are. Were you hoping for an inheritance/handout at some point? Just find someone else to look after the rabbits and stop pandering to them with presents and favours.

Can’t believe people are siding with the OP. She sounds entitled and jealous imo… the bunny babies do not trump your neighbours daughter ffs. Their wealth and how they spend it is none of your business, you sound full on, they are prob sick to death of you and can’t wait to be shot of you all the times you go to their house and that’s why they don’t make you coffee. Don’t have animals that you have to rely on neighbours looking after, they prob can’t bear your indoor bunnies that prob stink your whole house out and will be relieved that they won’t have to ever do it again!

Make your own arrangements to commercially kennel the rabbits. Plenty of animal rescue places and some vet practices either offer that service or will recommend one. It's really not hard to set up.

Then stop obsessing about your neighbours activities . Be glad the vampires have found someone else to suck dry. You're free!

The routine when we go away is to have her round for coffee beforehand and to go through the bunny care etc. Then after we return, to have them over for coffee and biscuits and to give her presents and money.

This stood out for me. Why biscuits after the trip but not before? Carrot and stick approach?

All these “facts” you know “know” about the daughter are just assumptions based on a small amount of knowledge!

In future don’t be so quick to get so embroiled with people, take it easy and hold a bit of yourself back, then you don’t get hurt or feel like you’ve been let down

I think it's because after they return from a trip they have sophisticated Italian biscuits and the neighbours insufficient gratitude for being included in this ritual is noted.