Grief

[SJT89]

Hello, going to jump straight in as it’s going round and round my head.

My partner and I have been together 6 years and there’s always way more ups than downs. My partner has suffered two extremely close family deaths, his brother 15ish years ago and his father 6ish years ago. Up until this year, I hadn’t really experienced any close close deaths. My grandmother who practically raised me passed away suddenly in the summer a week after our baby was born, being unable to meet her newborn grandson due to Covid and finding out she had a week left to live the day I was told I had to have an emergency section.

I have always been patient, caring and empathetic towards my partner since the first time he told me about his losses, attempted to do everything or nothing for him to help depending on what he needs. He deals with his emotions through drink, every time something gets on top of him or there’s an anniversary, he drinks to numb his emotions (hence the patience). This coping mechanism derives from his brothers passing, he was living away from home with students and since has always coped with stressors with alcohol.

Yesterday our children and myself were decorating the house or attempting to with a 6 month old when it all became too much for him and he went to the pub. Granted the two older children were also driving me insane (13DD and 11DS) with their arguing. I thought nothing of it assuming it was the stress of decorations, tangled lights which don’t work once untangled, teenager and preteen arguing with an overly exhausted baby etc and to be honest I could have done with a pint myself. While decorating it dawned on my that my grandmother wasn’t here anymore, she wouldn’t see the baby’s first Christmas, she would never have a birthday cuddle as neither would he etc. To be honest I thought I’d come to terms with all the things now she’s gone months ago but it hit me hard and sudden. I had to quickly go into the bathroom and I cried.

I text him to say I was upset and why, his response was so matter of fact it instantly stopped my tears he said ‘yes unfortunately you now have an understanding of why Xmas is so hard for me every year. It sucks and ultimately it's a part of life but yeah it’s horrible not having family members around at a time when it's all about family’. I understand this is completely true however I guess I just expected some for of empathy or care from him, he’s normally an extremely caring and loving man.

Tonight he’s drank the bottles of red I’d bought for tea this week and I’m so angry at him for that. He’s going to be utterly useless tomorrow, moaning all day about how exhausted he is, feeling sorry for himself, leave me ‘holding the baby’ and dealing with everything else. I think I’m subconsciously angry at him for his lack of remorse but am I being unreasonable to be angry?

He’s not the only one experiencing grief anymore and he should be factoring into his drinking habit this, regardless of how either of us are feeling emotionally the earth doesn’t stop moving! The washing still needs to be done, the baby still needs his needs and happiness met, the other two need to be woken for school as they’re incapable of using an alarm, the cat and dog still needs tending to, the list goes on.

Sorry for the long rant, needed it off my chest.

I wonder if this is competitive grief? Up to now he's been the only one with dibs in the grief stakes, but now you have too and he doesn't like it. You say you've been patient, caring and empathetic towards my partner. And that you've attempted to do everything or nothing for him to help depending on what he needs. Which sounds like you've left him to do whatever he wants and been there to pick up the pieces, whether what he's done has been a genuine need arising out of grief, or whether that has been a cover story for him to focus only on himself. he sounds at best self absorbed, at worst selfish.

he’s normally an extremely caring and loving man.

Is he? How is he when you're ill or exhausted? Does he do his fair share around the house and with the DCs (I refuse to call it 'helping')?

This is going to take a lot of hard talking and YANBU to be angry. Your grief is not only recent and raw, but hedged around with your feelings around the baby. All the things your grandmother will miss, all the things your baby will miss not having her around.

It's time to put away the empathy and patience and letting him do what he wants. He doesn't get to abandon you to do all the work under the pretence of it all getting too much. Out of interest, how bad is his grief when he wants to go out with his mates?

Sorry about your grandmother, OP

It doesn't sound as though he's processed his grief very well, if it's still producing this reaction years later. Is he depressed? The drinking and so on makes it sound like a possibility.

I lost my dad 10 years ago in really sudden and unpleasant circumstances.

I did the competitive grief thing for ages. Especially re grandparents - I thought “Yeah but they’d died at an age they were supposed to die, my dad was 53!”

It’s only the last 3-4 years that I’ve realised that it doesn’t get easier for many people when they lose people at a time they’re supposed to. I was v unpleasant as a human when it came to grieving for dad and I cringe so hard at how I’ve behaved over the years. But grief counselling, and time, definitely helped. I’m not a drinker really but I can see how it would numb the pain.

Yoir DH needs to get help - times like this are v hard. Did he lose either at Christmas by any chance? My dad died a few days before Christmas and it cast a massive shadow over it for me for a few years. I tried not to let it show to others though

I’d never heard of competitive grief before, just had a good read on a bereavement website. When she passed he was extremely loving and empathetic towards it all, to be honest he had to be, I was physically and emotionally incapable of doing anything especially with a newborn and caesarian wound which wouldn’t heel because of my crying. I’ll definitely keep an eye on the whole competitive grief thing and see if this might be his thing but it’s more of an issue around special dates. This year is bound to be harder as he’s probably thinking the things I am regarding all the memories his dad/brother and the baby will miss out on with them not being here etc.

He is normally amazing, granted sometimes a tad lazy but who isn’t? He tends to only be selfish when alcohol is the primary, we have discussed several times in the past how he has a mild alcohol problem as he drinks to cope with stress but he can then go weeks without alcohol. I do believe he feels as if he does a lot more than he does though. For example last week I asked him to get the decorations out of the garage and because of summer stuff and his sorting I hadn’t a clue where they were in there. I also had the dentist and a day in work last week, he said he felt like it was all on him to do then quickly changed it wording explaining he meant that kind of thing sort of dirty garage work (I’m assuming he saw my face and quickly backtracked).

When I’m unwell he‘s happy to pick up the slack but I think from my previous marriage I feel obligated to do all the housework and I feel guilty when he helps. (DV marriage with older two’s dad, no contact and both think of DP as a father). Generally while I’m still on mat leave when exhausted we take turns for naps and he hates it when I thank him for doing housework or having the baby as he constantly says it’s not all on me, he’s my child too etc. I think it’s just engrained into me that it’s my jobs because of the previous marriage. He cooks tea most nights too as baby is a bad day napper and come time to cook he’s extra grizzly.

I don’t know I guess I feel as he’s been through so much grief he should be more understanding towards my feelings and it’s not just my feelings, the two big ones are also grieving and going to be thinking about her.

He’s never processed his grief no, he has always drank to numb the grief when it overwhelms him. He did attend Freud counselling just before we got together which he said did help a bit but not much, he said something about them making him count buttons which he found pointless.

He is depressed and always has been since his brothers passing, he copes better with it now than previously.

The way he is makes me feel like I’m not that too bothered by my gran as horrible as that sounds because I’m generally absolutely fine but I’m not stupid I know it’s not that at all as I am devastated by her passing, I think I just have a better coping method than him and I’ve come to terms with it whereas he hasn’t.

@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet He lost both at Christmas time yeah which I know makes this time of year harder. I’m sorry to hear about your dad, it is hard losing someone regardless of age, my auntie passed at the end of last year suddenly at 60 and my cousin still deals with it by pretending she’s on holiday, obviously she knows she’s not but that’s her way of coping. (The entire last year has been so hard in general with other family things and an awful, worrying pregnancy).

I think I did the competitive grief thing when she first passed as the circumstances surrounding it all made me feel as if I’m the only person who’s ever been through that which now I’ve dealt with my emotions I know isn’t the truth and quite often a new life comes and someone else you love goes.

I have gotten drunk a few times and it doesn’t help in the slightest as obviously it’s a depressant so just worsens the pain in my experience resulting in a hysterical mess. My mother copes through drink also, her brother passed away just before she fe pregnant with me 30 odd years ago, she was extremely young and also used alcohol to cope, she told me and everyone else who would listen I was a psycho for being so upset the last time I was drunk and emotional. She’s not the best, we’re not close but she did her best with the situation she had.