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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To spend this much on sister?

15 replies

WorriedandScared93 · 05/12/2022 02:16

Just wanted some opinions on this to see what others would do.

Every year myself, my sister and my mum always ask each other for some gift ideas. Me and my sister are not married but we have long term partners. Both early 30s. Sister has no kids- I became a mum this year.

I asked for just x5 things and the most expensive being £35.00. (Mine ranges from a coffee flask, to a simple Notebook and one item of makeup, her’s are mainly all makeup items and a new handbag - not designer)

My sister has asked for x12 things all equalling to listed below.

Baring in mind I turned a mum this year and so obviously it changes for me that I would expect people to buy for my DC only and not me anymore.

However my mum and sister always still like to buy for myself just a couple of things. Although my sister has asked for a lot more than me, last year it was similar to her asking more again. I couldn’t bring myself to write down everything I would love …

Sister writes things down she knows she probably can't afford, and she will ask for it at Christmas time each year.

I am at most feeling bad because I cannot expect my mum to buy all these gifts for my sister. I would expect to contribute towards some of course but my main issues are:

I’m a mum
I’m on maternity leave until summer next year
cost of living
heating bills (trying to keep a baby warm with soaring energy prices)
weekly food shopping bills
General costs of anything emergency related

Do I rip the plaster off this year and say actually all I can afford this and that and all I can buy you is this?

A list of the items I have all searched for an each of her items comes to these below amounts:

£52.00
£30.00
£29.00
£22.00
£10.00
£30.00
£49.00
£30.00
£26.00
£13.00
£5/£10

OP posts:
GiltEdges · 05/12/2022 02:38

I’m not sure I understand the problem. Just explain to your sister, “Money’s a bit tight this year, I can only afford to buy you one thing from your list, which would you prefer?” and leave it at that. There’s no requirement for your mum to get everything else, but whether she chooses to or not isn’t really your concern.

jeepjeep4 · 05/12/2022 02:41

YANBU I think most this year will be scaling back on gifts. Hope she is understanding OP. The only alternative is to buy her the £5 pressie and then have a conversation about how you will approach gifts next year

WeDontNeedToTalkAboutJamie · 05/12/2022 02:41

But surely a gift list is a list of ideas not demands. So buy what you can afford. Mum buys what she can afford. Sister gets some of the things she wantsand can save up for the rest herself.

whatisthisinmyburger · 05/12/2022 02:41

Is she expecting all of it or just giving a list of options expecting one or two things? I think that’s ok. I would buy one or two of the lower cost items or tell her you can’t afford Christmas this year.

My favourite adult family members to buy for are the ones that make lists, it makes it a lot easier and it’s generally a list of different options/price ranges. I always struggle to give people ideas for myself but my sister always has a huge list at the ready. I don’t mind in the slightest as I know she doesn’t expect all of it.

Hidingawaytoday · 05/12/2022 02:42

I don't understand, you asked for some ideas and she's given you some options - some of which are more expensive than others? Do you generally buy everything on the list? Just set your budget and get her one or two things from the list to match (and perhaps check with your mum she's not gone for the same item.

MarianneVos · 05/12/2022 02:43

Aren't these gift ideas not a list of everything you have to buy? So just get the one or ones you can afford.

Original poster
WorriedandScared93 · 05/12/2022 03:05

She is expecting all of it- we give everyone a list of what we would like.

OP posts:
Original poster
WorriedandScared93 · 05/12/2022 03:05

I will get what I can afford thanks everyone

OP posts:
LaughingCat · 05/12/2022 03:21

WorriedandScared93 · 05/12/2022 03:05

She is expecting all of it- we give everyone a list of what we would like.

Oh, that is weird, then. Why on earth did your parents always buy you everything on your wish lists?

Your sister’s not at fault though, imo. She’s used to being told to write down what she’d like and she’ll get it. It’s not up to her to try and anticipate changes (though you’d think something would twig!). But if she doesn’t have kids, it probably just hasn’t sunk in that financially things have changed for you. It’s up to you now to set expectations. So, get what you want from it and leave it at that.

Your mum struggling to afford the rest of it is not your responsibility either - that’s her decision if she makes it. She also has agency to set out her expectations too and change how things are done.

LaughingCat · 05/12/2022 03:21

WorriedandScared93 · 05/12/2022 03:05

I will get what I can afford thanks everyone

whoops, sorry! Didn’t see this come in.

TheTeenageYears · 05/12/2022 05:57

Her expectation is not your problem. It's strange if in the past you've all written lists of demands rather than Christmas wish lists and this being your first Christmas as a Mum is a perfect time to change. You do you though, whatever your DM does for Dsis is nothing to do with you, just buy what you would like to for your DSis and let your DM know to avoid duplicates- if DM then chooses to buy everything else on DSis's list that's up to her. "DM & DSis I have written a Christmas wish list for DGC/DN & I but do not feel in anyway obliged to buy any or all on the list. Please continue to send your Christmas wish lists as suggestions and I will purchase gifts according to my new means"

MRex · 05/12/2022 06:08

WorriedandScared93 · 05/12/2022 03:05

She is expecting all of it- we give everyone a list of what we would like.

This is an odd interpretation, where did you get that from? It isn't a random demand, a wish list usually means you buy one thing from the list. So do that.

girlmom21 · 05/12/2022 06:15

You're as bad as each other if you're asking for 5 things as well.

Just buy one item off her list and tell her the one thing you want.

Although I hate Christmas lists - I like to buy surprised - I know MN hates that though Grin

Perfect28 · 05/12/2022 06:31

What on earth is the point of buying gifts if you all write down exactly what you want and everyone expects all of it? That's ridiculous

mezlou84 · 27/11/2023 20:21

You should see my sister's list. It's huge with things ranging from £3-£140. It's just a list she adds to through the year and when anyone wants to buy her something for Christmas, birthdays or just for whatever they can use that. Every year we all buy whatever we want from the list and that's it. Sometimes it's 1 thing sometimes a few. Depending on what we can afford etc. She never ever gets her full list and doesn't expect to either. She tries to make sure there is low value items on there all the time so people don't feel pressured into spending alot. Maybe that's what your sister is doing. We have started doing it this year cos when people ask us what to get kids we can't think what it is they wanted but now we can just say yes here is link to the list x

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