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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think there must be something that can be done in this situation

8 replies

JumpingCat · 04/12/2022 19:32

Posted on 30 days originally but also posting here for traffic.

We have been going through the family courts since the beginning of this year trying to get an existing child arrangement order amended to reflect the fact that XP moved away so could no longer have DC on school nights.

XP works in a job that means he can be moved around fairly often. However, he has been consistently saying since after the first hearing (June time) that he will be remaining in the local area on an indefinite basis but has never provided proof of this despite being asked. This lead to him asking for a school move so he could have 50/50 care but this was refused and he eventually agreed to every other full weekend from a Thursday.

Proceedings have been quite heated and prolonged for a number of reasons and they are still ongoing. This promise that he would remain in the area, and hence the amount of contact that was agreed, has actually turned out to be a lie and he actually moved to the other side of the country last week without giving anyone notice and without even saying bye to DC. This was communicated by way of a sudden u turn from his solicitor where he has conceded everything he was contesting. We know he would have had substantial notice of this move.

Had XP just been honest about this potential move from when he was made aware of it, the proceedings would likely have taken a very different course and it would have cost nowhere near as much.

I was just wondering if anyone had any experience of how we can possibly get some recourse for this or does this just not happen? It seems mad he can potentially get away with telling an enormous lie and costing me thousands of pounds.

There is obviously a huge back story and I have probably missed out massive chunks but I hope this at least makes some sense.

OP posts:
JumpingCat · 04/12/2022 20:52

Hopeful bump

OP posts:
ItWentDownMyHeartHole · 04/12/2022 21:07

I have no idea if you can be compensated but I am so sorry he did this to you and your child. Imagine if you’d changed schools to accommodate him and he moved anyway.

JumpingCat · 04/12/2022 21:12

Thank you @ItWentDownMyHeartHole

We suspect he knew he was going to move when he was pushing for this as when it was explained how difficult it would be for all parties, including DC, his response was why shouldn't she (talking about me) be inconvenienced....

I had to tell DC that dad would only be seeing him for half of school holidays from now as he hadn't even bothered to mention it, just told him he wouldn't be collecting him this weekend.

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ItWentDownMyHeartHole · 04/12/2022 21:31

Your poor kid. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with what sounds like a sociopath. Wishing you the best from now on.

JustLyra · 04/12/2022 21:34

There's nothing you can do unfortunately.

My ex went through court when our girls were young so he had every other weekend Thursday to Monday, every other midweek Wednesday, alternate Christmases and birthdays, and detailed school holiday arrangements. He made it so difficult and demanded things be so detailed it took ages and cost a fortune. He stuck to it for 3 weeks. Never once had them Christmas, birthdays or longer than 2 days in school holidays.

It's a pure power trip.

The only advice I was given was "just represent yourself next time".

JustLyra · 04/12/2022 21:36

I did go back to court though and have the order amended - if you can get an order that states half school holidays etc then it stops him easily demanding more when things change again.

He got nothing he wanted the next time because it was well documented that he'd basically used the court to try and control/mind fuck me.

AutumnCrow · 04/12/2022 22:05

Similar story to @JustLyra.

Represent yourself; and agree to 'side bar' meetings with your Ex's barrister / solicitor if they have one to thrash out agreements, because the lawyers are usually fairly embarrassed by having these sorts of clients even though they're not supposed to show it. My ExH's barrister was a diamond during Round Two at the court.

I'm afraid it's an absolute scandal that men (and it is mostly men) can use the courts like this as a power trip, and then not be obliged in the slightest to adhere to any part of the agreement on which a lot of money, the court's time and the children's emotions have been expended.

JumpingCat · 04/12/2022 22:11

Thanks all.

I just can't believe he can lie and then do a midnight flit, abandoning his child, and have no repercussions.

I imagine he will be back in a couple of years time demanding contact again.... Hopefully they will see through him in future!

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