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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bitter and twisted friend

28 replies

pecanpie24 · 04/12/2022 19:18

I've been friends with (let's call her Sarah) for over 14 years. We've always been close. The last couple of years she has become increasingly bitter and twisted to me and my other friend

Constantly making comments about my life decisions. For example, when we bought a house, she would say along the lines of 'I could never buy a new build, I'd want a garage and it to be detached, new builds aren't built well, they devalue in money' and I let this slide. She also thought I was making a mistake buying a house with my OH. It's been two years since and she has progressively gotten worse, she constantly talks about herself, how she feels so hard done by, we are so lucky to have this and that and is depressing to be around. She shows no excitement when she sees us and never makes the time to do things as a three. She is never happy for us when something good happens, and always makes it clear. Another thing, It's literally her way or no way. If we go for a walk, we have to go where she wants to go etc. she's bloody hard work and I'm starting to resent her. Loads of other things have happened but there's too much to write it down! But in Lamont terms, she's a depressing, miserable, bitter person! She's been spoon fed her whole life by her parents which also does not help.

How do you deal with people like this!

OP posts:

WinterLobelia · 04/12/2022 19:25

TBH you withdraw. It might be hard, but being friends with someone who resents you and makes digs is fairly pointless. I speak from some experience.

Dillydollydingdong · 04/12/2022 19:28

Tell her you can't deal with her negative ways any longer, as it's making you depressed. Friendships are supposed to make you happy, but this one is having the opposite effect. So hasta la vista baby.

LeilaDarling · 04/12/2022 19:30

She sounds utterly exhausting and tiresome. Let contact slide and fade if you don’t want the confrontation of telling her.

dolor · 04/12/2022 19:30

She's obviously having a rotten time, but you're clearly no longer compatible in terms of friendship, so you'll have to withdraw. You can tell her that directly, or just do it gradually.

Irridescantshimmmer · 04/12/2022 19:33

I think your 'friend' is not a friend OP. She's jealous of you which is why she can't be genuinly happy for you.

gamerchick · 04/12/2022 19:33

How do you deal with people like this!

Get rid of them. Start saying no to meeting her or have the big row. You'll probably feel better for it.

Pinkdelight3 · 04/12/2022 19:44

Does she definitely like your other friend? You mention her not wanting to do things as a three - is there something in that, that she likes one of you more than the other? Might be your friend or might be you. She sounds unhappy either way. If I wasn't liking spending time with her any more, I'd just see the other friend without her and withdraw. Assuming you've tried to address her unhappiness when she makes comments that upset you, asking what is wrong or whatever.

Hatemymiddlename · 04/12/2022 19:46

I have a friend like this and she compares her life to everyone else's including mine. It is wearing so I only see her occasionally. Your friend is jealous OP and I would withdraw from the friendship. Surround yourself with friends who are genuinely happy for you.

CarefreeMe · 04/12/2022 19:50

She sounds exhausting! And I would have cut her off ages ago.

I don’t understand this though:

never makes the time to do things as a three.

Of course she wouldn’t make time to do something with you and your partner as he is not her friend, you are.

Original poster

pecanpie24 · 04/12/2022 20:05

@CarefreeMe Hi carefree, this isn't my Oh, it's another friend of ours.

OP posts:

CarefreeMe · 04/12/2022 20:08

Hi carefree, this isn't my Oh, it's another friend of ours.

Sorry I can see that now.

I think you both need to cut her off completely or at least reduce contact.

People like that will make you ill with their constant moaning.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 04/12/2022 20:08

Who usually takes the initiative to arrange to meet up?
What happens if you don’t get in touch or, if you message for a chat but don’t suggest getting together?

PollyAmour · 04/12/2022 20:11

People like her are exhausting. Set her free to find her own tribe.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 04/12/2022 20:13

Sometimes it's too much like hard work. I had a situation a bit like this. Used to come back from meet ups quite low. My lightbulb moment was the answer to the question I asked myself, "If you were meeting this person now, would you want to be her friend". Unfortunately the answer was no, and I was letting a long history fudge the issue. Sad, but I needed to distance myself for my own MH. Maybe you have got to that stage too?

jtaeapa · 04/12/2022 20:15

You stop bothering to see her. Just because she's a longtime friend, it doesn't give her the right to be mean and demanding.

BeautifulWar · 04/12/2022 20:18

Had she always been like this? I know you said it's got progressively worse, but was there a trigger for it? Have you ever asked her whether she's happy in life or what's wrong? Something may have hardened that you don't know about, perhaps?

That would be my last ditch attempt before walking away. Some people slip into this because they're desperately unhappy, others seem to actively enjoy being miserable and rubbishing other people's achievements and joys.

1983Louise · 04/12/2022 20:24

Google Energy Vampires, set your boundaries, if you heart sinks when she contacts you then it's time to leave the friendship. I've been there and it sucked the life out of me, good luck x

Original poster

pecanpie24 · 04/12/2022 20:29

@BeautifulWar She has been like this for about 5 years. She got better when she was in a relationship and that ended around a year ago and she turned very nasty and bitter. She is incredibly immature. Was posting videos on her Instagram about her ex boyfriend, saying that he was ugly and she was the best thing that happened to him. Made me cringe and I told her that her behaviour was awful. From then on she's been a complete and utter bitch. She's 27!!!!!

OP posts:

Dibbydoos · 04/12/2022 20:31

Tell her how you feel, how you miss how it used to be and tgat unless she wants it to be like it used to be it can be no more.

Telher your sad it's git to this but you feel tge relationship is now toxi

Sat you'll always love her, but she has to go find happiness and contentment.

Listen hard to what she says in return - would be best if all 3 of you are togethShe needs to stop this negative behaviour nit you.er for it.

ichundich · 04/12/2022 20:33

I used to have a 'friend' just like this. I gave her a couple of chances, but went no contact in the end. She ended up pissing everyone off in our village and finally moved away. I feel much happier without her in my life!

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 04/12/2022 20:36

Your not said anything about Sarah's life. Is she envious of you. Are you rubbing salt in her wounds. That does piss people off.

Original poster

pecanpie24 · 04/12/2022 20:41

@Awwlookatmybabyspider absolutely not in my nature to ever rub salt in the wounds. In fact, I do the opposite, I try to bring her back down to earth and tell her everything will fall into place, nothing is permanent, I encourage her to explore new things, make her feel better about her life, propose other ways to make her happier. But she always finds a way to turn it around on me and try and make me feel bad or make it about her

OP posts:

BellePeppa · 04/12/2022 20:42

When she says she’d never buy a modern house has she actually bought a property herself or she resenting that you have and she hasn’t?

Original poster

pecanpie24 · 04/12/2022 20:44

@BellePeppa yes, she still lives at home with her parents. She constantly would say she hates new builds, she would buy a nice 5 bedroom home, 3 bed is too small etc. so basically saying my house is shit. And both my partner and I have worked our arsed off to get where we are. This I did mention to her a few years back and told her, her attitude stinks. She's been spoon fed since day dot, her parents still pay her fuel!!!!!!!

OP posts:

declutteringmymind · 04/12/2022 21:00

I'd ask her if she's ok. Just say I've noticed recently that you're not as fun as you used to be. Acknowledge that you're at different stages in life but it's a shame that it's getting in the way of what used to be a good friendship. Maybe point out that even unintentionally, she is being a little grumpy and her remarks are hurtful.

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