I have lived opposite my neighbour, call her Jenny, for 10 years. We started out spending a lot of time together, as we had two boys each of round about the same age. I wanted to support her as she obviously struggled with discipline and her boys were (still are) pretty wild. She's a lovely person, but struggles with boundaries (as do I, on occasion!)
This was more mutually beneficial than it sounds, as it was apparent from quite an early age that my eldest, Josh, was autistic. He has always had tics / some strange mannerisms / a loud voice which put a lot of other mothers off. I found it hard to find play dates and social situations that he obviously enjoyed, but was plainly struggling with.
So we spent many days clutching our coffees in the close, as our kids played on their bikes / scooters / whatever. Josh and Jake (my two) with Tim and Tom (her two).
It gradually became clear that I was doing more 'looking after' of her kids than she was of mine. Tim and Tom often came over, I took them out places and I watched them outside as they played. I put this down to the fact that I was firmer, so less daunted by their behaviour and also wished my kids (particularly my oldest, Josh) to have play mates. So I did it willingly.
However, things have now changed in the following ways. Firstly I hit Peri-menopause land. I got it bad; panic attacks and insomnia being the worst symptoms. My energy plummeted and I found Tim and Tom's bad manners, wild behaviour and refusal to do as they were told really difficult. I just dont want to look after them so much any more.
Secondly, all the time and effort we were putting into my eldest, Josh, in the form of occupational therapy, NeuroDevelopmental exercises and loads of love, connection and play advised by the many parenting support sessions I'd attended, were really paying off. He'd come on in leaps and bounds and unrecognisable from the boy he was. (We're not looking for a 'cure' I may add, just to ease his symptoms and getting him enjoying life.) However, he now finds Tim and Tom annoying and rude and doesn't want to play with them.
Lastly, Jenny made it clear over the years that she wouldn't look after Josh. She obviously felt out of her depth, so I didn't push it. But it made me livid that she still expected me to look after Tim and Tom, without offering the same courtesy in return.
So now I'm in the position of not wanting to help out so much. My youngest son, Jake (9), is still friends with her oldest, Tim (9)and they do still play together. But Jenny always insists that her youngest, Tom (7), joins in too, as 'he is getting upset being left out.' She always knocks on the door for Tom to be let in, if we ever have Tim over to play. It's hard for me to give a reason why I won't have them both, as I have always done so over the years. Or she will ask that Tom comes to Jake's party (otherwise he'll be upset.) Or has to come with Jake and Tim to the park or wherever I'm taking them.
I have tried to say tactfully or sometimes bluntly to Jenny that I want the friendship to be equal and that only Tim and Jake are now friends - so the play dates should just be between them. But she just ignored this. She has now offered to include Josh in play dates at her house, but he doesn't really want to go. I've told her about the perimenopause and although sympathetic, has not altered her / her kids' behaviour. As soon as we come back from a day out, they'll be coming knocking on my door.
I'm obviously struggling with my own boundaries, but she is a kind person who has become used to my support over the years, so I feel guilty pulling that away. Aibu to start being more cold / blunt from now on? She is unwilling to change when I try to be kind but firm. I've lost all perspective on this as I'm feeling so resentful, but also guilty. Sorry for the long post. Please help!!