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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner and football

22 replies

mmmmhm · 04/12/2022 14:06

Partner is at work and messaged to ask what I'm doing for the football as his friend has asked him to go watch it with him.

My response was "Without sounding shitty, if you’re gunna go out and watch football then you might aswell go home tonight. I don’t fancy sitting around waiting for you to get in xxxx"

He's now got the hump on and saying I'm being unfair.

We don't live together but he usually stays at mine when he doesn't have his DS as it's more convenient for work etc.

My stance is that like I said I just don't fancy waiting around until 9.30 for him to stroll in. I haven't been sleeping well (for months) and can go to bed early if he doesn't stay.

I find it sooo frustrating waiting around for people, not just him.

AIBU?

OP posts:
RishisProudMum · 04/12/2022 14:15

In what way does he think you’re being unreasonable? He thinks it’s unfair that you’re not providing a free hotel that he can crash at after the game, without having to spend any time with you?

Bumble84 · 04/12/2022 14:15

Couldn’t you just have said to him to go and have fun you were going to get an early night and you’d arrange to meet another time?

it doesn’t sound like him staying was pre arranged rather than just presumed so no one’s really done anything wrong but your message makes it sound like you’re not happy with him going out

Flamingogirl08 · 04/12/2022 14:17

Yanbu in saying he should stay at home but yabu in the tone of your message. If you're annoyed he is going out then say that you'd rather he came to you to watch the football. If you're not bothered then just say yes that's fine, I'm gonna get an early night though so do you mind just staying in yours? Love you.

I'd have the hump if my husband sent me a message like the one you sent I think

Original poster
mmmmhm · 04/12/2022 14:18

Bumble84 · 04/12/2022 14:15

Couldn’t you just have said to him to go and have fun you were going to get an early night and you’d arrange to meet another time?

it doesn’t sound like him staying was pre arranged rather than just presumed so no one’s really done anything wrong but your message makes it sound like you’re not happy with him going out

Why should I always sit around waiting for him?
He doesn't live with me. Doesn't pay towards anything but yet dinner is always waiting when he gets home etc.

I've made a rod for my own back and now I'm trying to put a boundary in place and I get told I'm being unfair... I don't understand it

OP posts:
CrossStichQueen · 04/12/2022 14:18

You start your reply with 'Without sounding shitty' then proceed to sound shitty/stroppy.

If you are genuinely not bothered why not have said "No plans for the footy you go and I will have an early night as I am absolutely shattered will see you on xxxxday" xxx

ThatGirlInACountrySong · 04/12/2022 14:18

Your attitude has pissed him off

Don't blame him at all from what you've told us but I guess there will now be a drip feed and back story

Original poster
mmmmhm · 04/12/2022 14:19

But why shouldn't I be shitty about it?

I am upset about it. I want to spend time with him and all I get it used like a hotel

OP posts:
Original poster
mmmmhm · 04/12/2022 14:20

We had this conversation last week that if he was going out to watch the football then I'd prefer he goes home.. and then is shocked when I say please go home?

OP posts:
starfro · 04/12/2022 14:20

He invited you out to watch the football, and you sent him a shitty reply.

ThatGirlInACountrySong · 04/12/2022 14:20

Well it's YOU that made that 'rod for your own back'..... there's your problem. You allowed it

Now you get upset. How is he to know? Maybe try communicating this to him

Original poster
mmmmhm · 04/12/2022 14:20

starfro · 04/12/2022 14:20

He invited you out to watch the football, and you sent him a shitty reply.

He didn't invite me.

He said he was going with his friend

OP posts:
ThatGirlInACountrySong · 04/12/2022 14:21

Ah here comes the drip feed...

BigChesterDraws · 04/12/2022 14:21

How old are you? You sound like a teenager.

GrimDamnFanjo · 04/12/2022 14:21

mmmmhm · 04/12/2022 14:19

But why shouldn't I be shitty about it?

I am upset about it. I want to spend time with him and all I get it used like a hotel

Well stop letting him use you like a hotel/restaurant. Put some boundaries in place.

Original poster
mmmmhm · 04/12/2022 14:21

ThatGirlInACountrySong · 04/12/2022 14:20

Well it's YOU that made that 'rod for your own back'..... there's your problem. You allowed it

Now you get upset. How is he to know? Maybe try communicating this to him

I've tried.

I've told him that I feel that he uses me for ease but he got offended

OP posts:
Motorcycleemptyness · 04/12/2022 14:21

Sorry but you are being unreasonable. The World Cup happens every four years and lots of people are very excited. He’s allowed a social life.

You sound controlling and unreasonable.

CrossStichQueen · 04/12/2022 14:21

I am upset about it. I want to spend time with him and all I get it used like a hotel

So tell him that in a grown up way. Your passive aggressive texts will not get your point across.

You complain he treats your place like a free hotel and then complain when he is not coming round....

Cherrysoup · 04/12/2022 14:25

You were unreasonably unpleasant. If he normally stays with you, why would you be so out of the blue unpleasant? You could have just done what pp said and told him you’d see him tomorrow, you’re having an early night.

luxxlisbon · 04/12/2022 14:28

I imagine your tone hurt came across shitty and unnecessary.
So he usually stays with you when he doesn’t have his child but this time he wanted to do something in the evening until about 9:30 and you have a massive stop? Just seems over the top.
If you just wanted an early night say that, sounds like you’re just making a mountain out of this because you want his full attention. It comes across more that you are punishing him for wanting to go watch football with a friend rather than actually just wanting an early night.

RishisProudMum · 04/12/2022 15:24

mmmmhm · 04/12/2022 14:21

I've tried.

I've told him that I feel that he uses me for ease but he got offended

Show quote history

And then what happens?

Cornelious · 04/12/2022 15:30

Your message was shitty. Your point was relevant but that message would've got my back up.

magicalorange · 04/12/2022 15:32

CrossStichQueen · 04/12/2022 14:21

I am upset about it. I want to spend time with him and all I get it used like a hotel

So tell him that in a grown up way. Your passive aggressive texts will not get your point across.

You complain he treats your place like a free hotel and then complain when he is not coming round....

This.

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