Spare bedroom for DS

[twinkletwinkle007]

I have a dillema and would appreciate opinions, please don't flame me.

NC for this but posted a lot under different username.

I have DS who is 12. Split with his dad 3 years ago. Dad controlling and abusive, thinks he is above law and police. I have lost the 2 years long custody battle. It finished a year ago. DS was manipulated, alienated and refused to see me at all. After police helped me and DS to move out from the matrimonial home, ExH came to where we lived one day when I was dropping DS to school and snatched him to his car, took back home and kept him there until he got emergency court order stating it is in DS's best interest to live in his family home with his father. I have had a mental breakdown. Still battling depression, anxiety and ptsd after it all.
I'm pretty much starting from nothing at the age of 40.

I rent a 2 bedroom flat on my own. Money is tight with all increases I strugle. There is still a bedroom for DS but he never comes, doesn't even want to hear about it. I see him once a fortnight for 2 hrs only and he doesn't not want to maintain any contact inbetween, i.e. He wouldn't answer a call, wouldn't txt back.

I'm in a relationship and there are plans to move in together, to rent a different place. DP has DD who is 10. I have been looking at the market and the difference between 2 and 3 bedroom flat is around £400pm. It is really a lot money to have a spare bedroom.

Guess my question is, would you want to have it, in case DS would come back? I'm slowly loosing hope it will ever happen. He doesn't event want to see me at Christmas. Is it time to start looking after myself more and save this £400 towards house deposit if I will be lucky one day to be able to afford it?

Please, be gentle.

Oh that's a tough situation op.

No i dont think I would. If ds starts to want more.contact it will be a slow process to ensure a relationship and you will have the time to move again of he begins to need a room.

I do get your reluctance though. It can seem like you are cutting ds off. For what it is worth I never had a room at my father's houses past age 8 nor did my brother at our mother's. I didn't expect it. As I didn't live there. However If you were.looking to make ds feel like he "could" live there then I suspect a 3rd room is needed.

What.does your partner think?

Also best of luck your child WILL. get it one day. He may be an adult by then but keep hoping.

OP I really feel for you, I can feel your emotions reading through your post. Hope you're ok

I would say for now focus on the finances and not get the spare bedroom. It is a huge amount of money to pay. When the situation improves, you can look at alternative accommodation.

I feel so sad for you x

No I don’t think I’d have the spare room. I never had a bedroom at my non resident parent’s house when I was growing up.

Thank you x

I've been exactly where you are with my own child and it's a hard heartbreaking situation.
After awhile I realised that I had to live my life for what it was then and make choices that didn't always include my child because at times it just wasn't practical to always consider someone who wasn't living with me.
They always always knew they would be welcomed back home whenever they wanted and we would make it work, they did return for a few years as a teenager and I'd moved several times by this point
As hard as it is, live your life be consistent with your son and it will all work out one day.

@imnotreallyollie

I'm so sorry to hear you had to go through this. It is shit, you must have been so strong.Thank you for sharing your experience

I think that in your position I would do something in the middle.

Can you go for the two bedroom flat but buy a decent, usable sofa bed for the lounge? And have a discussion with your partner about what happens short term if DS wants to come and stay (ie do you move into the lounge for a couple of nights, or does he stay on the sofa bed but you work out a way to give him privacy etc)

Maybe have a designated space for DS's things in either your room or the lounge that people can't use for other people's stuff? Maybe buy some bedding that is DS's football team/favourite band/other thing he's into to have on standby? And a couple of emergency bits if he comes to you urgently - toothbrush, pjs etc - which you keep in there too?

IE - so that he's always welcome and has his own space without the cost of a third bedroom?

Wow @twinkletwinkle007 , that's such a sad situation

Regarding the room, I'd suggest something like a pp said, if you can, get yourself a decent sofa bed.

Very very different situation, but your DS is getting to the same age my DS did when he started to see things differently (as in, grew up a bit and started to see people differently) so I wouldn't lose hope yet x