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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pre school violence

42 replies

BeatrixPottery · 04/12/2022 00:22

W. ould'm trying to gauge whether it's just my DC's pre school. Whether it's them, athough I've seen it directed at others or whether this is just normal.

A large cohort of their peers just don't seem able to play nicely (settings include play dates, park after school, birthday parties).

These are 3/4 4/5 yo, there's a few where it's just constant meaness/nastiness, always have to be leaving one person out, constant teasing, snatching of things tormenting others etc. To the point where this forms the bulk of their interactions, my DC is pretty good at ignoring this but it's fucking painful to watch as I can be just constant.

And the violence. I'm not talking about the General preschool tussling/snatching/shoving which goes on, I'm talking about real intentional sophisticated violence, I've seen one child repeatedly in anger and nastiness hit my child in the face with a stick, my DC had done nothing wrong they were just trying to play and join in and this group were doing as above running away and leaving out, they went up again and this child picked up the stick and began repeatedly whacking DC in the face. Last week after someone bumped into the same child he went for them and and sort pushed them to the ground and started repeatedly slapping at the other child with both hands. Dad nowhere to be seen I had to step in and say no. Apparently there's been other similar things with the same child.

Two children who regularly close fist punch others, my DC was on the receiving end today, all seemed to be playing nicely and DC was just happily playing and they decided DC wasn't welcome any more and they just pushed them over repeatedly close fist punched him in the stomach I mean wtf! Theyre 4! I know there's been complaints previously about this child and I've seen another one in the class repeatedly (as in indifferent occasions) doing the same thing to a couple of them. I mean what the hell. DC sort of scrambled away and went and did something else. Before I had to step in. Parents are never anywhere to be seen!!!!

I can say hand on heart DC would never doing anything like that presently, also my only other point of reference is my NCT friends kids and I can't even imagine them doing anything like that either it seems to be just this particular cohort.

I looked it up and this list came up

Previous aggressive or violent behavior
Being the victim of physical abuse and/or sexual abuse
Exposure to violence in the home and/or community
Being the victim of bullying
Genetic (family heredity) factors
Exposure to violence in media (TV, movies, etc.)
Use of drugs and/or alcohol
Presence of firearms in home
Combination of stressful family socioeconomic factors (poverty, severe deprivation, marital breakup, single parenting, unemployment, loss of support from extended family)
Brain damage from head injury

But as far as I know there's no sen and these kids are all from stable homes with two parents who in most of the cases are nice people.

I'm just so flaming sick of it seeing it.

OP posts:

Mammyloveswine · 04/12/2022 11:12

@RudsyFarmer I am a reception teacher so it is my literal job...

Mammyloveswine · 04/12/2022 11:14

@BeatrixPottery is this private preschool
/nursery not attached to a school? What have management said?

Id be inclined to not allow my children to play afterwards with the others and would say so in earshot of the parents who stand by and don't intervene.

RudsyFarmer · 04/12/2022 11:17

Mammyloveswine · 04/12/2022 11:12

@RudsyFarmer I am a reception teacher so it is my literal job...

I assume the more boisterous children are being helped with strategies to control using their hands or feet to cause unholy ties to others? Or is your point that you see no difference between girls and boys in this regard?

RudsyFarmer · 04/12/2022 11:17

injurues

PeterRabbitHadACarrot · 04/12/2022 11:19

Bet their parents are gentle parents. Always is.

Mammyloveswine · 04/12/2022 11:22

@RudsyFarmer I'm saying that all young children push and kick it's how we deal with this from a young age!

Boys tend to be described as "boisterous" and "boys will be boys" when then feeds into a narrative that it is acceptable. No matter the sex of the child it is completely unacceptable to use hands and feet to push/hit/kick and that needs to be reinforced.

Similarly it is also ok for girls to get absolutely scruffy playing in the mud but again I see this ingrained as not acceptable for girls but fine for boys,

AutumnLeaves23 · 04/12/2022 11:23

I’d be all over this. No violence at any school in any level. If that staff are not all over this, dealing with it, reporting incidents to you openly, then I would change preschool. Honestly it’s not a safe environment!

unlimiteddilutingjuice · 04/12/2022 11:28

So the physical violence takes place in the park, birthday parties, playdates etc (ie: on the parents watch).
And when you sat in on a session at nursery, you didn't see the same behaviour?

That makes much more sense. I couldn't imagine nursery staff would let that kind of thing go on.

It's a shame the parents seem so ineffective. I wouldn't socialise with them if I were you.

PeterRabbithadaCarrot You could well be on to something. I've encountered the type.

RedWingBoots · 04/12/2022 11:36

It's your child's pre-school.

The kids from my DD's nursery play in the park next to it and aren't like that. The boys were actually the ones who were shy and hiding at her birthday party.

I know from my DD's tales the slightly older kids are normally the ones who tell the younger ones that hitting, kicking etc the others is not how they get what they want.

Sockwomble · 04/12/2022 11:57

This indicates poor supervision and kids watching stuff they shouldn't.

RudsyFarmer · 04/12/2022 12:32

BeatrixPottery · 04/12/2022 11:08

@RudsyFarmer no this is more than rough play. There was a group of us last Friday and this rough play was going on we had to keep stepping in but there were only two out of 4 parents doing so, and it was gnererally good natured.

However it was clear to me then that what we’ve been seeing is very much over and above ‘rough housing’. Distinctly different it’s really uncomfortable to watch, likewise the nastiness/emotional bullying so sophisticated I can’t quite believe it’s 3/4yo doing it.

Do you feel like it’s being modelled to the child by their caregiver?

StollenAway · 04/12/2022 12:53

My kids have had problems with violence at their preschool (the stick in the face sounds very familiar!) It has really all been caused by children from two families though. None of the other kids behave like that, none of the kids at school behave like that… It’s tough because I love the preschool in so many other ways but they don’t address the violence well. My DC have never socialised with any of these kids in other settings so no idea if they behave this way outside of preschool.

Original poster

BeatrixPottery · 20/01/2023 20:32

Just picking this up again,it was too depressing to talk about before Christmas.

It's still going on in sorts, it seems the core group seems to have gotten smarter it's now turned much more psychological. Oh apart from in the park just before Xmas when one of them had a stick they must have pulled at the bark to make it into a point and was saying to my DC 'look at my knife, look at my knife' this is a 4.5 yo.

Lots of, when mine or a couple of others go up to try and play they're running away 'look it's xxxx' run. Two separate kids crying about it over the past month.

Today I had one them telling my child that they were the 'killer' and 'the murderer' and then running away it is literally horrible. Toxic. This is 4/5. I honestly feel completely on edge as soon as they come out.

I spoke to another parent before Xmas and one of them has been apparently 'getting their DC' in the toilet wtaf!!

@StollenAway totally, educationally they are wonderful but I don't know how we've been so unlucky to end up with some truly horrible kids.

@PeterRabbitHadACarrot two of them absolutely are as I know the parents well enough for them to have two others would put money on it. The other two both parents have very very high-profile jobs, not here often and there are a lot of family carers and carers from outside the family who look after them so I don't know whether that's something to do with it.

OP posts:

converseandjeans · 20/01/2023 20:51

I would rethink spending time with them. Can you move nursery/school so as to avoid this group? I don't think your child should have to experience this nonsense. No friends would be preferable to this!

Tanith · 20/01/2023 21:19

It may also have something to do with lockdown and lack of socialisation during the pandemic. We've been seeing unusually violent behaviour from some young children in the Early Years since then and it's been highlighted more than once.
We've had to teach them how to play and interact with their peers and some are still struggling.

StollenAway · 20/01/2023 22:02

Can you move your DC? It might have been bad luck having these kids in your cohort but it’s also the preschool’s failing for not dealing with it.

Original poster

BeatrixPottery · 21/01/2023 08:36

We enquired re places at other settings before Christmas and there's nothing. @Tanith it's not just the violence its the nastiness and the fact that the violence is thought about, not just a lashing out/escalation.

It looks like one of them might end up in the same school as DC and I'm like right do we now need to rethink school. It's only going to get worse there isn't it.

OP posts:

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