Looking for an outside opinion

UnicornDinosaurButterfly · 2022-12-03T23:39:15+00:00

I’m a lurker and finally need some of your wonderful (or not so!) opinions please… Family unit = DH, 2 DC and I. MIL came to stay for 6 weeks (from out of the country). Excluding all the little things, I can’t get over MIL cooking specifically for herself, DH and her partner (when he arrived) - calling out those 2 by name to say dinner is ready, never making enough for anyone else and/or adding chilli so DC can’t/won’t eat (not that anything was ever put out for them). I know I’m an eedyat for not saying something at the time but I just can’t stop feeling very angry about it. DH let it be to “keep the peace” and now, after all have gone home, I’m raging. MIL did what she did but it feels disrespectful for DH to have not put a stop or rectified this in some way. No DC were left unfed in this time (or ever), they are my source of existence! AIBU to feel so angry about it all and feel so disrespected?

forrestgreen · 03/12/2022 23:40

You have a dh problem

I'd I'd have been furious and scraped half of his onto a plate for me

704703hey · 03/12/2022 23:43

That is so rude, so she just took over your kitchen at her whims? You need to talk to DH about it.

FictionalCharacter · 03/12/2022 23:43

You know you're not being unreasonable. Tell him he must never, ever let her treat you so badly in your own home again.

SkylightSkylight · 03/12/2022 23:44

How/why did you not say anything to her when it first happened??

DH 'to keep the peace' wouldn't have found it At All peaceful!!!

now, I'd be telling him to Fuck Off to Mummy's and stay there!!!

ShyMaryEllen · 03/12/2022 23:45

I don't think YABU, but there's not much point in blaming your husband now that it's too late for him to do anything about it. You were as capable as he was of stepping in or saying something at the time (you had six whole weeks to find the words), but neither of you did. It was wrong, but you can't put it right now.

I would have a conversation (if you haven't already) and explain how let down you feel, but then you either have to let it go or decide what will make you feel vindicated and see if doing whatever it is is possible. If the feelings you have now are linked to other behaviour in your relationship they need to be discussed alongside the specifics of this case.

Notimeforaname · 03/12/2022 23:47

Youd probably be less angry if you'd said something at the time. Your husband could have said something too.

Also...I've never seen eejit spelled as "eedyat" before😀

SkylightSkylight · 03/12/2022 23:47

FictionalCharacter · 03/12/2022 23:43

You know you're not being unreasonable. Tell him he must never, ever let her treat you so badly in your own home again.

That's easily solved, she wouldn't BE coming back!!

Original poster

UnicornDinosaurButterfly · 03/12/2022 23:48

I know I’m a complete idiot for not saying something at the time. I can’t even reasonably explain why I didn’t… just that I didn’t. It just festered and festered.

I can’t find a calm way to talk about it. I’m so angry about it all, there’s a lot of shouting and swearing (from me) so I can’t even get a sensible understanding of how or why he thinks this was okay.

I think I’m more hurt/angry at him allowing this (also myself too, I should have just said something there and then) :(

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CaronPoivre · 03/12/2022 23:49

So outrageously rude it’s quite funny.

forrestgreen · 03/12/2022 23:52

For 6 weeks you can only feed the kids!

VintageVest · 03/12/2022 23:53

So she cooked meals while you and the kids were in the house, made enough for herself and the two men but never asked if you and the children wanted any? Yeah that's really off. I would be irked by that. Although I can imagine that sometimes she fancied something spicy and cooked that too, but then you would think she would make enough for at least all the adults (unless she knows you don't do spicy?).

I would have just asked outright if she had made me any.

Original poster

UnicornDinosaurButterfly · 03/12/2022 23:55

ShyMaryEllen · 03/12/2022 23:45

I don't think YABU, but there's not much point in blaming your husband now that it's too late for him to do anything about it. You were as capable as he was of stepping in or saying something at the time (you had six whole weeks to find the words), but neither of you did. It was wrong, but you can't put it right now.

I would have a conversation (if you haven't already) and explain how let down you feel, but then you either have to let it go or decide what will make you feel vindicated and see if doing whatever it is is possible. If the feelings you have now are linked to other behaviour in your relationship they need to be discussed alongside the specifics of this case.

it is linked to other behaviour and you’re completely right, I carry this one too - I’d kick myself, if I could, for not saying something at the time. I just can’t find any calm within me to discuss anything.

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Original poster

UnicornDinosaurButterfly · 03/12/2022 23:59

SkylightSkylight · 03/12/2022 23:47

That's easily solved, she wouldn't BE coming back!!

Show quote history

MIL wants to come back in the summer 😳

I’ve said I’ll move out (with the DC) for that time but that’s idiotic too… it’s my home.

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AmIbeingTreasonable · 04/12/2022 00:01

If this were my household she wouldn't be visiting ever again!

Original poster

UnicornDinosaurButterfly · 04/12/2022 00:01

VintageVest · 03/12/2022 23:53

So she cooked meals while you and the kids were in the house, made enough for herself and the two men but never asked if you and the children wanted any? Yeah that's really off. I would be irked by that. Although I can imagine that sometimes she fancied something spicy and cooked that too, but then you would think she would make enough for at least all the adults (unless she knows you don't do spicy?).

I would have just asked outright if she had made me any.

Not enough chilli to actually be spicy but the one time I made hubby call the DC over to try some of his food it was too spicy for them.

I should have asked. I should have said a few things. I can’t sensibly explain why I didn’t but I didn’t :(

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Original poster

UnicornDinosaurButterfly · 04/12/2022 00:04

AmIbeingTreasonable · 04/12/2022 00:01

If this were my household she wouldn't be visiting ever again!

Would you call it outright, about her not staying? I’ve thought about suggesting a hotel next time or a much shorter time…

MIL is in her 70’s. None of us are promised tomorrow; I’d feel awful for her not getting time with DH.

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Original poster

UnicornDinosaurButterfly · 04/12/2022 00:07

Notimeforaname · 03/12/2022 23:47

Youd probably be less angry if you'd said something at the time. Your husband could have said something too.

Also...I've never seen eejit spelled as "eedyat" before😀

Hahaha - pleased to have added a new version for you 😃

and you’re right, having said something might have helped but if she’d have said something stupid back, I might be even angrier now… I guess that’s one of the (many) reasons I didn’t pipe up at the time 🤷🏽‍♀️

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Original poster

UnicornDinosaurButterfly · 04/12/2022 00:13

forrestgreen · 03/12/2022 23:40

You have a dh problem

I'd I'd have been furious and scraped half of his onto a plate for me

I couldn’t agree more about there being a DH problem. The DC are so young though :(

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Original poster

UnicornDinosaurButterfly · 04/12/2022 00:14

AmIbeingTreasonable · 04/12/2022 00:01

If this were my household she wouldn't be visiting ever again!

MIL wants to come back in the summer 😳

I’ve said I’ll move out (with the DC) for that time but that’s idiotic too… it’s my home.

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ShyMaryEllen · 04/12/2022 00:27

If you moved out you'll feel resentful about that though. I definitely would, specially if I had two kids and all my/their stuff was somewhere else for six weeks. That's really a non-starter.

If you can't get your MIL to stay somewhere else (if that's financially and possible?) could you get any awkwardness over with at the start, by saying that you have started planning meals a week at a time for ease of shopping/preventing waste (or whatever sounds more like something that you would be concerned about) and you'd like her to join in so that her tastes are accounted for along with everyone else's.? Get your husband to support you on pain of a slow death, and do it. A list of meals drawn up once a week, with her (limited) input, and no deviation. It might be a bit of a pain to do, but it has to be better than having someone taking over your kitchen and using the ingredients you'd bought for one meal to make another that you don't even get to eat.

If she says she wants to help you could suggest that Friday night is takeaway night and she pays for it.

ShyMaryEllen · 04/12/2022 00:29

sorry, that should have said 'if that's financially and socially possible it might be the best outcome'.

Timezoned · 04/12/2022 00:29

Tell your DH exactly how it made you feel , being blanked as such by his mother and him not standing up for you ,
next time MIL gets to stay in a hotel to give you some space and boundary’s and cooking in your kitchen isn’t going to be something she needs to do
6 weeks is far too long , a couple of weeks if more than enough

SwimInTheRain · 04/12/2022 00:30

I understand why it was difficult for you to stand up for yourself and your children when your husband didn't do anything! It was his place to say something to his mother or he could have set extra places at his dining table and included you and his children. He finds it hard to stand up to his mother but he has his own children and wife so he really needs to grow up. If you are not on the same page with your husband also thinking his mother's behaviour in this ìnstance was unacceptable then you have a DH problem. I'd suggest your DH consider moving back in with his mum if he wants to behave like a child.

Original poster

UnicornDinosaurButterfly · 04/12/2022 00:36

ShyMaryEllen · 04/12/2022 00:27

If you moved out you'll feel resentful about that though. I definitely would, specially if I had two kids and all my/their stuff was somewhere else for six weeks. That's really a non-starter.

If you can't get your MIL to stay somewhere else (if that's financially and possible?) could you get any awkwardness over with at the start, by saying that you have started planning meals a week at a time for ease of shopping/preventing waste (or whatever sounds more like something that you would be concerned about) and you'd like her to join in so that her tastes are accounted for along with everyone else's.? Get your husband to support you on pain of a slow death, and do it. A list of meals drawn up once a week, with her (limited) input, and no deviation. It might be a bit of a pain to do, but it has to be better than having someone taking over your kitchen and using the ingredients you'd bought for one meal to make another that you don't even get to eat.

If she says she wants to help you could suggest that Friday night is takeaway night and she pays for it.

You are a level of calm and reason 🫶🏽

What you’re saying makes complete sense and I have time for that to be a “thing” by that point.

You’re right about moving out for any duration not being practical.

She barely spoke to me for the entire time she was here, only when she had to and even that was very minor chatter.

Part of my issue now is seeing MIL (and some of her ways) in DH and it’s causing me to be completely illogical in how I respond to DH.

I’ve got a counselling session (lots of other issues!) booked for tomorrow… 50 minutes won’t touch the sides but I’ll get some of this off my chest 🤦🏽‍♀️

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Original poster

UnicornDinosaurButterfly · 04/12/2022 00:44

SwimInTheRain · 04/12/2022 00:30

I understand why it was difficult for you to stand up for yourself and your children when your husband didn't do anything! It was his place to say something to his mother or he could have set extra places at his dining table and included you and his children. He finds it hard to stand up to his mother but he has his own children and wife so he really needs to grow up. If you are not on the same page with your husband also thinking his mother's behaviour in this ìnstance was unacceptable then you have a DH problem. I'd suggest your DH consider moving back in with his mum if he wants to behave like a child.

Thank you 🙏🏽

He did agree that her behaviour was wrong at one point but then on the very last evening, she gave me a “gift” (from a shop over here), I’m the only family member that didn’t get something from abroad - in my anger I didn’t even open the bag, I found a reason to go and help the DC. That caused a level of offence, from what I gathered.

Now, after they’ve gone home DH won’t engage in any conversation about anything that happened. Let alone whether he agrees with any of it or not.

I was so upset by the end of it all, my passive aggression of not opening the bag or acknowledging what was in it made me look like the bad person in it all. Of all the things I could have looked bad for, this one was a wasted one for sure 🤦🏽‍♀️

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