Photo consent

[MrsPetty]

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not. My sister and I had a falling out quite a few years back and haven’t spoken since. I’m okay with that and happy to live and let live, I wish her well. Since we became estranged our Mother was diagnosed with dementia. She lived with me for a several years and three years ago moved into residential care. I visit her most days. She is physically great but mentally deteriorating. My sister also visits her. Mutual friends/family often screenshot photographs of my sister and our Mother that my sister has posted on social media and it really, really upsets me. She recently brought people to the nursing home to celebrate our Mothers birthday and photographs were posted. I feel these photos are not about our Mother - she doesn’t recognise anybody anymore or know what a camera is etc. She doesn’t understand and she just looks totally confused or blank. I have Power of Attorney for our her and I want to protect her dignity. AIBU to ask that photographs of her are not posted on social media?

Did your mum previously consent to photos? Did she allow this?

Is it really upsetting her or more that it annoys you? What would have happened before you became estranged?

It's a difficult one really because they don't need consent.

Plus, look at the millions of children whose parents post photos of them without consent, because they don't need it either.

It doesn't make it right but there you go.

I think it depends how she uses social media.
If it’s to brag, garner sympathy and chasing likes they shouldn’t be on there.
If she uses it more to collect memories then I can see why she wants them on there.
It does all sound a bit degrading towards your mum though, especially if she no longer looks like her.
I wouldn’t want her to post them either in your shoes, but I don’t think you will be able to stop her as she is your mums daughter too.

Unless your mother previously declined to have her photo on social media I think you are being unreasonable. She is her mother as much as yours.

Plus if you are estranged why are you looking at your sister's social media?

I think you need to be careful that your not doing it out of spite more than anything else.

unless your mum had very strong views on social media then I think you can’t dictate what your sister does.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I understand you not liking it, I wouldn’t either. I don’t think you have the right to stop her though, she’s her mum too (unless your mum has made it very clear that she doesn’t want photos posted in the past?).

Agree completely with this. The fact you are estranged from your sister does make it seem spiteful and like you would be doing to just because you can.

Your mother might not understand that she's having her photo taken but unless it causes her distress then why shouldn't her other daughter be allowed to take pictures of her mum and share them?

Oh OP. As someone with experience of dementia, I can understand why you don't want them on social media. I can understand wanting to protect her dignity.

Sadly, whilst I agree with you, I think it would just cause unnecessary drama to try to stop her and I think it's a stress that you don't need.

In your position I think I would just say to the family members that are showing you the screenshots "I'd wish she didn't post these photos. Please don't show me them."

I'm sorry. I understand and I agree with you. I just think it will upset the apple cart to raise the issue and cause a lot of stress.

Thanks for the replies. I appreciate them all. I absolutely have questioned my motives but it is just about my Mum. I don’t think I’d care if she looked happy and well but she doesn’t. She looks confused and lost. @qwerdi I don’t look at my sisters social media - mutual friends have recently sent me screen shots. @arthurfonzerelli You’re totally right. It would cause unnecessary stress I’m sure.

Yanbu. My mum has advanced alzheimers and I never post photos of her on social media. I know she would be mortified if people saw her like that (I would be). In fact, I might have a word with my kids soonish in case I go the same way (a distinct possibility).

In contrast, a close friend's mum is in a similar position and he regularly posts photos of her looking like a rabbit caught in the headlights, a far cry from the vibrant, attractive lady she once was. I cringe every time. To make matters worse, he'll post details about her illness, such as her pissing herself. While I know he cares deeply for his mum, I can't help but feel there's an element of attention seeking - he is a bit of a nightmare on social media generally!

As others have said, there's not a lot you can do given that you and your sister are estranged, but maybe make your feelings known next time someone shows you a screenshot in the hope the message gets through.

@Teentrauma thank you. It’s such a horrid illness 😕 I’ll definitely give my DDs the heads up on it too! I think it’s 99% because the woman in the photos doesn’t look like my DM. She had such a twinkle in her eye and most photos of her before she became sick are of her laughing her head off. 1% of me resents the fact I think the photos are posted so people can see what a wonderful daughter my sister is …. And have nothing to do with my DM 😗