To lose interest in OLD?

[sinkchanel]

Hi all

I’ll preface this by saying that my last relationship was an emotionally abusive one, which was very intense from the start - lovebombing etc. I have now been single for two years and looking to start dating again.

The problem I’m having is that I don’t know whether my last relationship has warped my perception of what is normal. I am OLD and often can find that I’ll start speaking to someone, it will be going really well - loads in common, in depth chat for a few days etc
But then they can disappear for a day or so, coming back saying ‘oh sorry I was busy’ but carrying on the conversation from there. The issue is that in those 48 hours, 100% of the time, I’ll have lost interest because I am convinced that if they were actually interested, they’d have found the time to send a short message - even just to say ‘I’m busy’. I don’t want to waste my time on people who are only lukewarm, but I don’t really know if that’s a reasonable train of thought or if it’s linked to my trauma.

Opinions are split between my friends. Some are like me and say that if they’re not too bothered to reply when it’s fresh and exciting, they’re not that into me.
The others think that before any dates have been had, I should just go with the flow and not overthink it - obviously he won’t be invested in someone he’s never met.

AIBU to lose interest as soon as communication becomes patchy?

Did you have some therapy to understand why you were drawn to the abusive relationship? Do you think you are at a good place to date now? Two years isn't enough if you haven't done the work.

Some people don't care if you text a couple of times a week some people like a daily check in You are those people and so if he doesn't do this then he is incompatible with you. Maybe try meeting guys IRL, OLD tends to be full of flakes and hard to gauge interest and who's genuine.

@SweetBabyFeet I did yes - it was linked to my childhood and relationship with my mother mainly. I was also only 22 when I met him, and unfortunately didn't find the strength to leave for quite a long time. I'm wondering whether it is that I'm not quite ready to date yet?

It's so difficult to navigate OLD, isn't it? Someone can seem very interested and then just drop off a cliff. It's not that I take it personally or that it upsets me. I just lose interest in that person completely and I'm wondering if I'm missing out on some worthwhile connections by having this attitude, if that makes sense?

Hi @sinkchanel inknow it’s an old thread but have just come here to say I hope you’ve had some good luck on old since.
I also react like that. I also had some trauma so can’t really say if it’s normal. But this is how you are, and you can’t really tell yourself to be different, can you? I think it’s possible that some people disappear for a day or two, particularly if they’ve been at the game for quite some time… you can’t sustain this level of excitement and engagement with all potential partners …

I meant, they disappear temporarily while still being interested!