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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel pi**ed off at friend

23 replies

Laurenplus2 · 03/12/2022 15:06

I have a good friend who is always broke. She works more than I do but don’t ask me what she does with her money. I know she has rent to pay and a son to look after and it’s hard on her own. we had paid half each to go on a trip with another friend. Just a bit of Xmas shopping etc but last week she came to me upset telling me that she had no money, she owed money on bills and that the holiday would break her before Xmas. I totally understood as I’ve been in this position myself so I gave her back the last instalment she had paid towards the holiday and cancelled the whole thing til new year. This left me out of pocket as the whole lot had already come from my bank account. She seemed happy and off she went. Since then she has texted me while she’s been on two nights out with friends and just texted me a few mins ago to say she is out again!! WTF I feel like a right mug. I don’t begrudge her a night out obviously and what she does is none of my business but she doesn’t seem to understand why I’m a bit miffed at her. Pay me back the money you owe me if you can afford 3 nights out after coming to me cap in hand. I’m sorry if it sounds harsh but I’ve had it up to my eyeballs with people treating me like shit

OP posts:

Monr0e · 03/12/2022 15:13

So she still owes you money but is going out and telling you about?

Then tell her, tell her you have been left out of pocket and you need your money back and get her to agree a date. Or even a payment plan. But stop seething quietly. A good friend wouldn't do this. If she makes you feel bad for asking for your money back, she isn't a good friend.

Original poster

Laurenplus2 · 03/12/2022 15:22

Monr0e · 03/12/2022 15:13

So she still owes you money but is going out and telling you about?

Yes I gave her back the last instalment she paid as she said she was broke. Practically crying. Therefore basically I’ve paid and lost her last part of the holiday. This was only Tuesday and she’s been out twice since and again today! I told her I was pissed off as the whole bloody holiday had to be cancelled due to her being broke!! She said the bad side is coming out in me and she won’t forget me saying this to her. I’m seething but don’t want her thinking I’m just obsessed with money, I’m not, it’s just the principle of the thing! Now she’s not out all night partying but she has been out drinking for a good few hours each time with “no money” . The last instalment I gave her back was for bills apparently

OP posts:

DenholmElliot11 · 03/12/2022 15:24

Tell her, gently, and explain to her that it's not really on. But do it face to face next time you see her.

Monr0e · 03/12/2022 15:26

Then she's a pisstaker.

And definitely not a friend if she can turn it round and try and make you out to be the bad guy for calling her out on her shitty behaviour.

I hope you get your money back but wouldn't be surprised if you've lost both your friend and your money in this instance. And you are quite right to be pissed off

BMW6 · 03/12/2022 15:28

Lol easy for her to claim "the bad side" of you is coming out when what you are doing is shining a light on her bad behaviour.

Tell her she needs to pay back what she owes you. You have seen that she's been going out despite owing you money, thieving cow.

britneyisfree · 03/12/2022 15:32

Fuck it. Just let it go but never make plans to go away with her again or anything that involves money, simple.

AliceOlive · 03/12/2022 15:36

She has used you. I would be hurt that she cancelled with me then gabbed about what fun she was having out with other people.

She is also gaslighting you by acting as if you are the bad one here.

She is not a good friend.

Original poster

Laurenplus2 · 03/12/2022 15:42

I’m just so hurt over it we have been friends for over 20 years and I’ve let her stay rent free with me before for months. Never asking for food money or electricity money. Its not even the money it’s the lies I hate

OP posts:

OutFortheBirds · 03/12/2022 15:52

britneyisfree · 03/12/2022 15:32

Fuck it. Just let it go but never make plans to go away with her again or anything that involves money, simple.

I’d agree with this. Let it go this time. No point fighting about it.I empathise, friend does things like this, but I’ve had to realise she’s a good person, but not when money is involved.

My lesson learned: Don’t take charge of bookings that need deposits and don’t front cash anymore

AliceOlive · 03/12/2022 15:52

I doubt she’s even lying. She is probably just tremendously irresponsible and lacks discipline. So the minute you gave her the money, really your own money, she yelled “woo hoo” and made more plans.

I don’t see a way to have a real friendship with a person like this.

OutFortheBirds · 03/12/2022 15:54

Yeah, some folks are just naff with money and think nothing of other folks fronting cash for them.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 03/12/2022 15:55

I would just say "that's nice your third night out on the lash, when you going to pay me back that money you owe me?"
The friendship is dead, she's using you.

Elieza · 03/12/2022 15:55

I have gone out before and had a great night for the price of two cans of coke I nursed all evening while my friends got drunk. So she could potentially have done that too?

If I thought she had been spending my hard earned on drink/dining out though when I’d given her the money for ‘bills’ I’d be having a quiet word along the lines of:

“I’m worried about you because you have so little money left and are struggling with paying bills.

Then I heard that you’ve been out parting three nights this week so now I feel like that’s what you wanted the money for. Not bills.

Thing is, I’ve put myself in a bit of a financial position because I thought your need for the money was greater than mine. Now I find it doesn’t appear to be the case im a bit miffed because I feel like you lied to me.

You don’t owe me an explanation but if you do want to explain what happened it might be helpful as I can’t believe you’d lie to me. If you wanted money you could just have asked me and I’d have helped you without putting myself in shit street financially.

What’s going on and what can I do to help?”

I would then not help her financially but if she needed any other help, like help to get to an AA meeting or gamblers anonymous meeting or something I’d be more than happy. But our friendship would never be the same again if she lied.

WeeOrcadian · 03/12/2022 15:57

She's not your friend, she sees you as an easy ride. And a cash machine. Draw the line.

Original poster

Laurenplus2 · 03/12/2022 16:05

I think what’s really pissing her off is last time she asked me if she could borrow money (€1000+) as she hadn’t got paid, I said no I don’t have it. She knows I do as I recently sold my house with my ex but that was the 3rd time she had asked me. She did give me back what she owed me before asking for the 3rd time but I’m not a bloody ATM I have my own family to look after and finding it bloody hard renting on my own etc

OP posts:

OutFortheBirds · 03/12/2022 16:10

I can’t say I agree with everything Judge Judy says (🤣) but this is golden: Don’t loan out money without expecting to lose it. Give money, but only once and draw the line at that. No loans.

FinallyHere · 03/12/2022 16:20

Pay me back the money you owe me if you can afford 3 nights out after coming to me cap in hand.

Have you said this to her, or are you just venting ?

Original poster

Laurenplus2 · 03/12/2022 16:33

No I have actually said if. I said it’s a kick in the teeth to be honest as the whole holiday was cancelled cause you were broke and since then you’ve had 3 nights out with “no money” and knowing I’ve been left out of pocket. She played the victim. Told me I was bad and she would never delete the message so she could be reminded of it

OP posts:

Original poster

Laurenplus2 · 03/12/2022 16:33

Yes I have actually said it I meant sorry

OP posts:

AliceOlive · 03/12/2022 20:07

She’s ridiculous. Can’t even take that seriously!

growgrowinggrown · 03/12/2022 20:14

Let her keep the message as a reminder of what a scrounging shite friend she is.

Did you agree a date to by paid back by?
Let that date come and if not paid back take her to small claims, fuck it she's effectively ruined the relationship doing this so you may as well try and recoup your loss and show her that she can't behave like this.

Blondlashes · 03/12/2022 20:23

Its probably time to have a rule about lending money.
When asked you can say: I have a personal policy if not lending money to friends or relatives as it crosses boundaries. Like a little phase that you always say.

Companyofwolves · 07/02/2023 17:11

She’s been manipulating you & is annoyed you’ve now seen through her once & for all. If she’s a true friend she would be able to empathise with your position, your living costs, rent, the money lost because of her etc She doesn’t seem that able though. She’s always the one in need. Keep putting the boundaries up & see how much of a true friend she truly is.

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