Friend being passive-aggressive?

[BeepyBoo]

Am I being too sensitive, or is this a bit passive-aggressive? Tonight I'm going out with a group of friends. I am one of the girls going round to (let's call her) Jane's house for dinner beforehand. I mentioned a couple of times on the WhatsApp thread that I will be at the dinner. I presumed it was therefore a given that the booked taxi from Jane's house would include me.

I worked yesterday evening and a this morning, so I missed a message on the page about confirming who needed the taxi. I presume, however it was sent mainly to see whether other girls, not going to the dinner, would be coming to Jane's to get that taxi too (as some replied to say they would). The last message on the thread last night sounded a bit passive-aggressive towards me, saying that I need to confirm, because if I don't want the taxi they can get a cheaper one without me. I replied straight after work this lunchtime.

Why on earth would I be at the meal, and then walk round to my house and drive myself to the night out (a couple of towns away), on my own, whilst everyone else gets the taxi? For a start, if that was the plan, I would have offered lifts! I should think it would be obvious I'd be included. I've experienced this kind of exclusion-type behaviour before and this just feels a bit mean-girl??

They needed to know if you wanted a taxi? What’s passive aggressive about it

Well, you’ve got a slightly dim and rather snide person in the chat. YANBU.

I’d have replied, ‘didn’t realise you were waiting on me for a reply - yes, I’m taking the cab - thought it was obvious I’d be getting it with you and not leaving to walk to mine to get my car and drive’.

Not sure what working yesterday evening has to do with replying to a message? Presumably you had 30seconds to reply at some point

It sounds more as though confirming for the taxi encompassed confirming you'd be starting off at Jane's house - i.e. you hadn't decided to go directly there instead - and they just wanted to know before they booked the larger taxi. I think you are reading too much into it.

Not everyone is allowed access to their phone while they are working!

The friend is probably fed up at having to do the organising - possibly you are not the only one who failed to get back to her

Isn't it just confirming you want to be in the taxi and pay your share?

Imagine if they booked the more expensive one but then you said ‘oh actually DH is picking me up, he will drop me off on his way to X’.
Its not PA for them to ask you to confirm imo.

I think it's impossible to tell without the exact wording of the message.

On one hand I think it would be obvious that you're going in the taxi. On the other, if I was organiser, I'd be a bit fed up that it had been left to me to sort the night before. No harm with saying Jane I'll be at yours before the dinner but how are we getting to the restaurant? Taxi? Count me in then.

I think an undercurrent to a lot of social interactions now is tempered with the cost of living ie. a mix of people not wanting to be bothered with additional costs and also a lot of people not wanting to bother anyone else with additional costs. So it's all a bit fraught.

YABU - potential loss to you of replying even though you think the question is obvious = 5 secs of your time. That's it.

potential loss to organiser of everyone doing the same as you and not replying = potentially hours of faff chasing everybody, booking smaller taxi after giving everyone a reasonable chance to reply, then getting your response so having to ring small taxi to cancel, re-book larger taxi, then someone else says last minute 'Oh actually I'm not coming out after now/will drive, so get the smaller one,' then everyone's annoyed they are in a big taxi paying more...

Why should it be obvious to taxi driver what you are doing, people drop out of things last minute all the time?

Unless you worked non stop from yesterday evening until today lunchtime with no break and your job is eg a prison guard where you can't have your phone with you, yabu. It would have taken seconds to check the thread, you could have done it on your break, at the coffee machine, on the toilet, in bed before sleeping, etc.

Sounds like you were being a bit passive aggressive yourself, carefully not checking a message thread where people are making arrangements for an event the next day because "they should already know".

I'm often the organiser for things with my friends and it's really annoying when people ignore you and claim they didn't use their phone that day, when you know that person is a phone addict like most people and was using it all day.

To clear misunderstanding. I got back from work late last night, and did not check my phone. I had no idea the question had been asked, because when I had replied to say on several previous occasions in the thread that I was going to be at the meal, I presumed that WAS my answer to any taxi booking (one of the girls had already offered to book it).

I can't understand why she would think that if I'm at the meal, I would then leave the meal for my own alternative plan. If my DH was going to come to the meal to give me a lift, he would give everyone one, but obviously that's not part of the plan...as we were already talking about taxi's.

I am new to this area, and it's a newish group of friends for me. I do feel that there is a little bit of resentment to include me and 'let me in' to an already formed group. To be honest it feels shit and it's made me feel unenthusiastic about going. But I will go. I'm not the sort of person to let people down - if I say I'm doing something, I do.

Absolutely stupid of your friend to not assume you’d be in the taxi YANBU

I think it does sound a bit snide , unless it was specifically said right we will all get a taxi from Janes is that ok with everyone and you didn’t answer . Some people like confirmation for every little thing no matter how obvious.
I do agree though group chats while you are in work are annoying because actually yes it does take time to sit there follow the chat and realise they are waiting on you .
I do think people expect instant responses these days and actually it’s not always possible.

I’m with your friend on this. I’m the organiser for my main friendship group & this sort of thing is extremely annoying as it’s basically people expecting me to carry an extra “mental load”. It’s also hypocritical because they’re far too busy with work / family / their own lives to check their phones or send a straight forward text (which takes all of 10 seconds) yet I’m expected to have the mental capacity to interpret previous messages, anticipate what they may or may not need & then deduce why something may or not work for them by thinking through possible scenarios because apparently if I did, then their answer would be obvious. Oh and I’m expected to do that for several different people too on several different topics because their lives are far too busy to possibly confirm.

This is an example of what I’m talking about:

Why on earth would I be at the meal, and then walk round to my house and drive myself to the night out (a couple of towns away), on my own, whilst everyone else gets the taxi? For a start, if that was the plan, I would have offered lifts! I should think it would be obvious I'd be included.

I can't understand why she would think that if I'm at the meal, I would then leave the meal for my own alternative plan. If my DH was going to come to the meal to give me a lift, he would give everyone one, but obviously that's not part of the plan...as we were already talking about taxi's.

Your friend just wants a straight forward answer. You were too busy to check your phone yet you expect her to run through the above thought process & anticipate your needs based on previous messages. You think your answer is obvious because you are expecting your friend to think well BeepyBoo said she’s coming to dinner so she must want a a taxi even though she didn’t actually say anything about taxis when it came up previously. Surely she needs a taxi though because she wouldn’t walk home to get her car would she? No, that makes no sense & if she was driving surely she would offer lifts right so no it’s definitely not that. Maybe her DH is driving her? But then surely he would offer lifts too so that’s unlikely therefore she must need a taxi etc.

As an organiser, I just want a straight answer / confirmation because organising things is enough work already without playing bloody Cluedo.

I also like to have a straight forward confirmation in writing if it’s something that includes money so there’s no misunderstandings later. Not saying you would but it’s entirely possible she could book a more expensive taxi because she’s assuming you will need one only for you to then turn around & say you never asked for one & actually you’ve organised your own transport & then she’s stuck with a higher bill.

You need to check your phone and be clearer in your communication.
They might have thought you won't drink much or at all or that you might need to leave early, maybe the other girls will be staying at Jane's afterwards and didn't want to include you because you are new to the group? I don't know. You don't have to go if you feel you're being excluded, after all, we only have one little side of your story of what happened and we all see things, read things and deal with things differently. YOU don't like how it's playing out so don't go, even if it's unclear to me whether it's pass-ag or not it's enough that you're not happy.

The problem is when people 'presume' things it's quite possible for them to get it completely wrong. Which in this case would have meant them paying out more money. It's best not to assume or presume IME as it has a 50% chance of being wrong.

It looks like they wanted everyone that hadn't already confirmed to confirm at that point and were waiting on you. She got annoyed because she didn't know whether to book for you or not, you could have made alternative arrangements and she'd be out of pocket. You should just have apologised for having not seen the message and ask if you are too late to get the taxi as you'd like to if it's not too late.

You can't just assume that everyone knows what you're thinking/planning.

On top of all that it sounds like they don't know you well at all - I definitely wouldn't be presuming anything about someone I hardly know when it comes to money. I'm sure it will be quickly forgotten though if you apologise and say you were at work and missed the message .