To think my DC is being left out at his dads?

[MaroonBull]

My ex and I have a son (9), he lives with me but stays with his dad every other Saturday night and Sunday day (it used to be every saturday night but his dad changed it for work i think).

Ex has a 1 year old with his girlfriend and I've been hearing from my DS that they're leaving him out a lot.. the 1 year old has all brand new furniture in his room and the best clothes etc while my DS gets hand me downs. They did a family photoshoot but made my DS wait in the corner for some of the pictures so they could have one of just the three of them. They went to a party of one of the girlfriends family members, had my DS stay at his grandparents but took the baby. There could be other things but these are things DS has said recently.

DS has said he's never met any of the girlfriends family, which I think is a bit strange considering they've been together about 4/5 years.

I'm not romantically involved with anyone and happy that way, so I'm not sure how the whole process goes 🤔

Is this normal..? I feel terrible for DS as he's such a sweet little soul and don't want him to feel like an outsider at his dads.

No direct experience but that sounds so wrong and potentially damaging to DS. They shouldn't be treating him as an outsider. That's his dad for goodness sake. Everything they do just sends a message that they love their baby more (whether that's true or not I don't know)

I think that getting a babysitter for an older dc but taking a baby to a party is pretty normal, if you have a baby who will sleep in a pram. Very different to having a DC who needs supervising.

I think making him wait off camera while they take photos of just the three of them is unforgivably awful.

On the whole it doesn't sound like they are making enough effort to ensure your ds doesn't feel pushed out.

Ex is making mo effort to include your ds... find out off ds how he feels.
Try to.speak.with ex about it.
My ds got to 15 told his dad to foff as he didn't deserve a father's day card and haven't spoken in 10 years.
Make sure your little love is OK. X

I wasn't sure if I was overreacting because DS is my whole entire world and I love him so so much, the photoshoot thing broke my heart.

Unfortunately his dad isn't the type to have a rational conversation with, I have tried multiple times, but DS has expressed how it makes him feel left out sometimes.

It's been since the baby was born which I was worried about but I've made a point of talking about the baby with DS, getting him excited to visit, buying little gifts from DS to the baby etc and it feels like I'm doing more to keep DS involved than they are.

I think making him wait off camera while they take photos of just the three of them is unforgivably awful

Yes it is! Did they arrange for DH and DS to have a solo picture?

That would have been an easy way forward

As far as Ex is concerned send him an email and say ‘DS was up set when … DS tells me X and is worried ….’ Do it from DS so he has to at least address the issues

If the girlfriend is paying for the photoshoot maybe she wanted some photos of her partner and Child in case they ever split up

Well it's a tough one as from a step mum's perspective these are honestly things I would do.

The new furniture and clothes - this is probably spearheaded by her. It's not uncommon for it to be the mum's putting the effort in and that can create difficult situations when a child is visiting their dad and step mum, unless the dad goes out of his way to make sure he's putting the same amount of effort in.

The photoshoot - I would want photos of just the three of us too. What should have happened was lots of different combinations so this one doesn't stand out - just the kids together, kids with just dad, dad with just older child, mum with just baby etc. It's obviously going to be too conspicuous if they just do whole group one's and one's without DS.

The party and the lack of relationship with her family is a non issue tbh - as others have said there is a difference between bringing along a baby and an older child, and it's also perfectly normal for a SC to not really know the SP's family or friends. They aren't there most or all of the time those people meet up. My SC barely knows my family and he does not know any of my friends, they would have a passing interest in seeing my own DC but they know very little about my SC and how they fit into my life. It would be odd to expect them to invite him to things.

In short I don't think any of these things are necessarily unreasonable but it seems like there's a general lack of care from his dad about the fact that he feels left out. Some quality time together would probably go a long way, but all you can really do is tell your ex that this is how his DS feels.

The photo thing could have been managed better...photos of dad and Ds together, for example. So he had his turn of being special. And buy and display one too. Or not take Ds at all sand do it another time if mum payed, but have other photos of him around.

Seems really cruel to me. :-(

Dis you buy your DS’s furniture and clothes when he was little? So that’s something you could say?

i’m trying to see this from a balanced point of view as I can see why the youngest might have new furniture when they live there all the time compared to a sibling who only comes every other weekend; I can also see why they might want a photo of just the three of them to give to her family although certainly they should have made another appointment rather than get him to just stand in the corner.
If his dad isn’t someone you can talk to them unfortunately you just need to support your DS with it

It sounds shit. Your boy is 11 though, so I’d maybe be gently putting it out there that if he wants to stay with you instead of going and being treated like a second class citizen then that’s okay too.

I have four kids, and I can’t imagine DH saying ‘let’s make those two stand over there, I don’t want them in the family photo.’

Some of these things are 'normal' in any situation (like taking the baby with them, but grandparents looking after the older one. But their handling of the situation was a bit crap. (They could have just said Grandparents invited him for a sleepover & not mentioned the party or if ligisticallybthat wouldn't work, just explained the Grandparents wanted him to have a sleepover & the baby was just going to go to bed in the hosts room when they got there)

the photo thing is upsetting. It happened to me at his age (in a different setting) and it is something that remains a hurt, obviously I'd never do it to a child. They could have easily got what they wanted, without upsetting him. He probably wasn't 'in the corner' or 'out if it' for more than a few minutes, but it hurts!! Various combinations of them all in the photos would have been fine.

other things like furniture for the baby's room, he just needs to understand HE has baby furniture, babies need furniture and because they're so tiny parents usually buy new (nothing wrong with a hurt child being told a white lie).

Presumably you buy all the clothes he needs, not them, so any others are just 'extras'. The baby is constantly growing and the baby's mum needs to buy him clothes as you do him.

justvtake the sting out of it as you can't change his Dads behaviour.

though I would be saying he needs to speak to his Dad when he's upset.

Unsurprisingly, the current family rank higher than the kid from the failed relationship who comes round occasionally.

I'm not saying it's right, but it doesn't surprise me at all. See it all the time.

Presumably you buy all the clothes he needs, not them, so any others are just 'extras'. The baby is constantly growing and the baby's mum needs to buy him clothes as you do him.

So sad that this is the presumption. It’s ok that his dad never bothers as they’re ‘just extras.’ Of course mums will do all the necessary stuff of buying new clothes and showing the bare minimum care to their children.

I can see why you’re upset, we feel any hurt for them so hard.

I think some of it isn’t too terrible though, a baby will need new clothes and furniture more frequently than a preteen. The party on the surface sounds unfair but if he has no relationship with the SM’s family I can see why he didn’t go and it’s nice for him to have the one on one time with his grandparents. The photo thing, I can understand why the SM would want a photo with just her baby and partner, your boy isn’t her son but it should have been handled better with a photo of just him and his dad too.

I would defo raise it with dad, keep it simple and to the point, DS says X, DS felt sad when X, did you know etc.

They did a family photoshoot but made my DS wait in the corner for some of the pictures so they could have one of just the three of them

I dont think there is anything wrong with them getting some photos of just the 3 of them besides the photos with your child.

And I understand the baby having all new furniture. You wouldn't buy each kid a whole new room for every baby born.

The leaving him out of a family gathering isn't fair.

The photoshoot - I would want photos of just the three of us too. What should have happened was lots of different combinations so this one doesn't stand out - just the kids together, kids with just dad, dad with just older child, mum with just baby etc. It's obviously going to be too conspicuous if they just do whole group one's and one's without DS.

This definitely. The photo shoot was disgraceful.

The furniture will all be new of course because he's only 1. Until he was born it wasn't needed. Clothes, again babies grow out of things ridiculously fast and have a tendency to poo and vomit on them which necessitates lots of them.

I think the fact they've been together approx 5 years and your son has never met any of her family, speaks absolute volumes of how she views your son. She doesn't want to be a stepmum obviously. Does your child not spend extended periods of time with them, i.e. holidays etc.

I can't really see anything wrong with the individual examples you give but of course it's not acceptable if the overall effect is that your DS is feeling sad and left out.

Is it the girlfriend or your ex who is organising these things? If it's your ex, he should have got a few new bits and pieces for your DS when doing the baby's room and should have made sure that your DS didn't feel left out at the photo shoot. Also, it might have been nice for him to offer to supervise your DS at the family party they went to.

If actually your ex is a shit dad who couldn't be bothered to organise his way out of a cardboard box and the girlfriend is doing everything, it's less surprising that your DS is sometimes left out as she's not his parent and will be focused on parenting her own child. Hard as it is, you can't expect her to make up for your ex's failings.

And taking a baby who doesn't require much entertainment to a party is entirely different to supervising an older child and keeping them amused.

I think some if not most of these things are fine just perhaps not handled sensitively enough.

As a step mum I'd have wanted a picture with just the 3 of us too. But I'd have ensured there were multiple variations of people so it wasn't as noticeable as PPs have said.

The party I don't think is bad either. Your son can feel disappointed but it could have been easily explained to him. The baby is a baby, they aren't going to the party for fun, they are just accompanying their parents to an adults party for a variety of possible reasons, maybe they don't want to leave baby yet, maybe she'll happily sleep in the pram whereas your son would need supervising and is more like a 'proper' guest, maybe grandparents didn't feel comfortable having a baby overnight but were happy to have your older son. He'd surely have had a nicer evening with his grandparents than a stranger's party? I don't think this needed to be a big deal. It could be easily explained by you or your ex.

Not knowing SMs family... Again not seeing the huge issue. My step children know my mum and dad and that is it. They've never met my aunt's or uncles except at my wedding. Perhaps my grandparents on rare occasions. There is no need for them to be seeing my extended family all the time. They have their own.

Furniture and clothes, again don't see the problem. If your son's room there is a pull out bed and a lamp on the floor fair enough but of course the baby is going to need new furniture, they are new... Your son already has furniture I assume? Same with clothes, babies need a lot of clothes and they go through them at lightening speed.

Id also assume a lot of that is done or organised by your exes partner too which is fine. She is allowed to buy whatever she wants for her child. I buy my DC clothes and things for their room sometimes and no I don't get the same for my DSC every time. Their dad is there to do that. I'd be really annoyed if my husband's ex was upset because of what I bought my child in terms of clothes and things.

So is it that your son needs new furniture and clothes but he isn't being bought them or is it just that he's seeing a baby being bought lots of stuff (which is reasonable, they are a new person and need lots of things!) And thinks it's unfair because he isn't also being bought lots of new stuff (which he may not need because he already has them).

And I don't think you can categorically say anything about having the best clothes and things until you've actually spoken with your ex about the way your son is feeling.

There is no way on this planet my DSC know the ins and outs of our DCs wardrobe and whether or not they are the best of the best or charity shop finds. They do not have a clue and I'd honestly fail to see how your son would know that either unless his ex and his GF are literally telling him 'oh come and look what we just bought your sibling from this super expensive shop'.

What hand me downs is your son being given? There doesn't seem to be any older children involved here who could hand down anything to your son?

I'm just wondering whether this could be being exaggerated by your son because he feels insecure about other things. I understand that but I wouldn't take absolutely everything he says at complete face value personally.

Well it was your childs fathers income that enabled her to afford the furniture for the babys room and the babies clothes, and probably the photoshoot too. I hope youre claiming full maintenance.
It is mean of the pair of them not to ensure your son has a nice place/things at his fathers house.
Yes your son is being treated unfairly and im disgusted

Well it was your childs fathers income that enabled her to afford the furniture for the babys room and the babies clothes, and probably the photoshoot too. I hope youre claiming full maintenance.

Pretty sexist assumption.

All that new furniture etc may well have been bought by her relatives as a gift for the new baby.
None of the issues you've mentioned need to have been a problem (apart from the photo thing - agree with PPs that they could have taken some of your ex + DS together), but it sounds like the problem is how your ex communicates, or doesn't, about them.
"Your grandparents invited you to spend a night at their house, they really want to see you because they love spending time with you" "We have to go to this boring event, and take the baby with us because it's still being breast-fed" "Look, I got you this coat so you can wear it when we go ice skating next weekend" (I don't think wearing second-hand clothes should offend growing children)