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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it’s SO hard being a shy, quiet introverted 14 year old boy

13 replies

Fragmentsof2022 · 03/12/2022 07:36

My 14 year old DS is shy, quiet, introverted and extremely sensitive. Hasn’t gone through puberty yet. Loves being at home, still wants to be with us mostly and really struggles. I think some of it is the lack of puberty but he gets upset a lot & generally doesn’t feel like he fits in.

He does really try to put himself out there but his mates are all boisterous testosterone filled lads with beards & he just doesn’t feel like he fits in at all. He hasn’t found a close tribe of mates and in school just hangs out on the edges of other groups. He plays football but that’s tricky too as he’s a lot smaller still.

it’s so hard- I do keep trying to reassure him that he’ll come into his own soon as I think with the right people, he’s probably quite sociable. I just don’t think he’s found them yet.

any thoughts or reassurances?

OP posts:

kiwiiem · 03/12/2022 07:46

Hobbies will be his friend, and you showing an interest or helping him obtain things relating to them, if you can.

But honestly? In the long run, I think you’ll wonder why you worried so much. I get the worry but try and think of it more as he’s building his personality. He’ll make friends, he’ll hit puberty and he’ll come into his own. But if that doesn’t happen at school, it’s not unheard of.

I would look at the lovely plus sides instead of what you think he’s lacking. He’s very clearly emotionally intelligent, sounds like a family orientated young man and will be developing a lot of empathy which I’m sure will lead him to being a helpful person to others in the same situation.

The fact he feels he can come to you and have these chats says a lot about his character and that you’ve created an environment where he feels safe enough to tell you what’s going on.

In the long run, just due to experience and having known teenagers who felt / were in the same situation, he will grow up to be a much more interesting adult because he’s had to be introspective and find out what works for him.

Sunshineandflipflops · 03/12/2022 07:51

Hi op, I have a similar 14, almost 15 year old so understand where you’re coming from.

He doesn’t play football or any other sport either so seems to be even more on the outside of most other lads his age.

His only interest is gaming, which he does do with friends but I’d love him to have more interests. He has started going to 1:1 acting lessons so I’m hoping that will help a little.

He has gone through puberty so looks and sounds older than he acts and feels…it’s so hard but as the pp said, we tell him that as long as he has one or two friends, that’s what’s important and that school isn’t for everyone. I didn’t find my ‘tribe’ until I left school.

MintJulia · 03/12/2022 07:53

Only that I have one who's the same. And he doesn't like football so doesn't want to join in with the rest of the class at lunchtime.

My ds swims and practices karate at the weekend, cycles with me. I do my best to keep him in touch with friends but it's a bit of a struggle at the moment. Just waiting for the hormones to kick in.

SheWoreYellow · 03/12/2022 07:54

The thing is, quieter ones are harder to find and get to know, because they are quieter.

Can you encourage him to get talking to some other people, maybe that he has classes with etc?

Also, have you been to the dr about puberty, here mentions to if no sign by 14

www.nhs.uk/conditions/early-or-delayed-puberty/

LooksBetterWithAFaceMask · 03/12/2022 07:54

You could be describing my ds1. He has been like this is whole life. You describe him as still putting himself out there which is great. I think it shows he is quietly confident.
Ds did start to feel quite lonely but one day he came home started talking about things he had done with this person, oh at lunchtime our group did this. (He had a group!) and that eventually turned into a decent bunch of friends who are a right mixed bag of interests who have all introduced each other to a whole host of new interests and points of view. He’s a much happier boy and so much more confident than he has ever been.

It is such a worry as a mum but I’ve watched dd (19) have her struggles and come out the other side and now watching ds do the same so I believe it does pass and he will find his people and be all the more confident for doing it.

earthfindwire · 03/12/2022 07:58

Could you encourage him into some kind of arts club, either in or out of school? Does he like singing - could he join a choir? Or drama - acting could bring him out of his shell or just being part of a group or doing the backstage work could help. I always found arty types more accepting of different personalities.

Untitledsquatboulder · 03/12/2022 08:04

By 14 puberty should at least be starting so, if it isn't, then do take him to the gp. It is difficult to be one of the last ones to start, esp for boys who love sport.

SpentDandelion · 03/12/2022 08:09

Our culture favours extroverts, hence why so shallow. Encourage him to embrace who he is, most young people find this age very challenging.
School doesn't help as most pupils might as well be clones, they tend to want to look a certain way and have limited thinking.
My youngest son never felt he fitted in, but then again he didn't want to. I love that he stayed true to himself, he is older now and so much happier than he was aged 14. He is on a path of his own.
He doesn't need to change to fit in with what other young people are doing, he doesn't need their approval, we are not meant to all be the same.
Allow him to be himself.

JustAnotherHappyFatty · 03/12/2022 08:11

I would take him to the GP to check there are no issues, 14 is quite late for there to be no signs at all.
Does he do anything like scouting? It might be too late to start now but they are very inclusive and kids that struggle to fit in elsewhere often find their tribe there......maybe at his age something like Cadets would be suitable.

Original poster

Fragmentsof2022 · 03/12/2022 08:17

@SheWoreYellow thanks, yes, he’s in the system for delayed puberty & had all the tests in the summer & the bone scan but we are still waiting for the results!

OP posts:

surreygirl1987 · 03/12/2022 08:19

Is he musical at all? I'm a teacher and I often find that the musical types are often lovely, quiet, (sometimes) introverted children. If he plays an instrument he should get involved in some school orchestra stuff. The arty kids might suit him better than the sporty kids.

Original poster

Fragmentsof2022 · 03/12/2022 08:22

@surreygirl1987 he was good at drumming but didn’t want to continue it- I might try again actually!

We have also got him a space on a 10 week gym course in jan for awkward kids which I am hoping will help his self esteem a bit as being so small isn’t helping!

OP posts:

Nat6999 · 03/12/2022 08:30

My ds was exactly the same, ASD, quiet, no interest in sport, preferred computer games & was much older than his years. He had no friends, was bullied at school. When he moved up to Y10 he made friends with a girl & gradually made friends with all her friends, he is nearly 19 now & he is still friends with them all, his best friend is at University in our city so he can still meet up with her every week & he has travelled to meet some of their others at university. He got involved with local politics & made more friends through that, I don't recognise him from the shy, quiet, bullied boy he was at 14.

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