To be thinking my new job may be too much right now?

[27Bananas]

I'm feeling utterly helpless at the moment and not sure where to turn. This post is probably outing to anyone who knows me.

Just before half term, I landed a new job, a big promotion that fits perfectly around my family life. Well it did. Since then a lot has gone wrong quickly. My sil passed away unexpectedly over the half term, between her death and funeral my niece (her daughter) has been diagnosed with terminal cancel.

In addition to this, one of my 4 children has begun to vomit every morning and cannot go to school. This started following lockdown and he was always late in to school (we had to drive him as we live in a remote village), but thought we had resolved this prior to me accepting this new job, and he hadn't vomited for a whole half term. Two weeks ago it unexpectedly returned with a vengeance - the long and short of it is that the pediatrician's feel it's severe anxiety based around school which has gotten out of control and he isn't going to be able to attend school normally for sometime. I've had to juggle a new job, training, a funeral, sick kids, hospital appointments and bereavement.

Before, my husband used to work nights and could help my son in the mornings, but he has recently changed jobs and is not always home during the day to help now. My husband could request permanent evening shifts, but it means we would not see each other all week as he would leave as I came home. He really struggled with night shifts so I'd worry about the impact of returning to unsociable hours. Equally, my work really needs to happen in school hours, I am the sole person who does my role within my work.

I'm concerned that trying to reintegrate my son into school is going to end up in vicious cycles and wonder whether I need to home ed him temporarily to remove the pressure, build his confidence and the reintegrate him back to main stream (he does want to go to school, his body just has other ideas). We have no family locally to help and friends, as much as they can help now and again, all have their own children and jobs/businesses to deal with.

With all this stress, I have become unwell and not been able to shift a cold, which has led to asthma attacks and steroids. I feel quite unwell. Hubby is also not well but it pushing through it because we cannot afford to loose pay.

Tonight my mum has collapsed and been taken to hospital with heart issues. She has already had an operation on her heart which didn't fully resolve the issue. I'm quite concerned.

I'm feeling utterly heartbroken and like I am playing an impossible juggling game. I was so chuffed to get my new job and desperately looking forward to the challenge. We can't afford for hubby to give up work as he earns more and my job will never be able to go to full time to make up the shortfall if he did. I'm worried about giving up my job financially, but am equally worried about the consequences of not.

You have had to deal with lots of big upsetting news ina relatively short period of time and regardless of job, it would be stressful and overwhelming. Are you able to think about where you will be in 6 months time? Can you separate short term accommodations you need from work vs. Longer term changes to job description? In any case it is probably good to let work know you have an extra full plate, as they will then hopefully be more understanding of short term changes in schedule.

you don’t specify career field, so difficult to advise specifically, but you will probably have peak support right after a promotion, so don’t be shy about asking for accommodations. Just prioritise the things that are going to be valuable longer term.

Thank you for your responses. My employer is aware of most of what has been happening and incredibly supportive so far. My role is in Finance &HR and my workplace is low in employee numbers, so it is felt when one person is off, and staffing levels are already an issue. I think my concern is over whether I can give them what they need without neglecting the needs of my family, especially when my son's mental health is so poor. I think it will be a decision easier made when I am clearer after next week when we know my son's test results for sure and how my Mum is.

You’ve got a huge amount in your plate, and a lot of transition with your new job and your husbands new job, and Christmas just adds to it all. You sound utterly overloaded and overwhelmed - with good reason.

Rather than making any big decisions right now is there anyway you can create some space for yourself. Maybe you have some leave you could take or even sick leave to get over your cold, is there anything you could outsource even just to get you to Christmas? It won’t change any of the things you’re dealing with but might relieve a bit of immediate pressure which can in turn help you think more clearly.

In terms of school, do you know what’s making your son anxious? I don’t know how old he is but the run up to Christmas can be very anxiety provoking for kids in school because the usual school day is different, school is busier and louder and the other kids are excited etc. That change can really throw kids off their stride and lead to increased anxiety levels. Otherwise what are the school doing to support your DS, there are a lot of very straightforward things they can put in place for anxious kids that can help keep them in school. Is your son getting professional help for his anxiety?

It may also be that while the anxiety is manifesting itself around school, your DS is having a reaction to everything you’ve all had to deal with this year and school is the one thing he can (subconsciously) have a reaction too because it’s the one thing there’s wiggle room with. Counselling could help him unpick that.

With your job, do you have a supportive manager? My life can be pretty chaotic at times and knowing my boss recognises this and is very flexible in her expectations of me helps to relieve the pressure. I still need to do my job of course, but can negotiate deadlines, change my working days etc which means I can attend to my kids if something kicks off. It may be worth speaking to your boss - anyone would recognise the pressure your under just now and the emotional toll this year has had on you and there may be ways they can help.

Does your workplace offer employee counselling? I know at my messiest I found having an hour a week with someone I could be fully open with, who would just let me speak without burdening anyone else really valuable.

That all sounds really tough.

I wouldn't home school your DS as it gets harder to go back. Do you know the triggers? How are the school supporting him, some of the things my school do to support anxious children are below.
We have some children who come in straight away and go straight to form rooms in the morning instead of being in a crowd.
We have others who miss form time all together and come in later for 1st period.
We have 2 minute early passes so they can manoeuvre around the school in peace and get to their next lesson before the bell goes for everyone else.
We have toilet passes so that students can go to the loo during lesson time when it's quiet instead of break and lunch.
We have passed to our intervention centre that is staffed and has a calming sensory area and work spaces.
Also put in place a counselling and mind youth.

You say his vomiting has just started again and happened during lock down as it coincided with the death of your SIL and sad news about your DN could it be more about anxiety about death?

Make a plan for a week.
Don't do anything hasty.
Sometimes knowing that you can quit is enough.

Poor you. What a lot of stress in one go. Don't give up your new job, if you can absolutely avoid it. Work around everything else to alleviate the stress in all other areas first. How is ds atm? Is it only a couple of weeks till he breaks up for Christmas? What does he feel about it? Could he just stay home and get work sent? What does his HoY say?