Teaching a child I'm related to but they don't know

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I've used an old username for this thread, for obvious reasons. This is a sensitive subject and I have tried my best to remain as anonymous as possible.

As the title suggests I am a teacher and have been for almost a decade.
This year I am teaching a child who is my cousin's (male) child, I believe it would make them (the child) my second cousin?

However, the child doesn't know who I am apart from being their teacher.
My family and their father's family had a massive falling out almost twenty years ago now and I was a young teen. I haven't seen or spoken to my relatives since then. It was an awful situation and this child's father was a horrible person.

I also know that the father of the child treated the mother terribly. He had two children with her, left her and got another woman pregnant and then left her to go back to the child in questions mum to have another baby.
On top of this he has two other children with two other women I have never met. So I have 7 second cousin's by him, to four women, and I've never met 6 of them.

My cousin then overdosed two years ago, just after the birth of the last baby (the child in question's sibling). From my understanding the mum of the child I teach doesn't see my cousin's relatives (my aunt and uncle). I also know that there have been struggles and have come across this information from what I've seen of social media, heard from others and heard the child speak about. Both from a lack of family support on the mother's side and her own grief.

My senior management team know about the situation but have no issues with me teaching the child as there is no relationship. There is also no rule against teaching relatives.

As the school year has progressed I've gotten to know this child (they only came to us last year). This child is lovely - so well mannered, polite and responsible. We have built a good relationship, in the same manner I would any other child in my class. This child has also built a relationship with my, much younger, child. They look out for them in the dinner hall and playground - the child in my class is in their last year of school and mine in their first, so it is a "buddy" relationship. However the child in my class genuinely goes out of their way to help, more so than is expected, because they enjoy it.

I actually feel quite sad that I've realised I am missing out on so much of this family interaction. I would love to get to know this child, and their siblings, more and continue to remain in their lives. I would love my child to develop a relationship with their cousin's - the child has a younger sibling only two years younger than mine.
I feel sad knowing I could offer life long support to these children but can't.

I wouldn't ever disclose this information to the child of their parent, especially not when I am in the role that I am.

This isn't conflicting with my professionalism. I can very much compartmentalise and remain objective in work, this isn't what I'm worried about.

I'm not sure what's brought these feelings on but it just feels "sucky" for lack of a better word. I've been denied this side of my family, due to no fault of my own, and now I'm older and can see how important these relationships are - how they could develop in to proper family ties - and I understandably cannot do anything about it.

That sounds like a difficult situation OP.
Could you see the school year out, and since the child is in their final year, then reach out to their mum without a conflict of interest occurring s the child will no longer be a student?

That is sad.

Once he’s left school you could approach his mum though, or both of them if he’s coming up for 18.

Is he formally mentoring your child, or did the relationship just spring up? If it was the former I presume no one knew the relationship when it was set up.

If he’s your first cousin’s child then he’s your first cousin once removed, and your children’s second cousin. Or if his Dad is your Dad’s first cousin, then yes you are second cousins, and he’s your children’s second cousin once removed.

You're making the right call not disclosing I think. It could really rock the child if you suddenly changed role in their life. It's like you've been given this lovely window of opportunity to know them within.a teaching role just briefly but to bring to that so much positivity. You could open your family up to a whole world of drama if you sought more of a relationship hearing about the past there. I think all you can do is show yourself compassion and acknowledge to yourself the suckyness of the situation. It's not easy but whenyou had the opportunity you've brought some positive experiences to that child's life and that is a wonderful thing to have been able to do.

Thank you all.

The child is leaving primary to go to secondary. They are very young to have went through the trauma of a parent leaving, coming back, dying and also having 3 half siblings they have never met because their father didn't see the children he had if he wasn't with their mother - as I sad, he wasn't a nice person.

I would love to approach their mother afterwards but I think NewtoHolland has hit the nail on the head. This young person has went through so much in their short life and this doesn't seem fair.

I know I'll still hear about them in the peripherals and wish it could be more but it just seems like too much to inflict on them.
It's horrible.

We had a similar situation regarding a childs father being bad then dying, leaving young children behind. The fathers family have never reached out to the dc. Imo, speaking only for the dc I know, they'd love to meet extended family. Perhaps reaching out in due course to the mother will guide you either way.

I think it's also the awkwardness of potentially explaining why we don't know each other.

"Your father stole several thousand pounds, was a drug dealer and user" will go down as well as "your paternal grandmother stole thousands from a dying elderly woman".

I come from a large and complicated family with many half siblings, step siblings, cousins not spoken about and murky ancestral pasts.We get on with the ones we get on with and don’t stir up mud about the ones we don’t.
I don’t see why you would need to delve into past history if you were to get in touch with the child’s mum once you were no longer teaching them. Family can be such a force for good . If the mother doesn’t want to know, then it stops there, but she might be glad to hear from you.

What's happened on parents evenings?

I don’t really understand why you can’t approach the mum once this child is no longer in your class. (I’m possibly missing something in which case apologies.) She might leap at the opportunity to have a ‘new’ relative, especially one who already has a bond with her child. As for explaining why the two sides of the family fell out, you don’t necessarily need to give specifics; you could just say it happened when you were much younger and it wasn’t your doing. It just seems sad that you would (I think) like to keep the connection going, and that this child (and very possibly mother too) might really benefit from it, yet you seem to have decided you can’t/shouldn’t…

How would you, seemingly a nice person with nice kids, be 'inflicting' anything on him?

he likes you, he likes your kids, why would this not enhance his life (& of course yours& your kids)

I don't think you'll need to explain much, just say when you were a little bit older than him, the adults fell out & so you didn't see his Dad or grandparents. But now that you're an adult you'd like to get to know him & his younger sibling etc.

lots of families are complicated and many of us have relatives that did 'bad' things. 💁🏻‍♀️