to ask what advice you’d give someone who’s never been in a relationship?

[SashaPearce]

Posting for traffic. I’m late 30s, don’t think there is anything actively wrong with me (I hope), but I have never been in a relationship - maybe a combination of being naturally quite independent and never having met the right person. Possibly over-optimistic, but I’d like to think it could still happen. One thing I’ve noticed on former threads where users have discussed whether they would date someone who has never been in a relationship, is users saying that person wouldn’t have learned the lessons that experience gives about how to be in one. So my question is: what have I missed/not learned? What advice would you give to someone who wanted to try to get up to speed? What do you know now about how to be in a good relationship, and how to be good in a relationship, that you didn’t at the start of your dating life?

Good question OP. I've never had a proper adult relationship pregnant with DD at Uni and focused on building our life together, 2nd degree and my career. I've never had time to date but DD is in her teens now so eventually she'll be off on her own.

I have no idea how to be in a relationship, I've lived my own way for so long I think I'd find it incredibly hard to live with a partner.

Ensure you have respect for yourself before entering a relationship. By enough respect I mean that you should expect to be treated with the same level of consideration you plan to bestow upon a partner.

First off, read up on red flag for abuse. What gaslighting it. What sexual coercion is. Love bombing.

Read the book Why does he do that? By lundy Bancroft

Read the book the gift of fear.

That's to keep you safe from predators of which there are too many.

Now that we got that out of the way, a few bits of practical dating advice:

• ignore everything men say and judge then only by what they do

-have standards and boundaries and don't be afraid to enforce them -don't have sex before you've agreed you are exclusive, otherwise you'll be used for sex and strung along -try not to become too swallowed up in the relationship. Maintain your friends and hobbies and time apart. -flirt and show interest but do it subtly. Outright asking men out (despite what the feminists like myself like to say) almost never works out in the long run -use OLD to explore what's out there and practice conversing and flirting over text, but set your expectations very veeeery low. OLD works well as an ego boost if nothing else -try not to be too insecure/gealous. -don't be afraid to communicated abd never expect men to read minds or get subtle hints -always meet in public, safe spaces. Never get in their car for first dates.

Look up Matthew Hussey's youtube channel. His dating advice is usually spot on.

Best of luck! Dating is scary and frustrating but also funny and exhilarating. It's definitely worth exploring :)

Um. It's about give and take, meeting one another half-way, being flexible, taking turns being supportive, communicating, etc. It does help if both people have had good relationships with their parents and seen their parents maintaining a good relationship. Also it's about being able to sort out differences of opinion without resorting to extreme reactions. Having respect for one another.

Honestly, we’re all just winging it. Certainly I am! I’m not the best at relationships. I tend to “lose” myself and focus too much energy on whether my partner is happy, to actually stop and think `”am I happy?”. I think you are neither at an advantage or disadvantage. You’re strong and independent so the pits I fell into are ones you’re not likely to. Keep being yourself and when the time is right it will come naturally. There is also something to be said for people who come without “baggage”. (I have a luggage carousel full!). I’d find it refreshing to meet someone like that.

It does help if both people have had good relationships with their parents and seen their parents maintaining a good relationship

You’re not wrong and I don’t disagree with you, but god it hurts. My parents were abusive and “good” men as the type you describe never wanted me. For that exact reason. So I was stuck with other men of dysfunctional parents. Which was never going to work. You speak the truth but it makes me sad. I have suffered through adulthood for the sins of my parents.

100% true.

Agree with the just winging it comment. I had never been in a proper relationship until I met my DH at 38 and neither had he really. No clue what we were doing in the beginning and it's just taken lots of compromise and talking about any issues. It just happens naturally. In our case I think that being alone for so long actually helped as we were both comfortable in our own skin by that point with our own interests and hobbies and not at all co-dependent. We're happy to be together but also aren't bothered at all by the other being out with friends / doing hobbies etc. We've now been together 9 years and married for 3, so far so good 😁

Thank you everyone for the helpful replies ❤@Fuwari I’m sorry you have been through those tough experiences, it sounds like you have a clear sense now of what you want and you deserve to find it x