To tidy my daughter’s cesspit

[Shutthegatepeter]

My 13 year old daughter lives in filth. Her room is like something from an episode of how clean is your house. It’s a health hazard. There are mice in there, I’ve seen where they’ve been chewing stuff up. Mice, upstairs, in the house. I’ve nagged and nagged, asked nicely, asked not so nicely, grounded for a week so she could do it in that week, offered to help her do it. I’ll she says is she’ll do it, and then never does it. She has ADHD and takes after her father, who is a bit of a hoarder, and our house would be horrific if it wasn’t for me. I like a nice clean tidy home, doesn’t need to be a show home, but a nice homely feeling home like most people. Anyway it’s been months now and her room is festering, literally. So I’m doing it. Im gutting it out whilst she’s at school, washing the carpets, boil washing some of her laundry, absolutely fumigating the place. Am I being too soft? Probably. But I can’t live with it any longer. Please tell me im not the only one with a feral teenager 😂

My 16 yr old is under diagnosis for adhd and struggles. We sometimes will do a blitz and she loves it and it helps her organise her mind more easily. It's just very frustrating that she can't see it as it happens although she is getting better (trying to get her to throw away that piece of paper from 2010 that she wrote on is a bloody nightmare though)

Just strip the room bare and tell her she can have her belongings back when she can look after them. I would go ballistic. The mice won't just stay in her room, they will be all over the house by now. Not to mention fleas, parasites etc. Disgusting.

ADHD has nothing to do with being a lazy, dirty teenager. You've let her off far too lightly.

I’d be putting everything into bin bags apart from essentials and she can only have it back when she’s part of organising it. I’d also stop food in her room; the mice would be way too far for me

If it wasn't for the mice I'd leave it but I'd give her warning and chuck everything. It will be covered in mice piss

AH mice, you need to get in there. But it's not going to help her hoarding it'll make it worse.

I went with, it's your space do what you like with it approach, it was horrendous but they are now sane , clean , tidy adults running well organised households of their own. My in law who was made to clean lives in a shithole.

I think you haven’t been hard enough if she has mice in her room. Chances are they have gotten in by another route, but have taken residency in her room due to the food and nest they are able to make.
I would completely gut the room and Chuck most of it in the bin. I will strip back as much as possible in terms of possessions and furniture as I can, this way she would find it easier to remain on top of.
I have ADHD and need to be a minimalist for this reason

A line was crossed when the mice arrived. Obviously you need to take action since she hasn't.

The really tricky bit is how to proceed afterward. She should have her own space and some control over it, but it's clear that she lacks the skills to manage it entirely by herself and she has presumably turned down your offers to help her sort it out.

Maybe post on the SEN board for suggestions on how other parents have handled such a situation?

I think you should have told her what you are planning to do, to give her a day to prepare and a final opportunity to do it herself.

I distinctly remember my mother tidying my room( wasn't anywhere as bad as your daughter's) and it was a huge invasion of my privacy, I felt like it wasnt my room anymore and I became extremely worried that my mother would go in my room everytime I was out the house. This really impacted the relationship I had with my mother, and is thought to be a key trigger to my eating disorder (I had no control over my room or possessions, but could control what I ate).

I hope a clean room is worth it to you, especially as you don't know how it may negatively impact on your daughter wellbeing.

I’m making my way through it, I can now walk across the room! I’ve done one round of vacuuming and 2 loads of washing. Not seen any mice thank f** but seen evidence of where they’ve been. Everything is getting stripped, cleaned, anti bacterial and carpet washed, and mice bait traps are on route. I’m not sure if she’s going to see this as a wonderful thing I’ve done, helped her out of the pit and she now has (soon will have) a lovely clean beautiful grown up young woman’s bedroom to enjoy, or a total invasion of her privacy? To be fair I’ve not found anything I didn’t expect to find, no cigarettes or anything like I would’ve had at 13!

Mice means there's a serious health risk not only to your daughter but the entire family. Normally I defend kid's rooms as their own, but you are doing the right thing.

A few suggestions to help:

1. Ban on food and drink (other than water) in her room. Make sure this is the same for everyone
2. Create a cleaning schedule with cleaning broken up into mini tasks - can be weekly but I find easier to be daily (set tasks on set days)
3. Use the timer method if needed - set for 10 to 15 minutes for cleaning spurts
4. Simplify and declutter

Most importantly, there are links between ADHA and hoarding. Your daughter needs to be in therapy for this now. It will just get worse without professional treatment.

Get a black/ UV torch that shows up mouse and rat urine. They're about a fiver. Then shows her where they have been.

My 19 year old daughter is the same. 99% sure she has adhd. I end up cleaning it- although we've never had mice- because she losing motivation to keep it clean and it ends up as bad again. She literally can't see how bad it is and it makes her feel less stressed when its done

No you’re not ‘being too soft’. Why have you (and her dad) let it get to this point in the first place?

Yes, ideally a 13 should be responsible for her own room, but she obviously can’t cope with it alone yet. She’s a child and she has ADHD. You’re her parent. You need to work with her to make sure she has a clean and safe space to live, even if this means a daily battle.

I was like your daughter, including the mice! No adhd and have always had a v tidy and clean house as an adult so no idea what was going on there, I just didn’t care and I couldn’t be bothered. I remember being annoyed (but maybe a tiny bit pleased) when my dad tidied it for me. I just do my teens’ rooms on an ongoing basis because they don’t give one and I very much do!

I think life’s too short to have messy rooms as a battle ground, kids will be grown up and gone before you know it. Just help her out regularly and everyone’s happy, hopefully!

I recommend these for the mice amzn.eu/d/9kJMilF

I'd help her do it. But maybe she's got too much stuff too.

If you have mice in the room you will likely have them everywhere
I would never of let my kids room get to state where mice are encouraged as getting rid is not nice or easy and risk of diseases etc

As for kids privacy everyone else also has the right to live in a pest free house and that trumps in my opinion.
Going forward no food in room , she has to hoover once a week , every 2 weeks whatever your happy with
Clothes in clothes basket etc
If that doesn't happen after a couple warnings then you go in and clean

There will be mice elsewhere in the house. What is the rest of the house like?

TBH yes a 13 year old should be keeping their bedroom tidyish but she is still a child and 13 year olds still need teaching this stuff...with help and guidance, that's your job. I think it's neglect that it has been allowed to get that bad before her parents sort it. Do you need more help with it OP? Perhaps draft in help from family.

My daughter is 11 and is also a hoarder and a complete slob, after a few occasions of her refusing to tidy the mountains of crap in her room and then finding a dried up pile of cat puke embedded into her bed sheets, I've gone in there and spent hours sorting and tidying and chucking stuff out. I've done it all for her a few times and she's now at the point where she still hates to tidy up but would prefer to do it herself rather than having me in her room ruthlessly chucking stuff out!

As I mentioned in the first post, I keep a clean and tidy house. I’ve seen no evidence of mice anywhere else but if course they’ll be running around everywhere now. The only room that is messy in our house is/was my daughter’s room. Even my crafting room, the sheds and the attic is more clean and tidy and well kept than my daughter’s room was. I certainly don’t need to draft in any help, I’m down to washing the carpets right now with the rug doctor, and her room looks, smells and feels like a proper bedroom again. It’ll last maybe until Xmas if I’m lucky 😂

You seem very nonchalant about this when your daughter has literal mice in her room and doesn't seem to care. It's great you're getting it sorted but that won't stop the problem from reoccurring. If there's stuff absolutely everywhere then she needs to declutter, noone needs they much stuff, especially when it's just covering the floor

Sort of off topic but she might find the Finch app beneficial OP. She can set tasks/goals and timers to clean her room.

She has come back from school and is absolutely delighted with her room, so there goes the theory that she’ll be forever mentally scarred because I cleaned her room 😂 The guy from rent-to-kill has set up some bait traps, he said the infestation is very minimal and this poison will soon get rid of them. He said it’s very common especially this time of year, he’s been on call outs for this all week. So there goes the theory that we’re all living in a pit and we’re going to die 😂 If I seem nonchalant it’s because I’m not going to get all worked up over it like some of the mothers on here 👀 Thankfully I’m a lot more chill than that 😉 Anyway we now have a clean and lovely bedroom and a very happy teenager, house looking cosy for Christmas so all ends well ☺️

You're asking if you should ignore having vermin in your house?

Am I? Gosh I hadn’t realised that was what I was asking, seeing as that’s not actually written anywhere 😂 ☺️