How to have / build self-esteem, if you are ’nothing’?

[UglyNameChange]

I’ve tried to find help how to boost my self-esteem, self worth, but honestly lot of them were pretty useless to me.

One problem that I run into was, a lot of it seemed so be external stuff or about status.
I.e Be good looking, have a loving partner, have great job, go get your nails done, raising amazing kids to the best of one’s abilities, value friendships, tell yourself how smart you are etc.

Well, I’m none of those things. Or anything else.
And I don’t really know hiw to move forwards.

I want to learn to at least to like myself, but truth is I am depressed, anxiety ridden, lonely person, who really hasn’t done much in life.
I know this sound me just feeling sorry for myself, but how can I build self worth, if it depends on things I don’t have?

Well you are something

Articulate to start with

What else ?

Sometimes it's easy to be dismissive of what we actually do - but as you intimated it's what you do and are rather than externals and luck that should matter

You are something because your human.that it.just from that alone you are worthy.anything else is a bonus. Anything else makes you bettter and better.
wjats made you believe you aren’t?

I have the same problem. Look up ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) and the choice point.

You imagine the person you want to be, confident, brave etc. and every time you have a feeling, something to say or do, you imagine what that person would to.

At the choice point you choose to turn towards the person you want to be and away from the person you don’t want to be.

Seems so simple, but habit is so ingrained, I’m finding it difficult, but I need to persevere.

Your worth has nothing to do with your relationship with a partner, or your job, or whether you've had your nails done. Those things might boost your confidence, but if deep down you feel unworthy, then even if you have the best job, best relationship, and look flawless, you'll just feel like a fraud.

Is it just that you lack confidence? If so, pick something to learn, or a new hobby to try, or set yourself a goal, and go for it. Have some fun with it, and then feel proud at accomplishing something.

If it's that you feel unworthy in some way, I strongly suggest therapy. Then maybe a new hobby!

Imagine you’re your own best friend and your best friend had told you she felt like ‘nothing’, write a list of everything you’d tell her that’s good about herself.

Therapy and a lot of reading.

I think you need to understand where this has come from: your upbringing? Usually that's the source. To re-programme the way you think, you need to know what you are up against. Seek first to understand. It's not easy.

My SIL suffers from anxiety, and chronically low self-esteem. For her, it comes partly from a naturally shy personality, and from having had a domineering, quite harsh, mother. MIL was fine with me, but she brought both her children up to put themselves last in everything. Both DH and SIL struggle to believe that they are important in their own lives.

BTW I totally agree with you about the focus on external things being unhelpful. Happiness, self-worth, it comes from inside. It comes from knowing that you count, that you matter, no matter what your job / nail colour / wealth / partner etc. In fact, all of those things can be lost in an instant, on a single throw of the dice: why base your self-worth on such fleeting, material things? Sort your head out, that stays with you no matter what

Always look for the reason why you feel the way you do. How was your childhood? Were you cherished, loved and supported emotionally by your parents?

Thank you for the ACT recommendation Toomanysleepycats, already look into a bit, I’ll read more.

Few suggestions about childhood. It also could be that, I was pretty much an invisible child - didn’t get support, nevermind compliments. And my mother is one of those never-hapoy-with-anything types.

And like I said, I stuggle because a lot of the times it seems (or is it just in my head?) that you’re ’supposed’ to have certain things and then you are worthy.
And since I don’t, honestly, have much it has been something that makes me a shamed of myself.

Even though I can agree that just being human should be enough, I can’t seem to give that to myself.

And I just want to say thank you for the kind messages. Really.
This has been on my mind for quite sometime, but felt too embarrassed to do or say anything about it.
So, thank you!

You don’t beleive you need all that other stuff.you’ve been programmed to.manipulated by everything in our society to be a certain way.but let’s just look at if there was no media,no filters(instagram or shops selling stuff,life,products.you wouldn’t believe in that list because there wouldn’t be a list!
buuuuut becuas of how you feel about yourself inwardly you do seek that stuff or try to find a reason for your feeling or a “cure”
but your paragraph about your mum is key.the starter at least.and then they side of you that was vulnerable then held on to every other thing that entered your life to prove this lack of self worth.it’s reinforced it.
as a baby you weren’t born believing all this.it’s been taught.it’s been your life that shaped it.
but you can re wire.and when you feel better about yourself all the other stuff doesn’t matter.it’s falls away.it can add to it.it can be a bonus and make it better but it doesn’t form who you are.

And like I said, I stuggle because a lot of the times it seems (or is it just in my head?) that you’re ’supposed’ to have certain things and then you are worthy.
And since I don’t, honestly, have much it has been something that makes me a shamed of myself.

It is in your head. Not having the things you've listed in your OP doesn't make you 'nothing'. Of course you're someone worthwhile.

Could you go to your GP for anti depressants for your depression and anxiety or do you not want to go down the medical route?

OP do you mind if I ask how old you are?

Because I think its quite hard for younger people (and younger women in particular) to have naturally high self-esteem.

The things you've mentioned (be good looking, get your nails done) have jack all to do with self-esteem, this is just pointless status chasing. Not that there's anything wrong this any of this, but this is not what self-esteem is. Women are told so often all the time that they have to have a partner, to look good etc, that they tend to internalise it and it bears repeating this. This is what society wants from you. You may or may want it for yourself. But this has nothing to do with what you want.

In terms of how you tackle this: therapy or counselling are great if you can afford them and I would urge you to if you can.

But I'd also remember that self-esteem comes with age and experience. The older you get, the more you are likely to achieve on your own terms. Do as many things as you can (safely). Say yes to stuff (as long as its safe).Try as far as you can to do the things you want to do, rather than doing things other people want you to do. Be honest (with yourself and others) about what you really want in life and stand up for yourself. Don't be derailed by anxiety about what others think about you. Put blinkers on and ignore this as far as you can. And tell yourself you are valuable, even if you don't (yet) believe it.

Sticking to those things will go a long towards finding self-esteem.

Only the Truth of who you are will set you Free.

Eckhart Tolle

As a child you were invisible and as an adult you are nothing - not surprising you now feel that way. As you say liking yourself is what you need - not nice nails!

Have you had any support with the depression and anxiety - maybe that would be a good place to start, if you haven't then go see your GP and see if you can get setraline or other anti'd's and CBT/DBT.

What would you like to do, what makes you happy, what small steps can you make to start moving you in the right direction? See if you can just start doing a few small things and see where it leads. Also being happy is very much about accepting who you are. Are you horrible to people and unkind to animals? Or are you a generally nice person who is just trying to get by and doing their best? You don't need to save the world, if you're trying to treat the people and world around you as best you can then you're an ok person and that's more than many can say.

Also be aware that your mum never being happy with anything you did may now mean that you never feel happy with anything you do - I suspect she has had a huge impact on how you are now. The problem is if you now never feel that anything you do is enough - then you'll never be happy because nothing will ever be enough. I think you need to think about that a lot as it might be your mindset due to your upbringing that is really bringing you down and keeping you unhappy.

One other thing - you're obviously intelligent and articulate but you say you're depressed, anxious and lonely. Do you struggle socially? Have you always? I know people hate it being suggested on here but I think it's always worth saying - is there a possibility you could be ND?

CBT can be hard work but very helpful for a lot of people. It completely changed my life (eventually!).

Noticing the good things is a habit you can build. It feels fake and stupid at the start, I know. But it forces your attention outwards to positive things. I write three down things I appreciate every day, and it becomes easier to spot them once you get into the swing of it. That rebutts the impression there's nothing good in your life (something I struggled with because I thought I had no intrinsic value.)

They can be big like getting a new job or tiny, like the robin singing at the bus stop on your way to work. THerte are rough days when finding the three things is hard, but I always manage it eventually.

OP there’s some good advice here. I just wanted to add from your few messages on this thread you come across as articulate, motivated to find an answer to your problem, and your thanks to previous posters sounded very genuine…lots of people never give a thank you on here!

Have a look at this article about core beliefs; I think it will make a lot of sense to you - www.betterrelationships.org.au/well-being/core-beliefs-self-acceptance

Have you thought about looking at Stoicism? It's a way of thinking that goes back to 300 BC and the Greeks and Romans but it's still very much a going thing now. It's about working on who you are inside and valuing your inner self.

This site has a lot of easy to access info about it dailystoic.com/

(And you don't have to buy/subscribe to anything on the site, you can ignore any of the adverts. You can just read the articles). Then if you then want to take it further, read the writings of the major stoics. The writings of Marcus Aurelius and Seneca and Epictetus are free on the internet. (Seneca's letters are the most easy reading of those three I think). (Epictetus was a Roman slave, so if you want to look at someone who had nothing, not even personal freedom, and is still read and valued 2000 years later....)

Stoicism is about working on your inner self so that you value yourself and build up your resilience. It really doesn't matter what you have, or how you look, etc.

Derren Brown, the TV mentalist, is a fan of stoicism and his book "Happy" is really very good.