Argument about going out, AIBU?

[Hermit333]

I've just had a row with my OH about the fact we never do anything as a family and he never wants to go anywhere.

There was two things that needed to be done today, some mould dealt with around the bedroom window and a quick trip to the shops to get dinner. DS gets brought home from school by (special needs) bus at 4pm.

I suggested we go down the shops together to get dinner then go for a coffee and a wander around to look for some Christmas decorations.

He suggested I go on my own and he'll stay at home and sort the mould. That's the logical answer he says.

This has been a theme for years. Getting him to go out and do anything is like pulling teeth. He doesn't plan any days out for the kids. We haven't been out for dinner in years.

He works nights, by choice, then wants to spend all of his time indoors bar going to play football on Sunday.

Sure I can go and do things with the kids myself or go out and do something by myself when he's home but that's not the issue, the issue is how I want to do things as a family.

I just feel like what was the point in him having children if he doesn't want to do anything with them?

When he has a couple of nights off and is at home he's seemingly unable to comprehend commiting to anything but 1 activity/chore in a day. IE the cupboard needs fixing, so he can't do anything else that day because he needs to fix the cupboard.

Ditto when DSC come round. If he's due to pick them up at 2pm he can't possibly do anything before 2pm.. because he's getting them at 2pm.

The frustration bubbled over today and I ended up having a bit of a go at him about it. I'm going through some stuff at the minute and waiting for results of a biopsy so have all of that on my mind and just wanted to do something together to take my mind off things. His complete disinterested tipped me over the edge I think.

AIBU?

It's sad that he never wants to go out and do anything with you and the DC. What was his reaction after you had a go at him today?

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Does he explain why he doesn''t want to go out?

Does he seem to have checked out of your relationship?

He gives different excuses (it's a row we've had several times prior)

Those are:

He's tired from work.

We don't have much money - we have more than enough do have days out etc so that one doesn't wash.

Then he'll give excuses like the one about how he's already committed to doing one thing (fixing the cupboard / sorting the mould) so he can't do anything else as he has to do that.

When I've let it all out today he has just been defensive.

I think it's his nature to be honest, a homebody, but he made much more of an effort before kids.

I have wonderful memories of us going to Christmas markets, cycling around the city, museums etc.

Now if I so much as suggest we all do something together it's a massive effort.

If your DC has SEN is it possible DH also does, albeit undiagnosed? Not making excuses but it can have a huge impact on things like social anxiety, executive dysfunction etc (as I'm sure you know if your child is neurodivergent, and I do realise I'm jumping to conclusions about that and that other disabilities exist!).
If that isn't a possibility then it does sound miserable for you, is it à new thing?

My husbands a bit like this except he’ll quite happily go out as much as he wants to do things he enjoys (long walks with a thermos of tea, mostly) and is genuinely happy either way whether any of us go with him.

So he doesn’t get at all why sometimes I’d like him to want come with me to do stuff I enjoy (wander round, get lunch, visit a coffee shop, the cinema) and heaven forbid he organise a family day out the kids might enjoy!

He’s a really lovely bloke but sometimes I do wish I was with someone who actually liked more of the same stuff as me. It always feels like if we have nice plans together it’s because I’ve arranged it and told him we’re doing it.

Oh to be whisked away for a long weekend…

It's definitely possible and I've raised the possibility with him before. He agreed he does have a fair few traits but has no interest in being diagnosed.

This hermit stuff isn't a new thing no, it has been going on for years. Our eldest is 5.

We had DC pretty quickly (18m after getting together we had our first) and until then we were out all of the time doing different things, almost always at my invitation/suggestion but he was alot happier to make the effort then.

It's all just pretty sad isn't it. This health scare had really made me want to make the most of my life as you never know what's around the corner but I don't see him wanting to / changing anything. He'd be perfectly content doing nothing but work, football and sitting indoors.

Feel your pain OP. With the health stuff and the world becoming smaller stuff. I'm afraid I'm a lot like your DP in that I've become way more insular these last few years. Being a SEN parent is just so knackering and the fight for the right support is endless, so I don't blame you at all for wanting to enjoy your down time as a family.
Not sure what the answer is for you, but I hope you get some reassuring news about your health .

I forgot to add, he always uses 'needing to be home at a certain time to cook/eat' as for why we can't go out and do anything.

It'll go like this:

Me "shall we go out somewhere today, maybe grab a bite to eat before DS gets home?"

Him: "but look at the time, it's 11.30am now, if we go out now we'll have to rush back to put the kids tea on at X o clock.."

It's not normal to base one's day around needing to be indoors at say, 4pm, to cook - is it? Besides, 4.5 hours is plenty of time to go out and do something then get home.. but to him it isn't.

I'm sorry you can relate, notforonesecond, it's a bit crap isn't it? I'm glad your DH makes a bit more effort than mine though 🙂

In fairness to your husband, it is a known thing about only being able to plan your day around one thing. I have it, if something is planned at any point in the day, I struggle to plan other items in the day. Don't know why, just isn't natural to me.

It's then really difficult living with someone (like my DH) who would happily plan three or more things in a day. If I had something at 2pm then realised we needed something from the shop at 10am, that could be doable as a one off, I would be so tired by the end of the day, though. But to plan to go into town in the morning then to a show in the afternoon is just too much 😅