To expect some decisions to be made about Christmas

[XmasConfusion]

DH family are so relaxed they're lying down. They often don't decide they're coming over until the night before. DH is terrible at making plans. The whole family are.

We have been together 7 years and every single year we have spent Xmas with my family. DH's family don't drink, live in a flat, and have lots of grandchildren & so we have always gone to my family. But DH I think felt really guilty about it, esp when as we have 3 small kids.

This year we are NOT going to my family (for various reasons but everyone is away or not up for it).

DH still hasn't confirmed if any of his family are actually coming to ours.

We actually have a few friends in the local area who are keen to do a 'friend christmas' this year and I'm keen to host and have our friends & their kids round.

DH says I'm pushing for clarity on his family because actually I just want to spend it with my mates - and that's horribly unfair because his family have never spent it with us and our kids.

I say yes, I would like to spend it with my friends, but if we can't - that's fine - but I need to know if his family are actually coming and if so, how many.

My MIL and FIL are over right now and I tried to bring it up and this is how the conversation went

MIL: "Whatever is easier for you. We would love to see you but whatever you fancy"
DH: "Great, well whatever you want to do is fine for us. Come for a few days, just for boxing day"
MIL: "Great, if you're sure"
DH: "Yes, all good. Whatever is easiest for you"
ME: "Will SIL and her 5 kids, and grandad and etc etc be coming too and what day are we actually talking about"
MIL: "Oh don't know. Not sure of anyone's plan. We will come whatever day is good for you"
DH: "Well, they're welcome if they want. Just do what you want mum"

Then they started talking about something else

I kept asking and just got versions of the same conversation above

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I'd just go ahead and make firm plans with your friends. "Whenever is easiest" can be boxing day since nobody is that bothered.
I could understand if it was Easter and you had been pestering but its December and you need to know what's going on.

They clearly don't want to make a decision. I'd do friends Christmas on the day and have DHs family on Boxing Day. They've made it clear they want someone to make a decision for them.

They're saying whatever's best for you.
So invite them over on the day you want them to come over! Easy!

Yep, nobody wants to make the decision so you make it...and make the one that suits you best. I bloody hate ditherers. Your DH has no come back since he's not making a decision either. Just tell them all how much you're looking forward to seeing them on Boxing Day.

You need to be the organiser. Tell them: we are seeing friends on Christmas Day so please will you come to us for Boxing Day.

Or: We'd really love to spend Christm,as Day itself with you this year so please come to us. On Boxing Day we are seeing friends. So can we agree you'll be at ours by midday for presents before lunch?

Give them a clear invite to come on Boxing Day (as that’s the day that was mentioned) and plan Christmas Day as you want it to be. Or give a clear invite for Christmas Day and plan Boxing Day with friends. None of this “what do you want to do for Christmas” malarkey, make a firm offer and ask for a clear response.

This sounds annoying but I'd take it as a chance to make the decisions and tell everyone what they are. Have your friends round on Christmas Day- sounds lovely. Tell your ILs to come on Boxing Day and to let you know who exactly will be there as soon as they can (maybe plan to cook something that can be easily expanded if they turn up mob handed).

Yes, my preference is friends for christmas day and then all of the family on boxing day - and if they want to keep it vague with numbers for boxing day that's fine - but i just need to tell my friends what is going on

I keep trying to get DH to say this but he's like "Oh well we should see what my mum would prefer" - but she doesn't want to give a view

It's making me feel like i'm going mad.

Just speak to in laws again and say just confirming you are coming to us boxing Day? I need to do a food order.
Then invite your friends for Christmas day

He sounds a bit of a wet lettuce. Your friends need to know what the arrangement is as they'll have their own plans to make. I'd just get on with it, in your shoes.

This is a non issue.

You have been given the control so take it.

I would say to my husband "we are having friends on Christmas Day and your family for Boxing Day."

If you think that will cause a row and don't mind swapping the days about, say "if you want to do it the other way round, you HAVE to inform people by the end of Sunday this week. Otherwise we are doing it my way"

I'd pick the phone up and talk directly with your mother-in-law then inform your DH what's happening. Why can't people just be direct?

But you've already had a conversation with his mum which is in OP.
This should give you the information you need. They're easy, whatever's best for you. So invite them when you want to invite them

Can you point out to your DH that, apart from anything else, you will need clarity on whose coming and when so that meals and food shoppcan be planned.

If he still won't press them for definite plans tell him that is fine do long as he is prepared to take responsibility for all the food and cooking.

This sort of dithering drives me mad too.

Having said that, the impression I got from your conversation example is that they wanted you to express a preference and then they would comply. They might feel pushy if they straight out say "We would like to come on Christmas Day" so they need to be invited then. Your insistence to your DH that the decision comes from them suggests to me that your DH is right and maybe you are trying to use that as an excuse to get the friends Christmas instead.

You need to make a decision then if you want to make plans and no one else is bothered.

You need to put on the group chat 'you're all welcome to come round on xmas day from 2, I'll be serving xmas dinner at 5. Please confirm this weekend if you're coming as I need to order the turkey' or whatever. Or boxing day for a big family get together and sell it as it will be fun to have more of a party if you're not hosting a formal xmas dinner. But just do it, if you wait for them it will be too late.

Just invite them all for a set day as they are being polite and saying what is easier
Just say we want go invite you on xx day for the day or say and one night and I need to know by this date so I can get the food in , thanks

Tell them what the plans are, to suit you.

You mil sounds lovely like she will work around you and its not their fault you haven't spent xmas with them before
You do want xmas day to be friends clearly so make a decision and admit that.
How far away are his parents etc do they need to be able to stay