Sorry this is lots of info and background to save confusion.
Been in mixed race/ religious relationship for many years kids are DD19, DD13, DS 8 months.
His family have been against us the whole time. Properly hateful racist...community is close and racist so gossip and attitude spreads.
His mum wished death on my kids...prayed my now 13 year old would die in hospital( she was prem 1lb 3oz ), partners sister was heartless enough to tell my partner and break his heart what his mum was saying..join in telling him to walk away leave us.
His sister came to neonatal hospital, seemed to gained gossip, went home spread gossip and we never saw her again for years.
All his family members have encouraged him to leave me if ever they saw him.. his sister has suggested he leave me for arranged marriage... just leave the kids, walk away...find better.
8 years ago his sister married her cousin. My partner thought of him as another brother he was so close to him growing up. He was grossed out by it but left them to it..culture but given how close it was creepy even for cousin marriages.
We as a family got no invitation to the wedding, but last min she invited my partner only....by txt. He informed her he wouldn't go without us, as a family.
She wasn't happy but day before said OK. I didn't want to go, kids didn't want to go but we went for about 1 hr afternoon party. She took card and money gift smiled a bit on the day, quick chat "pleased" to see us. After partner got no thanks for gift and he's not heard from her much in 8 years.
Shes asked my partner for birthday cards/ gifts for herself on her birthday and asked him ( only him), to take her to posh restaurants we can't afford to eat at or take her shopping at trafford center etc. He turned it down. On 2 occasions he met her for coffee.
After each interaction there is always drama, tales told about us. His family calling him a cheapskate for not taking her somewhere proper and buying her proper meals as shes gossiped.
For 2 years he work for his family (who different long story, never paid him a penny ripped us off and left us broke as we wernt claiming and spending savings.. sold buisness from under him).
She would walk past him several times a day for 1 year.she never once even popped in to say hello. Got cross he didn't go see her (he was working litrally to death from crack of dawn to 12 at night...no wage, no breaks. He made himself really ill and ended up with problems with veins in his legs).
In all years she never even asked him when was it kids birthdays never sent a card or a txt...sent religious txts at eid that basically are a dig at him.
Almost ever phone call to my partner or meet up he has ended up in tears and in a bad place for weeks after.
This last year after multiple misscariges I gave birth to my DS. Partner didn't tell his family we were expecting . He has very little contact despite all living under 5 min walk away.They only found out when Ds was few months old as partner dropped something off for his older brother.
Immediately that day she contacted him in floods of tears that she was never told Tears all my partners fault they have had no relationship, tears and more tears. Asked the babys name said she wanted to meet him she was grown now wanted to make amends, meet the baby.....more texts a few min later asking for spelling.
Under 30 mins later my partner had his Dad , uncles, brother all ringing us ( first time in years) angry at the babys name... it sounds evil, cant call him that ( tough crap im not changing it). She must of gossiped ( she swears it was for a cake but we told nobody in family his name.
She wanted to meet the baby keeps ringing txting him. They have another big argument on phone where she blames him for their no relationship but he decides we will go see her ..she might of changed.
I wasn't happy about it but another long story we accidetally bumped into her and she persuaded him through tears.
Saw her briefly twice in a month and a half. Now turns out shes 6 months pregnant and wants family around her.
She says she has changed.....but still lots of her blaming my partner/ me, denying all her racism ( she had a white friend once lol) and gossiping about us.
She pushes agenda that all past is past ...just let it go, move on. Alternatively says she was unwell MH or family made her ( they are evil) ....same family thats paying off a house for her as we speak...and shes accepting money, food etc. She also blames being young..she is 38 same age as me..so I can't buy that at all.
She bought my kids a £50 gift or gift card each... to "buy them off" for all birthdays she missed. Its worked on autistics 13 year old who now thinks sun shines. But I can't see past all years of hurt or my partner bouts of depression and night terrors.
We have been alone with no support when my daughter was 4 months in Nicu in a city an hr away, no shoulders, nobody helping us or paying our bills all these years ( no expensive wedding no gold or a free buisness like her husband got...not their fault but shes slagging off the family that gave her all that to us) no help when things have been so tough, no babysitters, nobody to talk to.
Its afffected both our MH badly being shunned, bullied and so much racism and hatred.
My kids 19 and 13 have had no aunty's, cousins nobody around on his side..despite living 5 min away.
My partners got so very upset iv had to encourage him onto meds as he's been so on the edge with all recent drama stiring up past. Iv litrally though he wasnt comming home on a few evenings. Still he won't see the connection.
Twice we have seen her breifly shes witched and gossiping about family that paying her bills, my partner ...even me for not being there for her....then I find shes talking and seeing the same family shes said are evil, and got them taking her for meals.
AIBU for not wanting her in my/ my kids lives. I personally can't take the negatvity she brings, all she does is complain and cry victim.
I can't trust that she has just changed..just because shes saying she has and suddenly wants in their lives and few tears.
I feel like im doing a disservice to my 2 elder kids in keeping them safe to just allow her in our lives now she suddenly decides she wants in.
Then there is all religious nonsense my kids don't need around the. Iv had enough people telling me I'm dirty, cant 'parent right, cook, clean etc because I'm white and wrong religion. I don't want them experience it. We aren't religious we dont need it foisted on any of us.
AIBU to say if my partner wants a relationship with her thats as far as it goes...is it unfair?
I feel kinda gasslit. Shes thrown so much our way, even just other month...but she cries so she's the victim of everyone and my partner falls for every tear...shame I can't cry like that.
Sorry this is long one and I could add so much more. I feel I'm going insane thinking this over and over.