Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Or was this a shitty thing for my DP to say?

24 replies

MediocreAtBest · 01/12/2022 03:38

I'm overweight. Not by much. UK size 12 but I'm short, could probably lose a stone or two in an ideal world. DP is overweight, probably by about 5 stone. I'm actually happy with him at this size as I like a dad bod but totally understand the health implications and would support him if he wanted to lose it, likewise DP says he likes my curvier body and wouldn't change a thing - relevant BG info.

Last year I got down to an ideal weight, I'd lost 5 stone in total and looked and felt the best I ever had and at 27, it had taken a long time for me to be happy with my body after struggles all of my life. I had a shitty start to the year which meant I stopped watching what I was eating and ate convenience food. I've put about 2 stone back on which I intend to lose at the begging of next year and anticipate shouldn't be too hard with my head in a much better place. Tonight I lay with DP discussing holidays we have planned for next year and made a half joke that I need to lose 4 stone (not the realistic 2 I have in mind). He then, sweetly, said no, he loves me how I am, he doesn't want me to lose weight and so on, which I thought was him expressing that he likes me how I am, but he then followed it up with this..

"You can't lose 4 stone because then you'd be super attractive and everyone would want you!"

I literally froze.. because now I'm thinking ok he doesn't actually think I'm attractive because losing 4 stone would make me 'super attractive' and the 'everyone would want you' was a really possessive, jealous thing to say.. it's like he's encouraging me to stay curvier so I'm less desirable to others?! It just made me feel really wank and like I'm not good enough for him, he doesn't actually like my body but is just keeping me as I am so less people look at me?

Not sure if AIBU to be so upset by this or if I'm just being over sensitive but I've come to sleep in my DD room as I dont even want to look at him atm. Need some perspective before I give him the cold shoulder in the morning!

OP posts:

Msgrieves · 01/12/2022 03:43

Yanbu, don't give him the cold shoulder though, tell him that what he said was shit. Then lose weight if you want to, dickhead. He is pushing his insecurity onto you, push it right fucking back, where it belongs.

If he ever makes such a comment again, reverse it, well if you lost 5 stone I'd have to worry about women nabbing you.

WhatHappenedToYoyos · 01/12/2022 03:44

It's definitely an odd thing to say. What did you say to him immediately after he said it?

Could it be that he recognised you looked fabulous last time you lost weight but he has no drive to lose his own? 5 stone extra is very overweight and probably a bit dangerous health-wise. Could he have panicked a bit and made a poorly judged statement when he'd actually worrying you won't want him if you lost lots of weight?

Does he have form for making comments like this to you or other people?

Passthecheeseboard · 01/12/2022 03:46

🤨… Leave the bastard

DuchessDandelion · 01/12/2022 03:46

Uanbu

Original poster

MediocreAtBest · 01/12/2022 03:55

@Msgrieves we were laying in bed at the time and I froze but then, and I don't remember exactly what I said, but I made it very clear that he'd hurt my feelings massively. I will lose the weight, definitely, I'm not big by any stretch but just a little curvier than I should be, whereas he really is overweight but I wouldn't dream of saying anything like this to him because I love him irrespective of what he weighs. I just feel let down.

@WhatHappenedToYoyos as above, I did say something but then got up and have joined DD in bed. She's only 3, has a double bed so we're comfy, but luckily won't think anything of waking up with me here so no chance she'll sense anything's wrong. DP is not DD's dad and she idolises him, he's fantastic with her so I wouldn't want her to worry there was an issue. Perhaps a poorly judged comment, he has lost a good few stone in recent years so is capable of it and recognises how big he used to be. I say he's 5 stone overweight, he probably is but to look at him you wouldn't think anything, he's just short with a belly. He doesn't usually make comments like this but he's very insecure, he thinks he's punching well above his weight with me and we share a hobby (how we met) which is very male orientated and females involved in it tend to draw a lot of male attention in general which doesn't help with him feeling like he's punching.

Just taken aback really

OP posts:

MiddleParking · 01/12/2022 04:47

It’s clumsy, but it’s next to impossible not to say something clumsy to someone who’s making self deprecating jokes about their weight but actually feels really insecure about it. It sounds like he was speaking more to his own insecurities than yours - what five stone overweight man whose girlfriend gets a lot of attention at a male-oriented shared hobby (I assume football) wouldn’t be a bit concerned about getting ditched? Discussing your weight with someone else is rarely a good idea if you’re likely to take offence to an awkward comment. I think it’s a bit unfair/an overreaction to sleep in another room for that.

Witsendwilly · 01/12/2022 04:52

MiddleParking · 01/12/2022 04:47

Completely agree. I doubt he meant anything by it and it’s an awkward conversation to be having with pretty much nothing the other person can say that would be “right”

demotedreally · 01/12/2022 04:55

I wouldnt be bothered by this in my relationship.

MrsMorrisey · 01/12/2022 04:57

Wouldn't bother me. I'd probably make a joke and say " yeah I'm gonna leave you when I'm really thin" He'd laugh, I'd laugh then we'd fall asleep.

Paq · 01/12/2022 05:33

Honestly, I think it was just a clumsy remark. If everything else in your relationship is ok then I'd forget about it.

MistyRock · 01/12/2022 05:39

Paq · 01/12/2022 05:33

Honestly, I think it was just a clumsy remark. If everything else in your relationship is ok then I'd forget about it.

I agree with this, and I'm a pretty sensitive type.

Twiglets1 · 01/12/2022 05:44

I agree it was just clumsy not nasty. Maybe you’re a bit sensitive where weight is concerned but he sounds nice overall so don’t LTB

HungryandIknowit · 01/12/2022 05:47

YANBU to be a bit upset, but imo you shouldn't joke and invite comments on something you're insecure about (just discuss it normally), and it's unkind to sulk and give him the cold shoulder. I agree with others that it sounds like it was more about his insecurities; he probably doesn't have any real idea of what the results of losing 2 or 4 stone would be. Just have an adult conversation with him and let him apologise.

fruktsoda · 01/12/2022 05:48

Depends on how it was said, his sense of humor, etc, but I'd also think it may have been a "joke". It's not even very original.

Of course, it could be that he's insecure and worries that you're more attractive than he is. A grain of truth, in that he lacks self-confidence in his ability to hold your interest if you start attracting more male attention?

deeperthanallroses · 01/12/2022 05:48

In my experience my husband often says stupid things. He really doesn’t mean them, he’s crap at arguing and opens his mouth and shit comes out. It doesn’t at all mean he doesn’t think you’re attractive. it was hurtful, go back and tell him, let him apologise.

OfficerArrestThatRuffian · 01/12/2022 06:25

Paq · 01/12/2022 05:33

Honestly, I think it was just a clumsy remark. If everything else in your relationship is ok then I'd forget about it.

I agree! I'd probably let him know it had hurt my feelings but would accept it if he told me he didn't mean it like that, which I sturdier he didn't as he seems to be generally lovely by your account! I sirens a good portion of my life with my foot in my mouth, though, so tend to have sympathy for others who say silly things without thinking through all the implications too!

OfficerArrestThatRuffian · 01/12/2022 06:26

*suspect, not 'sturdier!

Original poster

MediocreAtBest · 01/12/2022 07:06

Thanks for the perspective everyone. I'm not actually that concerned about my weight, it's always fluctuated and I'm very honest with myself about it but I suppose I did invite the comment and it was probably just clumsy from him. I think it's more the fact it felt like he was trying to keep me curvier so I'd get less attention. My XDH was exactly the same and actually caused me to become overweight to the point I needed to lose 5 stone so maybe it felt a bit like that again.

The hobby isn't football either although good guess!

OP posts:

Original poster

MediocreAtBest · 01/12/2022 07:07

Concerned about my weight anymore* that should read.

OP posts:

Redkettle · 01/12/2022 07:12

I once had an ex who said that he wished I would have some kind of freak accident that would scar my face so that no kne else would find me attractive and I'd have to stay with him. [This was after I'd split with him) I think what your partner said was silly and clumsy like other pps but says a lot more about his insecurities than anything. If he's okay generally let it go. X

Original poster

MediocreAtBest · 01/12/2022 07:14

@Redkettle that's awful. I'm sorry. Generally he's fine, very caring and sweet but he definitely thinks I'm too good for him, he's told me many times and not in a flattering way, in a very serious and almost concerned way, so perhaps it was as harmless as everyone believes and just a reflection of his own insecurities.

OP posts:

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 01/12/2022 09:18

Is it possible part of what you're feeling is because of how your Ex was? I don't think you're unreasonable at all to feel hurt. If he's genuinely a good guy I'd put it down to clumsiness, but I think I'd keep an eye out for any more remarks as this sort of self doubt he has about deserving you could cause it's own issues.

MasterBeth · 01/12/2022 09:35

I think your husband could be trying to express his love for you in a clumsy-ass, confused way. His five stone overweight is significant (more than just a "Dad bod") - I bet he thinks about it a lot, especially when you are lying there discussing weight.

He's already told you he loves your curves. But we know that society puts a huge premium on slimness and weight loss. So his "super attractive" doesn't necessarly mean how he would find you, but how the rest of the world might.

If he's already shared his anxieties that you're too good for him, I would put this comment on that spectrum. I think this less about you and more about him, his anxieties, his concerns.

occupationalhazard123 · 01/12/2022 09:46

Is he generally good at compliments? Some men are just not great at saying the right thing even though the intention is good! My husband can be a clumsy complimenter but he never offends me because I know what he means and how he feels. How does your husband make you feel the rest of the time? It could be just a misjudged way of saying you don't need to lose weight and he thinks you are sexy just the way you are.

Flip