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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask, how explicit should you be about your discontent at relationship with child?

16 replies

notnowB · 01/12/2022 03:20

I have a tricky relationship with my 16 year old daughter. I love her and would do anything for her, but I worry about our relationship.
I am always there for her and she knows she can talk to me about anything. I try to be patient, present, kind. But I get nothing back.
It's not a loud indifference she displays, with slamming doors and 'I hate yous'. It's more like a quiet, simmering dislike. She literally cannot bear to be in the same room as me.
I've tried talking to her about it and get nowhere. I've pointed out that I'm struggling a bit with our relationship, that I'm doing my best (single mum) and that I have feelings too. Nothing. If she were ever to come up and give me a hug, I think I'd die of shock
I can't work out if my expectations are too high or too low. But boy, I find her hard work.
Should I suggest counselling for us, or is this part and parcel of life with a teen? I don't ever remember it being like this with her older sister.
I hate to say it, but her behaviour at times can be really bratty. I came in from work this evening - dog tired - and set about making dinner. Pasta, garlic bread and salad. When I took her a plateful, she said 'I'm not eating that. I told you, I'm sick of dinners like that'.
I honestly feel done with it all.
Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

Original poster

notnowB · 01/12/2022 03:24

I feel like I should be honest with her about my feelings, and have asked her to be the same. But I can't help but think that by being open, I'm damaging our relationship further. It's so hard to get the balance right sometimes. But she's not a little kid anymore, and should surely be made aware of her impact on others. Or am I wrong?

OP posts:

Sindonym · 01/12/2022 03:27

It’s normal for a teen. She needs to separate from you (that’s what teen years are about). My ds3 was quiet, simmering & surly at home for an extended number of months/about a year. (Ds2 was shoutier). He was very polite outside the home, so I didn’t worry too much. I took to answering in a really nicey nicey tone (sort of head on one side style nice - ‘that’s nice darling’) type thing. He soon got through it and frequently appears for a chat these days (18).

TinfoilTwat · 01/12/2022 03:29

That sounds really hard.
The comment about the meal was unbelievably rude.

It sounds as though she is very unhappy with you about something ("quiet, simmering dislike") and I'm sure she knows exactly why she's unhappy but doesn't feel able to tell you so you can both sort it out. Have you asked her in a supportive and non-judgmental way if she would like to talk to someone?

Original poster

notnowB · 01/12/2022 03:29

Oh, thank you!
I'm probably guilty of taking it all too personally.

OP posts:

Original poster

notnowB · 01/12/2022 03:31

TinfoilTwat · 01/12/2022 03:29

That's the thing though, I'm really not sure she knows what it is or can verbalise it. It's more of a general dissatisfaction.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/12/2022 03:33

The simmering resentment is completely normal.

But you don't have to put up with rudeness. "I'm not eating that. I told you, I'm sick of dinners like that." Should get "great, you can cook for yourself. Let me know what you need for groceries and you will need to clear up after yourself" and a charming smile. No engaging, disengaging. Think of it as skills acquisition.

Sindonym · 01/12/2022 03:34

So in response to her comment I would have said ‘ okay darling, I’ll throw it away & you can help yourself to wherever you want later’. The tone would show it was unacceptable (I wouldn’t usually talk like that!) but gives nothing to fight against. I assume she is seeking a reaction with her rudeness. You don’t have to give one - you have a choice there.,I found that doing that was far more likely to elicit a spontaneous apology from the kids than getting cross. It highlighted they were out of order but in a non-combative way. Anyway can’t remember the last time I have had to do it.

The above is assuming she is being polite & relatively well behaved away from you. If rude elsewhere it’s more of a problem.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/12/2022 03:36

BTW the rule in my house is that I will never force mood, but I do enforce behaviour. My DM wanted me to me smiling and grateful while doing chores like bloody Snow White. DD doesn't have to be happy, she does have to do chores. Weirdly as a result, she is happy.

Original poster

notnowB · 01/12/2022 03:38

Definitely polite and well-behaved elsewhere.

OP posts:

BruceAndNosh · 01/12/2022 03:45

What's she like with her older sister?

NopeNotHere · 01/12/2022 03:47

I hear lots about it being normal for a teen. I’m a single mum too and I’ve had this and it’s hard work keeping communication open through this simmering bit. I do talk about how it feels to be treated by my teens. It’s about setting a boundary, and looking after my own well-being just as much as I do theirs. Mine know if they spoke to me like yours did after I’d cooked dinner, or if they fail to do the washing up, I’d go on strike and stop cooking (… because I have!)9. They also know that I love them fiercely, am proud of them and will always have their back and that there will be ingredients in the fridge.

mindwanderer · 01/12/2022 03:48

Ok to be cranky but rudeness is a no no. I won't condone it.

starrynight21 · 01/12/2022 03:50

I feel like I should be honest with her about my feelings, and have asked her to be the same. But I can't help but think that by being open, I'm damaging our relationship further

Personally I'd back off from all the discussions about your feelings. Her behaviour is pretty normal for that age - mine didn't speak to me for months on end. I'd keep it matter-of-fact, and if she speaks rudely about food, etc, just say firmly , OK you're welcome to cook for yourself. Talking about how hurtful it all is, won't get you anywhere and may make it worse. My DD finally "came around" at about 18 when she got her first job and got some real-world experience. Yours will too, I'm sure.

Sindonym · 01/12/2022 03:56

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/12/2022 03:36

I like this - realised I am the same but never thought if it like that.

lifeinthehills · 01/12/2022 05:25

Whatever the issue, that rudeness and lack of gratitude about the meal you had cooked is unacceptable. I'd have just said, "OK, then you can get yourself whatever you feel like." I'd have eaten my dinner, put hers aside for me to reheat tomorrow (night off cooking, yay) and she can take care of herself for those two nights.

Twotinydictators · 01/12/2022 05:46

Untangled is a really useful book for understanding teenage girls, I recommend it. She'll come out the other side one day, try and focus on that and take the emotion out of the situation. The more you push, the more she'll pull away, and she doesn't even know why. She does love you, she's just struggling with growing up right now 💐

Obviously the dinner comment was rude, maybe she would like to be in control of her own food more? Could you give her more responsibility for making meals for both of you? Might be a win-win!

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