To think my friend should have kept her word on plans?

[janeseymour78]

I'm in a hobby group with 9 other people. One of these people offered to have us round for a gathering but has been chopping and changing dates for a while. She finally told us it would be this weekend.

So I followed up to ask if this was still the case, she says 'yes definitely this week' and I responded great, I wanted to know so I could get back to other friends about some Christmas drinks but I'd keep that day free. All good, I did that and made my other plans.

A day or 2 later in the group chat a mutual friend asks to postpone by a week so they could attend and the friend replied 'that should be ok, i'm flexible' and has essentially said it will be in a weeks time now which I and another person can't make!

YABU - the friend was right to throw it out there to the group/can't please everyone
YANBU - she should have kept her word

Ah, she doesn’t know how to be assertive. Organising group things can be a nightmare: everyone wanting something different and messing you around last minute. Some of us can set a firm course and refuse to deviate but a lot of people bob about wherever the current wind direction takes them.

@HeddaGarbled passiveness and people pleasing drives me nuts.

The thing is she knows I went ahead and made plans on that basis so surely that's more rude? I definitely wouldn't do that knowing a friend had reached out first/I had given my word to them first.

It just sounds like no one in this hobby group really wants to meet up. That’s why no one’s properly committed to going

message your friends and tell them you’re joining them for drinks

for future hobby meet ups, don’t clear your diary.

@GLADragss I'm not sure that's it exactly as the host messed us about with dates.

One mutual stepped in (a quite selfish person btw) to say 'can we make it next week so I can make it?'. I don't think the plan should be altered for one person.

So now Ive made drinks with my friends on Sun rather than Sat night (Sat was cleared for them). I guess it's a lesson learned - I've known the group less time and obviously are ok with being flaky.

'Oh bugger, sods law, I have committed to something else on NewDate so I can't make it then. I hope you have a good time. If anyone is still free on OldDate do you fancy getting together then too? Would be lovely to see people '

Just reply to the chat “I can do 3rd but not 10th” and see what happens

This.

Get together with the one or two people who are actually committed to meeting up, and then put a message out in the group saying, "me Jane and Sarah and are all having drinks in XYZ on Friday. Anyone who wants to join is welcome."

The most committed people get to set the date, time and place. Other people can then choose to tag along if they like.

This is what should have happened.

Obviously she was a bit slow but the friend who is going to host us is having it at her house. The flake who asked for the plan to be moved just dips in and out as she fancies.

I don't think I should have been shafted as the keen person who reached out first. Tbh it has made me a bit 🤔at the host for being easily swayed. Never mind!! I just need to keep plans with the friends who are reliable.