AIBU to want a separate parent teacher appointment from ex?

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Ex was abusive and was removed by police when we split, we had no direct contact for years, then email only contact and very recently we have had phone contact.

He is very difficult to communicate with, and I still try to keep most comms written, because he tends to shout over me, talk incessantly and be rude and aggressive on the phone. He talks a lot and at great length, does not tend to stick to the point and generally makes things all about him.

I have booked parent consultations as usual for the dc - previous years there has been no question of sharing the appointments, he has had to make his own arrangements.

But it seems the school have this year sent the links for the consultations I've booked to both him and me. Presumably because they are aware that we speak now, because we have social work involvement due to disabled ds, and we have both virtually attended meetings with school and social worker.

I really don't want to have to share the 10mins we get to speak about each child because I have no confidence that he won't waste all the time talking instead of listening to the teachers, it is unlikely I will be able to say what I need to say, I won't feel comfortable, the children are likely to be distressed by him being on the call (they usually attend with me), and logistically it's unlikely he will even manage to connect at the right time because he is periodically 15mins plus late to any social work meetings for whatever reason.

AIBU to say to school I'm not happy to share the meeting with him and they need to speak to him separately?

YABU, imagine of every pre t did this, the teachers would have to do double the amount of consultations.
it sounds like he won’t show anyway…

YANBU, but if he's usually so late I wouldn't worry about it. He won't be able to get in at the wrong time with most parents' evening software, so it is unlikely to matter.

I understand how difficult it just be for you. However, i teach 100 students in a year group and only have 36 appointment slots. It’s clearly not possible to all my students once, let alone twice with separate parents.

Not unreasonable to want it, totally unreasonable to expect it. Teachers can't be expected to do it twice to suit you

YANBU but the school is also NBU as there are often not enough appointments to offer this.

Imagine if every child had an abusive parent whose presence distresses them.... oh right, that doesn't happen so your comment is ridiculous.

I’d stick With what you have and if he turns up and causes problems drop off and ask for an additional one later. Particularly if they are primary age I doubt it would be a problem.

I'm a secondary school teacher. I've definitely done separate appointments with parents before (though not regularly), and it was my understanding that those parents had actually had an amicable split! Just contact the school and ask, the worst that they can say is no. You can then choose to attend and hope he doesn't, or to decline and ask for feedback on another occasion. I'm not a big fan of "X's parent couldn't attend, please provide written feedback", but that's because it's often parents who I suspect CBA. However, in your case I'd gladly find the time to speak or write to you.

It really doesn't matter what people on here say btw, you're not doing anything wrong by asking. Good luck, I hope it works out!

It is primary, they have never expected us to share appointments before and older ds is in y6.

I do understand that it makes more work for the teachers. Tbh it's mostly that it'll upset the dcs that worries me.

You could ask if one parent could listen in on teams then you aren't in the same room but still present

It's virtual - not a physical meeting.

Just ask-I work at a primary school and we would always do this. It's a tiny number and understandable that in those circumstances you don't want a joint appointment...

We're used to that needing to happen. It's vaguely inconvenient for the person who has to set up a second link, but it still only takes a short time to do.

A straight but polite 'Due to the history of domestic abuse, of which the DSL is well aware, I'll need a separate link and appointments to my child's father, thanks' should due the trick. And if it doesn't 'Could I speak to the DSL, please?' will mean it gets sorted after a 'Could I have separate appointments to my ex, please?' conversation.

Thanks - I will ask. The appts are tomorrow evening and ex just text me saying he had a link to 'our' appt this evening so it's last minute panic and extra inconvenience/upset all round.

YANBU ask if they can rearrange his appointments or send him a link to book his own. it's not that unusual for parents to have separate parents evening appointments.

Ignore those that say you shouldn’t

Of coarse you should ! No harm in asking and most teachers are accommodating.

YNBU. From the teachers’ points of view I am sure they would much prefer to give an extra 10 minutes of their time than have to negotiate a potentially difficult joint appointment.

Yes, it’s a bit of an ask for them to give up the time but it seems like the most suitable way forward in the circumstances you’ve described.

I have this a lot and actually it's really annoying. I get it when it's a physical appointment, but when it's online, I do wonder why parents can't just cope for 10 minutes on the same computer screen. I had to do THREE double meetings at a parents' evening last week due to separated parents not wanting to share an appointment. That meant an extra half an hour of meetings. Because of the way the time slots were arranged, it meant that I was an extra 50 minutes later to finish than I would otherwise have been, and didn't finish parents' evening until almost 9pm, having started my working day at 8am. That's a horribly long day, made longer than it needed to be by parents requesting extra time.

I do see that your circumstance more extreme than most, but if your children would be 'distressed' by the mere sight of him on a computer screen, is he even in their lives at all - and should he even be attending parents' evening? Or, if you're that worried about your kids seeing him on a screen, could they not be a part of the meeting? It sounds like a really peculiar situation!

I would ask, it seems reasonable and sensible, and would be a bit unimpressed by primary teachers who would not oblige in your circumstances.

He sounds like my ex. I've always had separate appointments for my dc in primary. Yanbu to speak to the school about it.

Completely reasonable request where the ex is abusive.