I think my parents are getting more bitchy as they get older..

[TroubledRabbit]

I'll try not to drop feed. Speak to my mum every week, offer help practically - always refused. It's a bit frosty, my younger brother is the favourite to the point I am known as number 1daughter, my dad actually starts to say number 2 then 'amusingly' corrects.

DD (17) excitedly rang my mum (73) to talk about a University offer.

My mum, who didn't get the chance to go to uni, talked about how she'd dropped me off and then cried all the way home whilst I showed no emotion.

How it used to cost them a fortune visiting buying crates of beer and taking all my friends out for meals.

How her much loved brother had met his wife at Uni.

I remember my dad making a big fuss of leaving 12 cans of tartan bitter (which he was thanked for) but no group meals or even plus ones.

I can imagine an awkward, holding it together hug, when they left and I did phone or write (it was the 90s)

But the weirdest thing was when DD said her dad & I met at Uni and my mum said 'no, I think they met at a sports club'.
It was a Uni sports club and we were mates for a year before finally getting together around our finals.

Would you feel hurt if your parents did this? It's petty little details but I think my parents are getting more bitchy as they get older.

I can’t really see the big issue here. You sound incredibly sensitive

Op mine have a different memory of the past and I’m low contact. I have been told I’m not in the will because of all the money they gave me when studying which isn’t true, I had jobs and loans throughout university. And at the same time they paid for driving lessons and a car for my brother whereas I couldn’t afford them til I was in my 30s. Sometimes you need to distance yourself (I mean emotionally) although physically if possible, you know the truth. I would be very bitter if I thought about my parents too much.

But it was a sports club you met at? Uts a tad pedantic to be annoyed they haven't remembered it was specifically a uni one!

I think it’s both here, you are being sensitive and your parents are a bit cranky and mean. It can happen when you get older. My DM is like that, always correcting my recollection. I let it go.

I always feel slightly sorry for older people who behave like this. Their friends and families tend to keep them at a bit of a distance when those who are more positive and upbeat are cherished and included in everything. It’s a lesson for us all.

try to be less sensitive though - they aren’t changing now

Mind have become very self-centred as they get older - if you talk about something they can't relate to, they will ignore you or talk over you. A fair bit of re-writing history goes on too

It sounds like your relationship with them is generally difficult, and it sounds like you don't feel important to them. That really hurts

I also have a parent with a selective memory and their version of memories always have me incorrect or in a negative light and then as parent of the year. I am also the eldest and the younger two can do no wrong. It started to become full blown gaslighting recently so I have started to reduce contact. I understand the examples you’ve written may be trivial but when it’s part of a bigger picture it’s so grating. I’d stop the offer of help straight away.

@stealthninjamum funnily enough mine also go on about how much money they sent me throughout university and how that justifies the lavish gifts they give my siblings who didn’t go to Uni. It was about £200 across the 3 years.

I did find that parents had a completely different recollection of the past to me, and it got worse as they got older. But they do say that there are three sides to every story - each person's side and the truth. Just nod and smile if you don't agree with them.

My parents wouldn't have had a clue where I met my DH so I think you are being sensitive there.

'Recollections may differ'

There are plenty of things my Mum & I have different memories of, some she'll be closer to the truth, some I will. I wouldn't waste much time worrying about it OP.

She doesn't sound sensitive to me.

Parents dismissing her realities?

Downgrading her place in the family via 'hilarious jest'?

Sounds pretty wearing (sp?), at best.

OP you can read to much into this type of thing. If you can stay healthy and maintain a half decent relationship with your ageing parents (and you seem to be just irritated by them rather than shattered by them) then do so. The alternative is quite drastic and the normalisation of cutting people out is not as easy as it might look

If those are the worse things you face, you’re very fortunate.

Mine have very different recollections too OP, I tend to leave them to it.

It’s very sad that your parents are like this, and they risk souring relationships all round. I suspect a lot has to do with getting to the point in life where all your ‘roads not taken’ start sending you ‘wish you were here?’ messages and taunting you with what might have been. The bitterness could well be part of the process of evaluating their lives. You could try offering empathy with the feeling state whilst not agreeing with the version of events - ‘that must have been hard for you’ etc. However, it is not your problem to fix and feeling your memories are being re-written for you is upsetting. What else could you have done with your own life than take the chance to go to university or otherwise have a few adventures?

Recollections different massively in my family too. They Don't talk to me because I insist that I value my own interpretation of events more than theirs. They insist their version is reality but their version is about protecting their egos, their version of events has to reflect back their rosy view of themselves.

Same, is it really a huge issue they remembered you met your husband at a sports club, not specifically a uni sports club?

I think you’re looking for reasons to be offended OP, and why were you listening in to your DD’s conversation with your mum anyway?

🙄

My Mum has got increasingly bitter as she has got older and spending any time with her now is a chore more than anything else.
However, from the example you give I don’t see any issue with yours.

I think our traits and characteristics get stronger as we age - just from the people I know (i'm nearly 70) - the fun ones are more fun, the chatty ones never stop and the grumpy ones are grumpier.

Do they have a busy active life?

I would have a discussion with DD to say that they remember things wrongly and are very negative in their old age. You don't want her seeing you constantly being compared badly and put down and thinking you deserve that for some reason from the past. It's them that are irritating.

Perhaps just step back and let them rabbit don't feed them stuff they can spoil for you.

I can't see she said anything too different from what you said happened really. It sounds like something and nothing to me.

so you remember things differently. You are dismissing your mum's experiences of these events.

And quibbling over "sports club" and "uni sports club"? really? You give the impression that you look down on your mum for not going to uni.

I get the uni thing - she is peeved she didn't go, but it's ok for golden balls to go and he met his wife there, but of course no 2 DD doesn't get acknowledged. And she seems to be behaving the same with your DD. And I assume this isn't the only thing or you wouldn't have started a thread.

Did your mum at least allow your daughter to talk about her university offer before she started ‘reminiscing’? I find telling mine just about anything sets off a massive flow of memories that she must tell so your news gets lost and you never get to the end of what you’re trying to say. I’ve started just not telling her stuff or only doing so when I can cope with the irritation. I do feel like she doesn’t entirely know me and remembers things wrong and yes, that put her in a good light. My sister is also the favourite.

in answer to your question, yes I would have been hurt. I regularly am, but I know she isn’t the worst by any means and she means well mostly. She’s lonely with my dad gone and she needs to talk more than listen these days.

I think people are seeing this in the context of 'normal' loving parental relationship. Sure, if this was the only thing that had happened in your relationship with your parents you would be over reacting but I guess it must be within a long history of similar dismissive behaviour that makes you feel unimportant and unseen. For that YANBU but I don't know what the answer is. My parents have a way of remembering themselves behaving much better than they did, too.

@Flapjackquack I had gaslighting too. It’s just so odd, in many ways I had a great childhood (they were well off and in the 70s I had the freedom to just cycle to friends etc) but my parents were distant and largely ignored me and seemed to focus on my brother. They deny it and say we were treated equally even though he never got smacked (I did) and definitely was the favoured son. Now I just think it makes me a better, more thoughtful parent than if they hadn’t been like that. I don’t dwell on it in daily life but occasionally mention it on Mumsnet.

I’m 50 and honestly someone I just don’t remember things clearly. My friends from my teenage years & I often have totally different recollections!!