to feel hurt my sister never wants to do Christmas

[staryellow]

I probably am.

About three years ago, I moved with dh and our two dc to live in the town I grew up in. My sister lives with her family a 15 min drive away. Our kids are close and see each other a fair bit, sleepovers about once a month kind of thing. My sister and I are close, I would say. Her husband is also from around here and they have a lot of his family living near them, they're very close and seem to take turns with his siblings for doing Christmas dinner. I've never once asked them here for Christmas because I'm pretty certain it would be just awkward for her. They've never invited us. Once they did for coffee Christmas morning and I'm sure I didn't imagine the tension - they were squeezing us in, it felt like, and were stressed as a result. It was awful!

I think I'm feeling a bit raw this year because over the past year, both dh's parents passed away and my/my sister's parents sadly died years ago. So we're very billy no mates at Christmas and i worry it will feel crap for the kids with just us again.

Anyway, I suppose I'm doubting myself. I sometimes feel hurt and angry she's never even talked about it with me, but on the other hand she's her own thing going and of course doesn't owe me anything. Writing this, I think it's the fact she doesn't bring it up at all that gets me.

Please be nice, I've health worries going on at the mo so am probably super sensitive to everything 😬

thanks

But if I do sound unreasonable tell me please

Is your dh an only child?

Writing this, I think it's the fact she doesn't bring it up at all that gets me.

But she might be thinking exactly the same?

I don’t think you sound unreasonable at all. I would mention it to your sister. She’s immediate family. Don’t let it eat away at you. If you bring it up and tell her how you feel it’ll give her a chance to empathise and understand you. The longer these things are left the more distance is created and that would be sad since you otherwise seem to get on really well

She could be thinking the same thing about you not mentioning it to her, so why not just say something along the lines that you know she's busy with her in laws, but if she ever fancies a change, you'd love to get together on Christmas.

FWIW, I know it's sad that your in laws have passed away & im sorry for your loss, but you can still have a lovely Christmas Day with your own family. We only ever have our own nuclear family for Christmas and have a great time, despite having parents around (albeit quite far away). This is because I remember Christmas days when I was little where we had to traipse around family & I hated it, so always swore that when I grew up, I would go nowhere in Christmas Day!

Even without plans together on Christmas day could you get the cousins together for a Christmas visit somewhere/santa or an illuminated walk. Whatever fits their ages and your budget.

Perhaps you could invite her kids over Christmas eve or invite the family on boxing day.

You are taking quite a narrow view of Christmas. Your children can share the excitement with theirs over the wider period.

I don't think you should say anything and let it go. She might feel obligated to do Xmas with her in laws and doesn't feel such pressure with you. Do other Christmas's things together

Do all the adults get on as well as the children that have the sleepovers?

Why are you putting the onus on your sister to invite you? It’s a bit unfair if you blame her when you’ve said you’ve never raised it with her, stop being a martyr and speak to her!

thanks everyone,it's helpful to see it all from the outside. @XanaduKira that's a a really nice perspective, I'll try to see it that way. I know it probably does seem off to have a bit of an issue when I've never even asked them here, but that's only because I know it would be awkward for her. It's just a bit of a white elephant at this stage

But you've never invited her either! You're expecting something from her that you're not doing yourself!

FFS, next time you're together, suggest that next Christmas she and her family come to you.