Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Cruel comments by a friend that turned out to be not a friend

17 replies

Bluebonnet100 · 29/11/2022 15:24

Last December my husband (m73) and I (f69) were on a cruise with someone (f63) we thought was a friend. On Christmas Eve we found out our son (m47), “Mike”, had Covid. If he had a “normal” blood system it wouldn’t be a big deal because Omicron was the dominant variant at the time and he had had 2 shots and a booster. However, he has had a blood disorder since he was 18 months old. This has resulted in many hospitalizations over the years, and he continues to receive treatments every two weeks to keep him from bleeding out from something as minor as a cut or dying from an infection like the flu. Our “friend” knows Mike’s health history and because she works in the medical field understands how a simple injury or infection can become a full-blown emergency within a short period of time.

Right after we found out about Mike, I couldn’t believe it when she said, “Well, you know if he dies he will be in a better place.” Really? Who would say that to another person about their child? I don’t care if the child is 7 or 47, they are still your child. However, I ignored her comment choosing to believe she didn’t think how it came across. And, before anyone responds with she must be religious, nope not one bit.

The next day, she started comparing our son’s situation with her adult sons’ choice of profession. Both of her boys are fire fighters. Extremely admirable that anyone chooses to have a profession that places them in peril on a regular basis. The difference between her sons and our son, is they made that choice as adults. Our son was a baby. Again - clueless and no empathy.

The third day was the topper. We were sitting at breakfast when out of no where she says, “I think we should do away with masks and vaccinations. Whatever happens, happens.” That’s fine, it’s her opinion. But, good grief, she knows we are worried about our son (many texts between us and our daughter-in-law over the previous two days), why would she make a callous comment like that? That was enough. I got up from the table and left.

Four more days of the cruise and I was polite but, did not go out of the way to start conversations or engage in any way. She had plenty of time to ask what happened, but never a word. I am extremely non-confrontational, so I never brought it up.

Two weeks ago Hubby and I were on another cruise and, of course, she would have to be there. One night she walked by and said, “Hi, guys.” I had had two drinks at that point (less reticent about letting my feelings be known) and replied, “Until you apologize for the horrible things you said last December, do not speak to us.” My husband was surprised I said anything, but backed me up.

AIBU to cut off contact with this person and feel that she owes us an apology for what she said last year?

OP posts:
Lemonlady22 · 29/11/2022 15:27

Even if she apologised I wouldn’t speak to ever again tbh

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 29/11/2022 15:30

I wouldn't speak to her again, apology or not.

NoDairyNoProblem · 29/11/2022 15:30

She’s not your friend, just ignore her

Lunificent · 29/11/2022 15:31

How did she react when you said that?

TomTraubertsBlues · 29/11/2022 15:32

When she compared your son to hers, what did she actually say? Was it along the lines of "I understand how hard it is to worry about your child's safety because etc. etc....". Could she have been trying to empathise?

Bluebonnet100 · 29/11/2022 15:33

She kept walking.

OP posts:
Bluebonnet100 · 29/11/2022 15:35

Her comment started with, “Well, you know my sons put their lives in danger every day. It’s no different from Mike’s disorder.” Again, not the same at all. Never once did she indicate she understood how worried we were.

OP posts:
808Kate1 · 29/11/2022 15:36

Well, you know if he dies he will be in a better place.

Everything you said after that line is irrelevant really - that statement alone is enough to end the friendship. Absolutely vile.

Dailymash · 29/11/2022 15:39

She sounds awful! Zero emotional intelligence. Very little actual intelligence by the sound of it. You do right to cut her out of your life.

Petran · 29/11/2022 15:40

“Well, you know if he dies he will be in a better place.”

Everything you said after that line is irrelevant really - that statement alone is enough to end the friendship. Absolutely vile.

This, definitely this. You do not need to elaborate or justify yourself, anyone who says this to another person does not deserve your attention, period.

Theunamedcat · 29/11/2022 15:41

Is she one of those people who pride themselves on telling people how it is and being "honest" like having zero empathy is a badge of honor?

Either way fuck her she brings zero value to your life

MRSDoos · 29/11/2022 15:45

I’m sorry OP. She sounds awful

ValK · 29/11/2022 15:46

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

YouOKHun · 29/11/2022 16:08

Minimisation - this is the most hurtful thing you can do to someone who is very worried about a loved one or grieving. It hurts even if the intention was not to hurt someone’s feelings. The ultimate minimisation is to ignore someone’s worrying event/tragedy/bereavement altogether. Sentences that start with “at least” are never going to go well. At least he was old/a he’s in a better place/at least you didn’t suffer as much as me.

We are all capable of saying the wrong thing and we have to make allowances for the well meaning but upsetting remark but sometimes someone minimises and dismisses someone else’s feelings so much that it’s an indication they aren’t much of a friend. She sounds like she has to bring everything back to her. I’m glad you said something but I doubt she’ll apologise.

I had a similar situation when my dad died; someone I thought of as a good friend, who knew my dad and who I saw every week suddenly avoided all contact during his illness and when he died a few months later she never acknowledged his death (not even a quick text) and when I bumped into her a few months after my dad died she said, very casually, “oh yeah, I heard. You must be relieved it’s all over. At least he was in his eighties”. I never want to catch sight of her again.

momonpurpose · 29/11/2022 16:13

808kate1 is 100% right.

JenniferBarkley · 29/11/2022 16:15

There is not one single scenario where it is acceptable to say to a parent that their child would be better off if they died. Even if they are in terrible pain, terminally ill, you still don't get to voice that thought.

You are entirely justified to never speak to her again.

MargotChateau · 29/11/2022 17:08

What a witch, I'd drop her forever. I had a friend like this I dropped for a not dissimilar reason.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread