To say I’m a miserable bitch and I know it

[Cannotbearsed321]

I’ll start by saying I’m self aware . I know full well my life is fucking epically fantastic compared to other peoples struggles and I’m a self absorbed lazy cunt but I just feel so empty.
i literally cannot be arsed with anything anymore, I have a half renovated home I fought tooth and nail for and it’s really lovely and has huge potential, I was making excellent progress doing it up and now I’ve abandoned it all , bare floorboards and half tiled walls… I just haven’t touched it in months. Given up completely on relationship with DP, we rarely speak and it’s all just polite , meaningless small talk once a day then he goes to his room I go to mine. DS - at childminders from 8-6 all week either side of school even though I’m at home- it’s just she enjoys him and he has his friend there whereas his mess and chatter just drains me.
can afford hairdressers , new clothes, beauty treatments etc etc haven’t even been to hairdressers for over 3 years. Haven’t been for a night out since DS was born - don’t see the point. I never had any meaningful friendships , I just had people that were fun to party with , obviously I ghosted them all when I got pregnant. I’ve no idea how to be friends with proper grownups .
have what’s considered by many as an exciting and interesting career- busted my arse to get there … can’t be arsed to work most of the time , don’t even respond to emails often.
get the odd invite to go and see relatives for special occasions , never ever go.
in fact 9/10 days I don’t leave the house or do anything at all.
I’ve just felt like since having DS that my life is pointless , I feel like I thrived on adventure , moving around , travel , risk etc and I’m like a little fat hamster sat in a cage now. I’m late thirties and bored and ready to die of loneliness now. Already take antidepressants and sleep tablets, tried about 8 kinds. No effect whatsoever. All I dream about is getting away.
summers better because I’m obsessed with my garden but right now I just sit and stare at the wall in sadness.

Sounds like perhaps you need to focus on relationship building - with your DH, your DS, your wider family perhaps, and making friends.

Why not get some counselling support to help with this?

Motherhood and WFH can be isolating OP, don't blame yourself for how you feel.

What's your AIBU?

Counselling? Whatever medication you are taking needs to be reviewed. It sounds like you are stuck in a rut, it’s difficult.

I feel a bit like you, I used to travel and now I can’t- have DH who works away a lot, DD and an elderly often sick DM and a dog who is on his last legs. I feel a bit trapped and sad, but I suppose a bit different as I’m sad because I know I’m going to lose things I love soon.

Could you get away for a few days?

Oh @SleeplessInEngland people post AIBU because the posts get fast and often helpful replies. Some dickish replies too, but I think you’ve covered it. Cheers.

One of THE most annoying things a poster can say, along with "and what did they say when you spoke to them".

You need to get mental health support OP. Life doesn't have to be like this.

May I ask, are you on any oral contraceptive tablets?

I was- and honestly, it made me feel exactly the same as you. As soon as I stopped taking them, my life started back up again.

I’m so sorry
You could have post natal depression
Specialised support can really help

Some one who knows more about it will hopefully come on and advice

www.apni.org/

When DD was this little, DH and I used to take turns to get away for solo city breaks. It's 20 years later and I still go on solo breaks.

You can still have adventure and travel in your life with kids. I travelled a lot with them when little, but I also made DH step up when I wanted to get away on my own and then repaid the favour. Can't you go to Europe for a city break, with all the money you have saved sitting at home for 3 years?

This organisation can help
www.apni.org/
No one wants to feel like this

Symptoms - Postnatal depression

Common symptoms of postnatal depression

The main symptoms include:

feeling sad, low in mood or tearful much of the time
feeling agitated or irritable towards your partner, baby or other children
loss of interest in the world around you and no longer enjoying things that used to give you pleasure (like you "cannot be bothered")
lack of energy and feeling tired all the time
trouble sleeping at night – you may be awake even when your baby is sleeping
feeling very sleepy during the day
problems concentrating and making decisions
loss of appetite or overeating (comfort eating)
negative thoughts such as feeling you are not a good enough mother, you are unable to look after your baby or your baby does not love you
feelings of guilt, hopelessness and self-blame
feeling anxious that something bad may happen to your baby
problems bonding with your baby, no sense of enjoyment in being with them

From the NHS

Bumping for you
So someone who knows a bit more can come on advise

I’m a self absorbed lazy cunt

No, OP. You're not well. If your current medication isn't working go back to the GP and ask to be referred for therapy. There will be a wait, but at least you'll have taken the first step.

I could have written this.

I could of written this too 😢

I feel the same. On antidepressants too, not convinced they help, they maybe make the pointless feeling less acute. I've also had therapy and it didn't make a jot of difference.

I dont think I have PND, im coming to the realisation that many aspects of my life just don't suit me.