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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this school mum is being a bit crap

23 replies

MumlifeSumlife · 29/11/2022 12:14

My Daughter is very good friends with another girl in her class they are 9.
They have been very close from reception

the mum started taking my DD on play dates to hers aftershool .
She always offered I never expected and when I was off work I would always recip   

They were part of a bigger group of friends but this mum really focused in on my DD and her DD being friends but still we would meet up as a bigger group at the park etc on weekends.

Recently the mum has got quite off with me stopped offering my DD on playdates and when I was offering hers coming up with random excuses that she couldn't.
Now in school DD has told me the two of them still eat together and play together.
The mum has started taking another child on play dates which is completely fair enough but I don't really know how to explain this to my DD as there has been no fall out and tbh I am baffled by it too.
She has other friends that's not the issue I'm just not sure how to explain it to her.

OP posts:
PeekabooAtTheZoo · 29/11/2022 12:16

At that age surely the child should feel able to choose who she has playdates with (barring really inappropriate choices like zoo animals, TV characters or the local paedo). It's so odd that the mother is choosing her playdates at that age never mind the "on and off" behaviour towards you/your daughter.

GoonerGirl5231 · 29/11/2022 12:18

Tell her the truth – that you've tried to arrange playdates but the other mum hasn't got back to you with suitable times. Then encourage her to carry on the friendship in school but foster other ones outside of it. Ask her if there's anyone else in the class she'd like to ask instead, which might be what the other mum is doing, to increase her social circle.

VladmirsPoutine · 29/11/2022 12:25

Has your daughter asked questions? I just wouldn't make it an issue at all - make it as simple as people take their other friends out etc.

Jexi · 29/11/2022 12:45

I once knew a mum like that. Would latch on to different people for few months at a time then become distant and latch on to someone new.

carefulcalculator · 29/11/2022 12:50

What you need to remember is that many people are odd, annoying, difficult or have personality disorders - and that includes parents.

You have to be honest with your DD that you can't arrange play dates if the other parent doesn't agree to them. Accept the mum may just be a massive twat. Once they get to secondary with luck the need to inetract with other parents will pass.

The only thing I would warn is the kids of twatty parents often turn into problem friends themselves so teach you kid how to recognise draining behaviour.

Original poster
MumlifeSumlife · 29/11/2022 12:57

The little girl is just so lovely and they do have a really lovely friendship I'm just a bit sad for my DD as it was very full on and now they only see each other in school and she's a little confused

I've arranged for her to invite another friend to ours this weekend which is all good but then I worried the other mum would think I was being a twat but I have asked and am starting to feel stupid asking and being given crap excuses

OP posts:
carefulcalculator · 29/11/2022 13:00

MumlifeSumlife · 29/11/2022 12:57

The little girl is just so lovely and they do have a really lovely friendship I'm just a bit sad for my DD as it was very full on and now they only see each other in school and she's a little confused

I've arranged for her to invite another friend to ours this weekend which is all good but then I worried the other mum would think I was being a twat but I have asked and am starting to feel stupid asking and being given crap excuses

When it is very full on, that is a potential warning sign IMO.

I absolutely would invite other children, that will be the best thing to do.

The 'best friends' type behaviour is often pretty toxic - and often driven by parents.

Original poster
MumlifeSumlife · 29/11/2022 13:04

My older sons friendships have been more straightforward so this is my first experience of school mums forcing the friendship and I got sucked right in fgs

OP posts:
Favouritefruits · 29/11/2022 13:09

Maybe the little girl doesn’t like something at your house? I used to make my Mum give excuses why I couldn’t go to one girls house because I was so scared of her Dad and her Mums cooking was awful, sounds ridiculous but children are children and it may be something as silly as this.

footiemum3 · 29/11/2022 13:11

Are they likely to be going to the same secondary school. Mum might just be wanting her to widen her friendship group.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 29/11/2022 13:11

I think at every school there is that one mum who'll latch on a friendship do everything together for a few months or year, then move on and latch onto someone else and so fourth.

sheepdogdelight · 29/11/2022 13:15

At 9, playdates are usually more child led. Suggest DD talks to her friend about it.

BraveGoldie · 29/11/2022 13:18

Not sure why most people are assuming this comes from the mum. I think most likely her daughter has said she doesn't want to play with your DD as much anymore, and mum is gently trying to prevaricate..... Maybe your DD is more keen on her friend than vice versa at this point.

Just gently encourage DD to enjoy other friendships etc?

Original poster
MumlifeSumlife · 29/11/2022 13:32

Yes I will encourage that tbh friendships isn't the problem she has friends is invited to parties etc she is popular it was just because this became so common and then it just stopped with not reason I would have understood if there was an argument (the teacher has told me in school they are as chummy as ever) this is what makes me thinks it's more the mum

the mum even enrolled her DD in my DD activities gymnastics and dance (now she didn't stick it out as she is quite flakey) but it was very much pushed from that side rather than ours

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 29/11/2022 13:40

I've arranged for her to invite another friend to ours this weekend which is all good but then I worried the other mum would think I was being a twat but I have asked and am starting to feel stupid asking and being given crap excuses

Why are you worried about what the other mother might think?
She doesn't worry about what you think.
Chances are she doesn't think of you at all.

When you say 'stop asking' I take it you mean you've stopped asking if DD's friend can come for a playdate at yours? Don't feel stupid - it's not your fault this mum has rebuffed you.

PP have given good advice - & you don't need to pay a moment's notice to whatever is going on with this other mum.

LadyKenya · 29/11/2022 13:54

Why do you care what the mother would think of you inviting another child for a playdate.? She is not bothered when she is doing the same. Unless your child is asking questions about it, then there is nothing to be talking to them about.

2bazookas · 29/11/2022 14:03

You just tell DD "I can't explain it, I'm baffled too. It must be something to do with F's Mum, not you".

Original poster
MumlifeSumlife · 29/11/2022 14:07

Thanks everyone I'm gonna just forget about the friendship now and if she invites her again just be more cautious

as I said if there had been a fall out I'd understand it just seems to be she isn't the mums friend of choice anymore

OP posts:
Backtothegymgirl · 29/11/2022 14:10

You seem quite over invested. What do you mean forget about the friend ship. It’s your kids friendship, not yours. She is old enough to ask her friend.

were you relying on this woman yourself`? I’d have had no idea who else my daughters friends had play dates with.

Bookworm20 · 29/11/2022 14:17

It could be a number of reasons. Could be her DD doesn't like something at your house and wants to avoid going. Or maybe perhaps your DD did something when she was over which has been taken the wrong way or came across as rude or naughty or something. Who knows.

If they are still friends at school and nothing seems to have changed there, I wouldn't tell your DD to move away from the friendship. Maybe just speak to the mum and ask if everything is ok? If they were on playdates that often you must be on decent talking terms with her?

daretodenim · 29/11/2022 15:09

OP this may sound strange, but be grateful that the invites have stopped coming. This happened with my DS and it got really hard to turn them down, as the mother was very pushy (he was genuinely good friends with her son but the weekly invites were led by her). I thought it would end when they moved to a town at the other end of the country..but no. The invites are for DS11 to fly up there alone for the weekend!!!! She "misses my little buddy".

You've had a lucky escape, because you've not had to cause any animosity to cool things down.

Original poster
MumlifeSumlife · 29/11/2022 16:11

Sorry I didn't mean forget the friendship like tell my dd not to be friends with her anymore but for example if dd wanted a diff friend for a play date I would have always brought the other little girl too as I didn't want to be seen as leaving her out as the mum was always so good to my dd. I'm not gonna worry about things like that anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
MumlifeSumlife · 29/11/2022 16:12

I just know about the play dates as dd sees the other child going home with them at school pick ups and asked me why she wasn't asked anymore

OP posts:
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