To think my daughter is not horrible?

[malificent7]

Some of you may know my backstory. Dad got together with my best "friend's"mum. Best friend has a dd...now step cousin.

My dd (14) dosn't have much in common with her step cousin (13). They used to play but it wasn't a healthy relationship, they often fell out and step cousin said something awful to dd.

Apparently dd is horrible as she would rather go out with her real friends according to my "friend". Aibu to think my dd is not horrible. She has firm boundaries and her own social circle. She would rather see her biological cousins than a non bio step cousin. I am proud she is not like me who has not had good boundaries with ssid friend.

Fwiw...i have not influenced dd either way and don't push her to be friends or not with anyone.

I am going to therapy soon about these issues as i feel very confused about my friendship and boundaries.

Anyone?

Personally I think your bf and her dd could be classed as family and not ‘friends’ - meaning they only socialise at pre-approved and ‘planned in advance’ meet ups with a level of notice that suits you. Just tell your bf this and set strong boundaries.

Sorry, I don't know the backstory, so don't know how your friendship with your ?step-sister has panned out, or whether this is still an issue for you. I don't think your DD is unreasonable, at 14, to want to spend time with her own friends rather than someone now connected to her only by her grandfather's new relationship.
Good luck with the therapy.

OMG YANBU! They can't "make" girls of that age be friends. Just keep an eye out for where that manipulative behaviour has come from (not sure if it's the step cousin or her mum/dad), it doesn't exist in isolation. Your daughter sounds well-balanced.

you're going to have to fill us in on the backstory because there's not much to go off here. I don't even know why you're putting "friend" in quote marks.

I suppose i put "friends" in marks as i dont think she should call my dd horrible. We have a long history where she used to sabotage me, date my exes and i suppose i feel jealous that my dad spends more time supporting her than me.
In the past her dd used to have epic tantrums and my dd used to get the blame.

You and your DD are allowed to choose your friends, it is time you take your DD’s lead and distance yourself from your ‘friend’.

Yanbu. It isn’t horrible to spend time with your friends. Pushing your dd and your friend’s dd together didn’t work so why force them to be friends? A polite reminder to your friend eg: dd is very busy with xyz and has her own group of good friends, she’s old enough to make up her own mind. No negotiation. If friend pushes and resorts to shaming ask her why she wants to control her own daughter’s social life? They aren’t children anymore.

I think the strangest aspect of this is when I suggested the girls hang out together at event earlier this year as we were all camping together, my friend replied " we should keep them apart as I don't want my daughter's heart to be beoken and I have to look after my dds emotional health."

For context, this girl told dd she would kill her hence dd understandably has backed off.

I guess as a backstory, as young women we had quite a competitive friendship. She dosn't seem to be able to be happy for me. When I recently achieved a 1st recently her response was "it's easier to get a 1st in science than in my degree". I could go on but it would be outing.

So neither mum or daughter are nice to you or your daughter? Why not just not see/ talk to them? You don’t need to ?

Difficult as they are part of dad's family so on some family occassions we do have to.

Where is your father in all of this? This woman is calling a 14 year old child, his own granddaughter, horrible for wanting to form her own friendships!
Call her out on it every time she says anything negative about your daughter. Tell her to grow up.

Dad is a bit weak it would seem and said he's caught in the middle!

For a start stop calling the teenagers step cousins. It’s completely ridiculous. Your respective parents are in a relationship. You are wildly over complicating things. You do need to work on boundaries and developing a bit of resilience so you can model that for your daughter. Your daughter I’m sure isn’t horrible and who cares what this frenemy thinks. Smile sweetly and ignore her???

Well according to my friend they are actual cousins!

I kid you not!

Who cares what your friend thinks? They aren’t cousins????!!!!!! They aren’t ‘step cousins’!!!! Your friend sounds deeply deranged. Ask your dad to visit you at your home.

Why did you suggest the girls hang out together though, if your daughter doesn’t like this girl or want to be friends with her? Were you trying in a misguided way to be nice to your “friend” and her daughter?
It’s good that you recognise and respect that your daughter has better boundaries than you. Your friend is very odd, the two of you don’t seem to like each other much and I really don’t understand why you’re spending time with her.

They aren’t step cousins! Their grandparents are in a relationship-that’s it.