I would like some advice on my situation from an outsiders perspective. I am trying to be brief
but give enough context without outing myself to any family that may be on here.
I just need to know if IABU in this situation.
I have been in a relationship with DH for 13 years. 7 of those married.
We have DD11 and DS13. DS13 is not his biologically but he has brought him up since 6 months old and calls him dad.
DS also had ASD and mild learning disability (undiagnosed) and very violent behaviours which have always been present but escalated over the past 2 years.
I have been the one trying to source support. Services have been non existent and unfortunately our family have fallen apart.
We paid privately for a psychiatrist and he has medication now so much better but the cracks have started.
We are all low but DH recently become very low and said he was unhappy. When asked if it was our relationship he said yes and got very upset and said it was heartbreaking that we no longer have a relationship. It has been so hard to spend time together which our situation,
He told me he does not feel good enough that he can not reach my 'level' (by this he was referring to the strategies we need to use to support DS) and that he struggles to stay calm and also that he has never felt good enough for me. He said he messed up the relationship in the beginning of the relationship (I found text messages to multiple women when we were first together and also after our daughter was born but forgave him) - BTW not my best moment (looking at his phone) but I had an instinct and was very paranoid after my daughter was born due to postnatal depression and also having appendicitis and an operation which landed me in ICU. To be fair the first time I found out the girl messaged me to tell me. He has never confessed and got caught.
Now to present day. I have felt his disengagement for a while and I have been the same as my mood is low as aswell as struggling through supporting my son which I do all the research for, I also lost my dad last year and been sorting his estate, have long COVID since Dec 2020 and was a frontline worker in the pandemic which took its toll.
Then on Tuesday I came home to him with his head in his hands and saying he was fine. When I asked what is wrong he said I am not happy. I asked are you low in mood or not happy and he said not happy. I guessed it was about the relationship and he said yes that’s what it is. I can see it all over your face that you do not love me, your too good for me etc. said he has tested me to see if I give him a hug and kiss etc.
I was really confused and trying to support his low mood and see if we could try counselling etc but he said 'whats that going to do' ' do you really think that’s going to work'.
On top of this he also:
- Did not have his wedding ring on - ' said is was because his finger was sore which does happen but he has never taken it off before'
- Deleted all the pictures of us off facebook
I also did not think much of this in the moment but now I'm questioning the following because of history:
- Last weekend he text me to say that he may go out with some people from work and and asked if I minded. I said I didn't but then he ended up coming home and was moping around and eventually it was 7 pm and he said he wasn't going out. I had had a really long day with the kids I'm so tired and had a relapse day so fell asleep really early. I have a vague memory of him waking me up about 9:30 to say that one of the guys from work rang him and he was going to go out as they had come from the town an hour away and were now local. He went out and come home at 1am ish. This was weird not thinking of it but I did not think anything of it in the moment and as I said I was so out of it unwell
Now because his mood has suddenly changed and because he has been brooding and moping around and not speaking I have had time to think and my suspicions have grown. To the point that I wanted to check his phone but I did not do this as I refuse to become that person again.
I told him out right what I felt and that as he has no way of proving this to me then unfortunately I think the trust has gone and it had resurfaced old trust issues. When I asked him if he could show me the call he had from one of the guys from work when they rang him he said 'it's not on there, no idea why'. Alarm bells going off in my head. And if I have to ask him then what does that say for our relationship.
In addition to this the following are reasons why I feel I am no longer in love with him:
- I have been supporting my daughters mental health over the last year by spending time with her when she goes to bed as this is the time where it all catches up with her. She has trauma from her brothers violence and aggression and has some PTSD. Some nights I would just go and lay in her bed with her and be there for anything she wanted to say. When I first started to do this he said ' bugger that, I would never do that' he preferred to sit and watch TV
- When DS was calm he would pre-empt stuff by saying for example 'he is going to kick off big time when we ask him to brush his teeth' and it would really agitate me that he would already assign a reaction to him and not be able to enjoy the peace while it lasted. In addition to this then DD would also start doing the same as she heard him doing it
- Our daughter has a support worker who supports her and has been absolutely brilliant. Our daughter said to the support worker that she would like to spend more time with her dad and
he did take her out twice to an ice cream parlour but I made a point of saying to him that is also about small things and 10 minutes quality time just talking is just as good and that please don’t do one big thing and then not do It again. But he hasn't done it since and that was 6 months ago
- The kids and I like simple things such as going out for a walk around the block in the evening or spending a bit of time watching family TV. He prefers to get the kids into bed and be able to sit down and watch the TV and cant stand them talking if we watch a film etc. The fact that he values that more Impacts the way I feel about him
- I also feel that I do all the emotional support for the kids, all the mental load for sorting out stuff for school and appointments, half term etc
I feel so sad as I feel that this marriage is over and that the kids will be happier if we are apart and we can't drag this on.But I'm aware that I am not in a great mindset I need to make sure I make the right decision.
In addition to the above he has spent the last weekend moving from room to room feeling sorry for himself and I know he doesn't feel great but he just cannot make himself do stuff for the kids. I have also had a relapse in my fatigue levels and although he was meant to be off work today he still decided to go and that for me means that he can control his mood in someway but he's choosing not to so at home.
Please someone from a different perspective tell me what this looks like. I I think I want a divorce and for us to go our separate ways but I do not want to break my daughters heart until I know for sure but it just feels like a dealbreaker.
Also, if his mood is really low then I really do not want to send him over the edge by telling him that the reason I do not love him anymore is because of all of the above. I still care about him and don't want him to do anything stupid.
This is probably the longest am IABU, but am I?