Taken advantage of

[CheshGirl]

Will try not to waffle.
Mother to 2 DC, son 4 daughter 1.

Had successful career and gave it up after DD was born, knew she was my last and wanted the time and DH encouraged it.

DH has good job, earns well but we're skint.

Each month we spend every penny, and drain the overdraft.

My DH previously gave me £100 per month to spend on myself - I could use joint account for things if I needed to but the £100 was really meant to cover my expenses.

Things are tight, we sold my car and used the money to help recover the overdraft.

My dad, last year offered to give me £100 per month as a direct debit (he supports my younger sister) and so offered to do the same for me.

Since learning my dad set this up my DH cancelled the £100 he gave me.

Fast forward to this September my dad said rather than £100 pcm, would £600 every 6 months be better and so I said probably - DH then said that money would pay for Christmas, and so it has - it's all gone on gifts.

So I now have nothing.

I have an Etsy shop where I make maybe £50 a month profit.

I have the ability to consult, (branding/marketing) and so my husband suggests o do that to earn extra money in order to keep our holiday in May (Greece) rather than cancel it.

I am on my period and unsure if I'm catastrophising.

It doesn’t sound like you can afford to only live on your husband’s salary. Surely working very part time is better than maxing your overdraft and depending on your dad?

You need to get back to work ASAP. Your husband is a twat. You're not a child to be put on an allowance. You have put work on hold to save thousands on childcare. You should have access to joint bank accounts and have equal control of finances.

You say you're skint, do you mean your husbands skint?
Could he afford to give you the money or is he just being a tight arse?
That's where the difference lays tbh.
Many families expenses have risen over £400 a month.

He says he has nothing also but has a PT that I think will cost around £200 a month, if not a bit more.

You need to get your arse back to work before everything goes tits up. Sorry, but you don't have the luxury of being a stay at home mum as things currently stand. It also seems as though you need to learn how to manage your money.

Op, try to find a part time job, two or three days a week (that's what I did and my child was fine, I still had plenty of time at home). It will make such a difference and you'll be independent.

Honestly, I would want to see a breakdown of spending for the two of you and your income. Work out all costs and essentials, then what is leftover for extras. Split fairly between DCs and the both of you. You're both working, only he is getting paid and you're doing childcare.

Do you actually know what the money is being spent on? You say he earns well.

Big mortgage? Rent? Your kids are young, they shouldn't be too expensive at this age. You provide the childcare.

So why are you skint? Can you figure out what is draining that bank account?

Mortgage, car - they're both big expenses.

I earned equal to him when I was working, and I think on paper we should have enough on one salary, but quite frankly we don't.

What's hurting is that I'm expected to consult at night after having the children all day.

He has forfeited the money I should have had from my own dad.

I'm feeling really upset about it.

I also know he would be shocked if I disclosed all of this.

what is your DH spending on? could he be gambling or be extravagant on something you can't see?

have you got your own private bank account that is not shared? have you got any skills that you can use to earn money part time? transcription can pay reasonably well from home (search mumsnet for the £10 per day threads). And put any of your earnings in your private account.

Your dd is only 1 so it seems like you would have had the standard ML of 1 year in any case. If you had a successful career then surely it would be easy enough to get back in. Being a sahp is a luxury op, not a right and your dd is 1 so older enough to go into a nursery or childcare setting

Go back to work end of. Plus tbh your DH is just spending in the background.

If you’re emptying your overdraft every month you can’t live on one salary and £50 a month from Etsy. It might have seemed like a good idea you both agreed to but it’s not working and sounds really stressful.

He shouldn’t have taken the money from your dad - for you - for Christmas presents. That’s a total pisstake. And he can’t afford £200 a month on a PT. That’s outrageous when you’re both apparently skint. It means he’s not.

If he’s cutting off your spending money and telling you to go back to work the two of you need a proper sit down with a spreadsheet and all the figures to hand. Be practical, be pragmatic, be honest.

He can’t expect you to have ft care of a baby and work with no childcare. You can’t expect to stay off work if your family needs more income.

Do you have access to all bank accounts? I would go over records with a fine comb. Never know what you might find

I think I do need to get back to work.
I think the reason he doesn't want me to is because his life is so much easier with me at home.

He is due to receive a lot of money during a shares pay out in 3/4 yeaDS but I don't think we can't wait that long.

Agree would agree with the above, OP.
Your husband giving you an allowance situation will go sour fast - it’s already begun to. Further expenses with current inflation/heating/mortgages will only make it worse. You need your own financial independence.

Where is your money going? How much money is he putting in his own private account? It doesn't seem as though you have a clue as to what's really going on with your finances.

You don't yet know whether you can afford to be a sahm because you haven't done the budget.

It sounds like you can't but once you know where the money is going and what can be trimmed then you'll know for sure and will be able to figure out how much you need to earn to both cover childcare costs and get the family above water.

DH is a dick for expecting you to do full time childcare and work evenings If you mean when they're in bed. However if he does the evening shift with the kids whilst you work that could be more reasonable and mean you need to work fewer hours since you don't need to pay for childcare.

DH potentially isn't unreasonable for stopping the allowance or saying the £600 will need to go on presents, but if you don't feel that then he hasn't shown you the figures.

£200 on PT needs to go unless it's needed for his job, not a model or similar I presume?

It's so straightforward, what's coming in, what's going out on essentials then what's left is for you to agree how to save spend. Take control and get it sorted. I hope you find you can rejig and mange for as long as you want to be off work.

Thank you everyone.

And yes - that is the expectation, me to work (consult) when I have put DD down, he does DS.

I then end up doing the night shift with her as she is not sleeping through and he does Fri and Sat night.

Did he decide to sell your car? Why was your car sold and not his? Do you have access to a car now?

Did you have any discussion about him stopping the £100 when you received money from your dad or did he decide unilaterally?

Whose name is the house in? Who paid the deposit and how much was the deposit?

Are you paying into a pension for you, from your household income? If not you're really creating financial problems for your future. That plus the overall reduction in potential earnings growth over the entirely of your career, it's only really financially do-able for those with a very high earning partner.