To ask how to get more confidence at speaking up in meetings?

[mutedmute]

I'm ok if someone asks a question to me, but when I know I need to mention something out of the blue and speak up I really struggle. I have wondered if I have some form of selective mutism, as it's like I'm physically unable to speak, it feels like there's a physical barrier stopping the words coming out.

Today my manager asked me to bring something up in a meeting of colleagues, and it was only because they were in the meeting and were kind of waiting on me to bring it up that I was able to force myself to interrupt the flow of the meeting to speak, and I stumbled through the question blushing. I don't even know why as it was an important point to raise and was a useful addition to the meeting, so it's not like I thought I was saying something stupid.

AIBU to ask how to get more confidence at speaking up in meetings?

if you're having to literally interrupt the flow of the meeting to make an important point, then the meeting is not being run very well. There should be opportunity to bring up points and the facilitator should make sure that everyone has had a chance to speak. If you aren't given opportunity to speak, then you should absolutely feel free to send an email afterwards along the lines of "I didn't get a chance to speak in the meeting but I wanted to make xyz point".

if it is just confidence, would it help to write down exactly what you want to say? Then you only have to read it out (make a joke about it if you feel awkward doing it - but really people are unlikely to care). Or build up slowly - so that you can start by just saying things like "I agree with Sarah" and build up to longer points of your own. I think a lot of people hate having all eyes on them, but it really does get easier the more you do it. Also bear in mind that people really won't be noticing you particularly. You might feel like you've tripped over your words or whatever, but everyone else will have forgotten that within 30 seconds.

I feel your pain. I was (and occasionally still get) like this. My voice would shake and I would blush even if I practiced what I was going to say. I am much better now but I think it is just practice and forcing myself to do it!

Hello, sounds like you’re being flooded with fear or shame or both. Question is what is that about? Can you get curious about it? Is it when you’re in front of a particular person (eg are you okay with team mates and struggle with authority figures?)

Key question is can you think of a time in your life when you had that feeling? Often these things go back to childhood and how we felt with our parents, and sometimes just having some awareness of that can help you tolerate the feelings a bit more.

With the selective mutism, is there any fear about being seen or noticed by people? Is so why might that be?

Also partly it can be about exposure and practice. Could you practice saying something out loud to yourself before a meeting? And then with a very safe person like a supportive friend/partner? And then maybe with a supportive work colleague before tackling the scarier situation?

Also is it confidence in the subject you’re talking about? So is there any training or practice you can get in the subject matter to help you feel more confident?

Some therapy could help you dig into all of this.