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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother in law..

26 replies

Funfamilytimes · 28/11/2022 15:45

So! I need some advice really. It’s a bit of a long one… so sorry!
We have a child who is 18 months. My husbands parents are awful with her. They met her collectively 7 times. One of which they told us to leave because they had pizza being delivered.. after driving an hour on a planned visit!
my husband has another child who his mum sees as often as she can. The child lives 9 hours away and she drives up there every 2-3 months to either collect or stay with my husbands ex. She doesn’t work so can do this. Last month she stayed for a month and had her down here for 2 weeks also.
11 months ago MIL said to me that my husband and her are going to go up and stay in the ex’s house, bring her back then do the same the next weekend to drop off. This is the first I’d heard of this so I went home and spoke to my husband… he said MIL asked him and he said no (him and ex don’t get on, especially since she has moved away). I asked her why she said it and her response is to say I’ve lied so I fell out with MIL due to her causing a row between us (I didn’t understand why she said to this to me basically like it was a planned thing!)
Since then she has told my husband’s entire family that I have deeply upset her and lied and I am the sole reason that she doesn’t have a relationship with our daughter. She has also said that my side of the family spoil our daughter and she feels jealous seeing my husband at my family’s gatherings (she did say she didn’t want him to stop but just to make him aware that it upsets her that he is happy with my family).
She also uses health as an excuse to not drive the 30 mins to see our daughter but will drive 9 to see my step daughter. This has been going on since our daughter was born.
We have on multiple occasions tried to make it better. She came to our daughter’s birthday party and sat outside the entire time and didn’t interact with anyone. So everyone at the party took it in turns to go out to speak to her. Her husband didn’t come nor wish our daughter a happy birthday.
We’ve tried to phone her and text her to arrange meet ups but she’s always been too busy or cancelled.
Shes recently told my husband that she doesn’t like me and that I have a strong minded and strong willed personality and we are two very different people. She also said she will not be civil with me because I called her out about the convo 11 months ago.

BASICALLY! Long story short .. I’m fed up of trying to get her in our daughters life when she clearly doesn’t want to be. My husband still wants to try and wants me to have a conversation with her with him but is worried that she will say something horrible about me. Would you bother to have the convo after her saying she won’t be civil? If you did have the convo what would you say? Am I being unfair not wanting to have the convo at all?

OP posts:
fancyacuppatea · 28/11/2022 15:47

YABU for having any more conversations about her, let alone with her.
Put your foot down.
NO.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 28/11/2022 15:50

I'd just phase her out and leave your husband to do all contact with her and have nothing to do with her.

Is she the reason him and his ex spilt up? Because it wouldn't surprise me!

SeasonFinale · 28/11/2022 15:51

It is her loss if she doesn't want to have a relationship with you and your daughter. Once I went very LC in the same situation I was a lot happier.

Original poster
Funfamilytimes · 28/11/2022 15:52

No, she cheated on him multiple times unfortunately! But MIL has always spoken horribly about the ex… very openly saying how much she dislikes her.

OP posts:
JustAnotherHappyFatty · 28/11/2022 15:55

Leave ALL communication with her to your husband. I would be reiterating to him that I wouldn't be impressed if he just buggered off to his ex's at MIL's say so but apart from that just leave him to it.

InBlue · 28/11/2022 15:55

How often does your husband see the child he moved 9hrs away from?

How old is the child now? How old when he moved?

Perhaps your MIL feels bad for her eldest grandchild.

InBlue · 28/11/2022 15:57

Sorry just reread and seen its the ex that moved away. Ignore!

Original poster
Funfamilytimes · 28/11/2022 16:03

Sorry new to this.. I’m trying to reply to @InBlue ..
so.. my husband didn’t move. The ex moved. She’s with the army so has been stationed there. We bought a house near to where they used to live so he used to have her 50/50. When she found out I was pregnant it all changed and everything was made very difficult. He sees her probably every 3 months now I’d say. He has a 9-5 job and limited holiday that he uses only on her and takes days unpaid so he can see her as much as possible. She is 5 now. Just turned. We saw her for her birthday two months ago and are scheduled to have her for Christmas this year. They moved just over a year ago but the ex was deployed for 5 months and a further 3 before that… so the daughter has been staying with the ex’s mum due to being enrolled in school there.
I completely empathise with her feeling bad for my step child which is why when he have had her we’ve always offered her time to have her for sleepovers/weekends/days so she can see her too.

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Original poster
Funfamilytimes · 28/11/2022 16:06

@SeasonFinale what does LC mean? Dry new and the abbreviations are getting me! Haha. But thank you for your response!

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Naunet · 28/11/2022 16:15

He sees his child about once every 3 months?!! Jesus Christ, poor kid. I hope he’s paying over the legal minimum in maintenance at least.

That aside though, I’d just not have anything to do with your MIL anymore, leave it to your husband to deal with.

Naunet · 28/11/2022 16:17

We have a child who is 18 months. My husbands parents are awful with her. They met her collectively 7 times

To put this into perspective, this works out as more often than your husband has seen his own daughter, if he only sees her once every 3 months.

Damnautocorrect · 28/11/2022 16:22

Firstly, why are you bothering with MIL? You can’t make her like you, or your child. Yes it’s upsetting, yes it’s unfair, yes it’s shit. But you cannot force her, she’s made her stance clear. Don’t waste any more energy.

secondly, surely your step daughter would be better off with dad and shared with mum? He’s coming across a very shit dad and maybe that’s why MIL steps up so much

Original poster
Funfamilytimes · 28/11/2022 16:45

@Naunet in the school holidays for a week or 2 at a time. Unfortunately it’s the most he can. It costs a lot in fuel and time to go up there and isn’t in the best paying job so makes the most of what he can. FaceTimes her regularly to keep up contact. If he drives up on Friday after work he would get there at 2am then would have to leave Sunday and we can’t really do it in one as a family. So he tries when he can have her longer than a day :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Funfamilytimes · 28/11/2022 16:48

@Naunet no no, we have her for a week minimum when we see her. And in 18 months they’ve seen her for about 7 hours or so. MIL has seen her once at her party in 11 Months. FIL hasnt seen her since she was about 5 months old I think. He’s only met her 2 times. I probably didn’t explain this well!

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Original poster
Funfamilytimes · 28/11/2022 16:56

@Damnautocorrect he’s tried to get full custody but the ex won’t allow it because she would then lose her housing privileges through the army. He’s had countless conversations with her about moving back so she can deploy away and she can be in a stable environment but she just won’t have it. At the moment he can’t afford solicitors but is saving up. He’s completed a parental agreement (which he was advised to do) so he gets contact more easily and has things set out. His ex is pretty tricky with things. He’s stopped her going to Cyprus before Scotland so she then chose Scotland and didn’t tell him about it until it was pretty much moving day then she got solicitors to not allow him to have her to stop him “kidnapping” his daughter so they couldn’t go to Scotland.
Trust me, he’s really been fighting for his daughter and I feel really sorry for him. He’s actually a really really great dad but in an awful situation which he has hardly any say over.

OP posts:
Naunet · 28/11/2022 17:06

Funfamilytimes · 28/11/2022 16:48

@Naunet no no, we have her for a week minimum when we see her. And in 18 months they’ve seen her for about 7 hours or so. MIL has seen her once at her party in 11 Months. FIL hasnt seen her since she was about 5 months old I think. He’s only met her 2 times. I probably didn’t explain this well!

I don’t think it’s acceptable that your husband has such little contact with his daughter, but that’s not your fault or your issue to defend, I just feel sorry for the poor child.

I think with your PiL though, you have to accept that you can’t control other people’s actions, leave your husband to deal with them and to put them out of your mind.

Damnautocorrect · 28/11/2022 17:09

Funfamilytimes · 28/11/2022 16:56

@Damnautocorrect he’s tried to get full custody but the ex won’t allow it because she would then lose her housing privileges through the army. He’s had countless conversations with her about moving back so she can deploy away and she can be in a stable environment but she just won’t have it. At the moment he can’t afford solicitors but is saving up. He’s completed a parental agreement (which he was advised to do) so he gets contact more easily and has things set out. His ex is pretty tricky with things. He’s stopped her going to Cyprus before Scotland so she then chose Scotland and didn’t tell him about it until it was pretty much moving day then she got solicitors to not allow him to have her to stop him “kidnapping” his daughter so they couldn’t go to Scotland.
Trust me, he’s really been fighting for his daughter and I feel really sorry for him. He’s actually a really really great dad but in an awful situation which he has hardly any say over.

That’s incredibly sad. I’m glad he has got her best interests at heart. Keep up the good fight. I know it’s easier said than done but the sooner he gets solicitors the better. Times marching on in his daughters life and she will be settled there and a move wouldn’t be in her best interests

JustAnotherManicMomday · 28/11/2022 17:18

Mil clearly has issues. Call her out on her behaviour in front of your husband, tell her that she makes effort with her other gc who's much further away buy not with yours, tell her she plays the victim and if she wants to do so fine but she now has one chance, either make the effort or you really will make it difficult seeing as she's accusing you anyway.

Original poster
Funfamilytimes · 28/11/2022 17:20

@Damnautocorrect that’s exactly what they said to him. Because she’s enrolled in school he wouldn’t win a custody battle so it’s best to do a parental agreement and stop her going over seas. It’s really sad because he’s gone from seeing her every day, always doing nursery runs even when he didn’t have her to now not seeing her much. It really does break his heart!

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leafblowaway · 28/11/2022 17:26

LC means low contact as in why on earth would you bother with this toxic woman who lies and manipulates to get what she wants?

The best lesson you can learn is it isn't you. You are enough, your husband married you, you most likely have friends and family who think you are great. So why are you trying to hard with a woman who is determined to make you beg and grovel for her forgiveness? To misquote someone, it is not your job to make someone love you, it is your job to show someone who you are and it is up to them if they want to be around you, or not.

My husband still wants to try and wants me to have a conversation with her not your circus, not your monkeys. It is up to your husband to talk to his family. You can just let go. Just because someone is related to you by either blood or marriage does not mean you have to get on. Her bad mouthing you to all the family is meaningless. They will all know what she is like. Don't have the conversation, stop any contact and feel the freedom of not giving her head space.

amiold · 28/11/2022 17:34

F*ck that for a game of soldiers

Let your husband please her as he wishes. Stop going round. stop planning things with her and let her get on with her relationship with ex she clearly has a good relationship with and lies about it for effect Hates.

I hope the rest of the family can see through her and don't think you're as horrible as she makes out.

5128gap · 28/11/2022 17:34

Well she's clearly capable of being an extremely supportive MiL and GP as evidenced by her relationship with your husbands first family, so it seems to me there's something under the surface, personal dislike of you, or disapproval of your H for some reason. Maybe his ex has a different take on their break up and MiL believes her? If I were you I'd be asking my H (not you!) to ask her straight out. Say you've both noticed there appears to be an issue, and what is it? At least then you'll know where you stand.

Original poster
Funfamilytimes · 28/11/2022 18:19

@amiold I really love the strike out reply haha. And so bloody true.

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Original poster
Funfamilytimes · 28/11/2022 18:21

@leafblowaway thank you very much for your response. That’s put it really into perspective. I have a large family and get on very well with them and have lots of close friends.
I will say to him that I shan’t bother and be less stressed!

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Original poster
Funfamilytimes · 28/11/2022 18:25

@5128gap I think you’re right. I think it’s a combination of her not liking me and her probably blaming my husband for not stopping her going to Scotland.
He had a convo with her recently which is when she said that I am the reason that she doesn’t have a relationship with our daughter and that my family make her jealous because hes happy when with us all! That’s why he wants me to now talk to her. But I’m going to say I don’t feel comfortable and leave it to him

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