To send DS into school for the afternoon

[dn070406]

NC’d as friends know I'm on here so I don't want this post to go on my usual name to protect DS’ privacy.

He went to a party on Saturday, it was his first ‘big’ party with people he didn't know but his friends were also there along with some of his other classmates. Previously, he'd only been to parties with people he knew but some older children (16/17) from his school were attending also but I decided to let him go as he's 15 and all his friends were going etc.

I had a message a few hours later from his phone but his friend had sent it and asked me to pick DS up as he was drunk, when I got there he'd wet himself so I took him straight home, he was couldn't really hold a conversation etc, he was sick a few times so I put him to bed and checked on him regularly. He woke up yesterday and he was mortified and very hungover. He spoke to his friend and she said he didn't drink much but some of the older boys from his school had given him alcohol and were laughing at him when he’d wet himself so I'm not sure if they’d spiked his drink with anything but he seemed fine so I didn't take him anywhere.

This morning, he told me he didn't want to go to school as he had a bad headache so I told the school what he'd told me but I then managed to get him to tell me he didn't want to go as he was embarrassed and everyone was going to laugh at him as even if they weren't at the party they'd probably have found out from other people. I've told him to ignore what anyone says etc but he has said he still doesn't want to go.

WIBU to send him in for the afternoon and if he doesn't go take his things off him or should I give him a day at home?

Also, I’d be sending him in for lunch and the 2 lessons after and he'd be there for football which he does after school and usually enjoys but has said he doesn't care that he's missing it today

I'd let him off for today.

But absolutely he had to go in tomorrow.

I would - it's a life lesson in not getting so drunk you embarrass yourself and then have that awful anxiety before you see the people who witnessed it again! He'd be much better getting it over and done with, hopefully there will only be a couple of comments, then they will all move on. Could well be some of the older boys will have got themselves in such a state after he'd left, they have completely forgotten about it.

I’d let him stay off. Tough life lesson to go through that embarrassment, better that he feels you have his back than pushed away.

Agree. Let him have the day off and send him in tomorrow

I just don't know what to do for the best as I'm worried about keeping him off for the day today as it might make it harder for him to go in tomorrow etc

It's absolutely a life lesson to make a complete wally of yourself drinking and then have to face the music. Most people have either done it already or will do it at some point. He'd be in tomorrow.

I think going in so late will draw more attention from his peers at this point. Be very clear he needs to attend tomorrow. I really feel for him. I’m a guidance teacher in a high school and I would advise you check in with him re:social media in case he’s getting a hard time on there and to make sure no one’s uploaded any photos or videos of him while he was drunk.

I haven't sent him but I have told him he needs to go tomorrow but I'm not sure if I should let the school know in advance incase anyone makes comments etc. He hasn't said anything about videos/pictures of him being on social media but I assume there probably are some of the party but I'm not sure about just of DS. His friends were great they put his jacket over him to try and not let the others see but apparently when one of the boys noticed he drew attention to him so most of the people at the party probably do know including his classmates/the boys he does football with. He hasn't said anything about anyone saying anything to him on social media but he usually doesn't as he keeps everything bottled up, and the issue is he uses Snapchat the most so the messages delete after seeing them so I wouldn't know even if I checked.

Oh bless him! It’s a tough life lesson but at least he only wet himself not pooped! He needs a witty come back for the kids that will take the piss-pardon the pun.

Let him relax and sleep off the beer fear. He won't be the only one to drink too much and do something silly. Often the anxiety over it is worse than the reality

Reassure him most people get “hangxiety” and yeah it’s not ideal to wet yourself but as someone else said, at least he never shit himself. It’s really not the worse thing in the world. He needs to laugh it off and show he’s not bothered!

Let him have today off and send him in tomorrow. Give him some lines to say when his "mates" try to make fun of him ... "eg, "yeah, I was pissed" (laugh) or similar. He has to learn to deal with making a fool of himself - we've all done it.

Thanks everyone

I've spoken to DS and he's still saying he doesn't want to go to school and he told me that he has been getting messages from his classmates, some who weren't even at the party. I asked him if he'll try and go tomorrow and he said yes but before he went to bed complained of stomach ache which could be due to feeling anxious. His friends have been encouraging him to go as well as he's told them the real reason he didn't go today so hopefully he does but I'm not sure how much to push him into going.

It’s hard but he needs to push through and go back today. The longer he stays off, the more attention he brings to himself and that keeps the story going. His friends sound like they’ve got his back. I know he’ll be mortified but he’s probably just going to have to accept that he’ll get some stupid comments today. He needs to tell the right people to eff off and “laugh” it off with others. The next drama will then happen and the kids will move onto that and he’ll be old news by the weekend. I know he won’t believe it but I literally see it EVERY DAY in my job. Teens have remarkably short attention spans!

I’d also advise he ignores any stupid messages -don’t feed the trolls!

If it continues/gets worse then you could contact his guidance/pastoral teacher for support but check with him first. Or you could ask his pastoral/guidance teacher to ask staff to discreetly keep an eye on peer interactions (class teachers don’t need to know why but I imagine they’ll hear from pupil gossip) so that if any of them think he’s getting an especially hard time, they can let his pastoral teacher know. <—this is really worst case scenario though, I don’t think it’ll come to this.

He needs to find a way to own it and brazen it out.

If he goes in with swagger it will be quickly forgotten, if he acts like a victim then the kids will go in like jackals.

I know it's tough. When I was 21 I made a complete twat of myself, the entire thing was caught on cctv at my work place. Turned out I had actually been spiked but it was really really bad. The best approach I found was to make a joke out of it myself. It made it less funny for them and was forgot within a few days.