Christmas Day drama. Putting my foot down.

[ConfusedMumma99]

For the first time ever I’ve put my foot down. Feel a bit wobbly. Did I do the right thing.

Had my first child this year. My parents couldn’t have given less of a crap. Never call. See my child once a month

DH parents are the best thing since sliced bread in my eyes. Couldn’t do more for us or our child. They adore him.

We always alternate years and this year Xmas fell on my DH family. Which I’m glad about, my child’s first Christmas will be with his grandparents he sees regularly.

my parents, have kicked off. Wanting us to spend Christmas with them. I’ve said politely it’s not their year. But they have gone on about how sibling will be spending Xmas with them with their kids and THEY want Christmas with all their grandchildren. My sibling has not even acknowledged my child’s existence. Didn’t even get a congratulations when child has born.

I’ve been polite and said no it’s DH families year, but my parents have gone on about how they want to get pictures of alll their grandkids together. And how were being unfair to deny them seeing their grandchild on Xmas. They see my child once a month for 1-2 hours!!!!!!!!

so I lost it. Said even if it wasn’t DH families year we’d be spending with them. I told them how hurt I’ve been at the lack of interest they show towards my child. I did say I’d love to work at rebuilding a relationship. They responded that it’s my issues, they have no issues so I need to work it out in my head.

I had expectations of my parents when I had a child. Rightfully or wrongfully so. I guess my expectations were based on how my siblings were supported during there times of having kids.

I feel guilty but DH says that he thinks this is because I’m sad about what the relationship should have been. Because realistically who WOULD chose to spend Xmas with the family who makes no effort.

I wish things were different but my parents response doesn’t look like things will change soon.

Good for you. Spend time with the people who love you and support you. That was a lesson I leaned too late in life.

Your DH and his family sound great. Hang out with them and have fun and be happy.

You sound like you know what your family (you/DH/DC) need to thrive, so go with that. Try not to let the drama take the shine off it and all will be well. Your parents will just need to let it go.

I am so sorry you are going through this, families can be awful. I had similar experiences when I had my first my DH's parents are such great help to us and always have been, I eventually went NC with my own family. Life is for living, and being surrounded by supportive loving people. Well done on standing your ground, it is very stressful but you are a Mom now so your family unit has changed and never second guess the decisions you make in the best interest of your own family. Enjoy Christmas surrounded by people who love love you all 🎅🎄😍

Yes do what you want.

But if you want to be low rather than no contact I’d avoid exploding again - just grey rock it a bit

Never take "turns" at Christmas or any other event. It sets up expectations that you might not want to follow in future years. Spend high days and holidays with the people that you love. Life is too short to waste your time on twats.

Leave your parents in the rear view mirror. Grab happiness with your PIL with both hands. Life is for living, enjoy them!

Said even if it wasn’t DH families year we’d be spending with them. I told them how hurt I’ve been at the lack of interest they show towards my child. I did say I’d love to work at rebuilding a relationship. They responded that it’s my issues, they have no issues so I need to work it out in my head.

Well that's just not true is it. Their issues are that their behaviour and choice to support you less than they support your siblings have consequences, and they do not like those consequences.

Stick to your guns OP. Invest your time and energy in the people who invest theirs in you and your family. Tell your parents if they badger you again that you're hearing an awful lot of what ^they* want, but not much about what you and your husband want, and what you want is Christmas with people who have cherished and supported you and your baby all year.

You'll see how things are going next year and maybe they'll get the Kodak moment then, depending how the relationship is faring.

yanbu

you can't fix your parents or sibling and exploding all your repressed grief at the lack of love and support received from them probably wasn't helpful but is totally understandable.

your parents can have all the grandchildren together of course, just not on Christmas Day. Work out when you can visit them and let them know. stick to the plan of seeing DH family on the big day.

there's lots of Christmases to come, and tbh baby's first Christmas isn't that special because they haven't a clue and just want their routine. 3rd Christmas is absolutely the best, so look forward to that.

I learned the hard way never to do anything that had a 'repeat' with my mum as one invitation became a life long commitment. Xmas Eve, Xmas day, cinema trips, beach trips, school plays. Everything became an entitlement. Took me years to slowly disentangle myself from her expectations and continual disappointment. So I agree with the PP who said don't agree to take turns as it will come back to haunt you if you need to make changes at some point in the future.

We had a similar argument with a family member who was, frankly, useless. There has been a slight improvement since but it helped us to realise that they were being the best parent they could be and it's not actually their fault that's still not very good.

In our case they treat the boys and girls differently but it's learned behaviour from their own parents. Perhaps there's something similar that would help you see this isn't a reflection on you?

Obviously even if there is a reason they're hurting you it doesn't make it for them to do it. Make sure you take care of yourself and please do tell the people who have been their how much they mean to you.

I wouldn't even be taking "turns" if it were me. Your parents have no right to make demands when they can't make any effort themselves. Stick to your guns and have a lovely time with your PILs.

As a maternal and paternal GP I say stick to your guns OP. Do whatever’s best for you and dc.

Sometimes all my dc and DGC turn up at mine for Christmas dinner. Sometimes some of them have plans to spend Christmas elsewhere. It’s not the end of the world. I catch up with DGC when convenient for everybody. Christmas isn’t only one day

OP well done....I've spent so many years trying to ensure the 'perfect family Christmas' with my family and finally realised I couldn't...it's now your time to create YOUR family time at Christmas with whoever...and it sounds like a great place to start is with your in-laws 😊

My only regret after marrying my DH was my in-laws who in over 25 yrs have never asked me one thing about myself. They still know very little about me and his dad didn’t even come to our wedding.
@ConfusedMumma99 of course they want the same thing though, mainly PHOTOS, they love the appearance of having us all there.

I have always been kind but I don’t make effort with people who obviously couldn’t care less about me. Unfortunately I was orphaned as a teen so don’t have family support.

Well done on speaking your mind to your family, that's a big step along the path towards having an adult to adult relationship with them.
Next time, try to stay calm when you tell them what you are going to do. Try not to let them emotionally blackmail you, and hopefully you can all work towards an amicable grown up relationship, rather than them pressuring you to do what they want.

A word of warning about setting annual events in stone, and sharing or taking turns. This creates huge expectations from people, all creating pressure and tension for you.
The time will inevitably come where it is inconvenient for you to do what "has always" been done, and there will be massive upheaval when you try to change it.
So keep things flexible from the start, don't commit yourself far ahead, then you can choose what is best for you and your family unit.

"so I lost it."
No, you didn't lose it. You found it. Found your voice. Well done!

"my parents have gone on about how they want to get pictures of alll their grandkids together."
Translation - they want to show these pictures to their friends and pretend to their friends that they are fantastic grandparents. And they need you to knuckle under to allow them to lie.

"I had expectations of my parents when I had a child. Rightfully or wrongfully so. I guess my expectations were based on how my siblings were supported during there times of having kids."
"My sibling has not even acknowledged my child’s existence. Didn’t even get a congratulations when child has born."
I'd bet good money that there's a history of you being treated differently to your siblings. And what you are experiencing now is just more of the same shit they've been dishing out for a long, long time. I suspect if you google 'Golden Child and Scapegoat', you'll find it familiar. Be assured, the fault lies with your parents, not you.

"I feel guilty but DH says that he thinks this is because I’m sad about what the relationship should have been."
I agree with your DH. And I think you should shake yourself free of this sense of guilt, because you have done nothing wrong. Spend your time with the people who care for you - DH's family. They will cherish you and your child.

You are not unreasonable at all. Are both grandparents local? Do you always travel alternative years?

Make an effort with those that do for you. Plus there isn't just Xmas day to make plans over Xmas.

Well done you got standing your ground - you have done the right thing. Enjoy your very first Mummy Christmas with your DH and lovely in-laws and precious little boy.

I agree with your husband as to why you feel sad - I had a similar thing with my MIL re our DS (her only grandchild) and I'm sad that she didn't see him as much as she could /be involved with him but ultimately it was her choice

@WhereYouLeftIt i never replied when I saw this, I was in a bit of an emotional cloud. But your comments really validated me, thank you so much for your words.