To politely ask her to not contact DS again? *[content warning: mentions attempted suicide]

[bmwam3]

Before I get replies saying imagine how she feels etc, I've been in her situation more than once with DS so I know how she feels and I empathise with her.

Anyway, DS is 17 he was in a relationship with his best friend a few months ago, they broke up and had the usual teen drama but they then decided to be friends again up until a few weeks ago when the ex told DS he wanted to get back together so after DS distanced himself from him.

I've now found out a few days ago ex was messaging DS and asked if he wanted to meet up as they hadn't seen each other for a while, DS said no and the ex then told DS he still loves him. DS didn't reply.

Ex attempted suicide a few days ago also and is still in hospital, DS only found out yesterday when his mum messaged and told him as he'd written him a note. DS seemed ok as he said that he's going to be fine etc (DS is also autistic and doesn't really react to things like this he tries to act positive). The mum has been messaging him today and has asked DS to visit him as he might die, that her son would want him to as he's the only person he left a note for etc. DS said no and she's still been messaging him asking him to as she doesn't have anyone else to ask as he has no friends that she knows of and she even asked him how he'd feel if he didn't and he died, DS then got upset and said he wants to see him when he's fine so not at the moment, he doesn't want him to die and he was blaming himself for not seeing him and not replying to the message he sent. I have tried to gently encourage him to go (for the reason the mum said although I didn't say that to him) but he's said he doesn't want to

WIBU to politely ask her to stop contacting DS?

You would not. He’s already told her no and she’s still hassling him. She is his ex’s mother and responsible, your son is a peer and friend but cannot be expected to step into what is a parental role and actually if he does try and take responsibility for nurturing his friend out of the aftermath of a suicide attempt it will, speaking from personal experience, permanently and irreparably fuck up the power balance of the relationship so that they can’t relate as equals.

I might help him draft a reply now along the lines of “I’m really sorry to hear about x’s attempt, I care about him deeply. I have already said I don’t want to visit at the moment, but will look forward to seeing him when he’s recovered a bit more. Please stop pushing me to do what I’m not comfortable with.” (Rather than what I ended up doing which was standing on the phone to friend’s mum in floods of tears saying “fucking parent your own fucking child you fucking useless fucking mother. I’m done.” - do not recommend for anyone.)

I wouldn’t be polite.

she’s trying to emotionally manipulate him. Not on.

Why have you tried to encourage him to go?
This kid is mentally unwell and is trying to make your son feel responsible for his suicide attempt (which was possibly just done to get your son's attention back).

Your son needs to stay well away from this kid.

Get your DS to block the mum and the ex. This is not his responsibility and he shouldn't be coersed in to it.

YANBU - your son has his own vulnerabilities, and he is your first priority.

I would be firmer, I’m afraid. What she is doing and saying to your son is not acceptable.
I would message her back and ask her to let you know how her son is doing but please not contact your son directly. If she ignores that and persists, I would suggest to your son that he blocks her number.
I have a friend who was in a very similar situation with her daughter - she took this approach and the parent apologised. Their child pulled through, but the repeated requests to visit him were very upsetting. The relationship had finished because of his extreme neediness - and then his mother was asking her to visit after his suicide attempt.

Sorry if I've got you wrong, but I think you're the poster who made a thread recently about a controlling BF?
Either way, your DS is best left out of this and his mother should be ashamed of herself trying to coerce him.
And if you're the same person, I would ask your DS if he would like you to block both of them for him. Your DS has been through enough.

I'd be giving her one warning that leaves her in no doubt about the next steps you'll take if she contacts DS again and if she ignores it then I'd report her for for harassment Tbh.

YANBU, but try to give the woman a break. If my child had just attempted suicide, I don't think I'd be thinking entirely straight.

It wouldn't be good for either of them to have contact anyway. The ex will just want to convince the DS to have a relationship with him again and DS might feel that he has to agree to this as ex has just attempted suicide. It won't solve anything for the ex. And it would be an awful position for the DS to be in.

It's a sad situation but yanbu.
You need to.protect your son, its not his responsibility
Tell the mother you are sorry about the situation, hope the lad recovers but please don't contact your son again x

Needs a TW in the title pls

I believe this is a question that needs to be answered by a mental health professional and not a bunch of strangers on the internet. This said I hope that teen and her mom are getting professional help because it sounds like they really needed it. They’re playing a massive guilt trip on your son OP and he should stay very very far away from these two because they’re not right in the head.

Honestly if that was my child I would be sending a very firm and clear message

“DS has informed me that you have been messaging asking him to go and visit x in hospital. He was very clear that he did not wish to do this, but you have persisted to ask him and have attempted to emotionally black Mail my son by asking him how he would feel if x died. I hope x gets better soon and is receiving the care they require but please do not contact my son again”

"WIBU to politely ask her to stop contacting DS?"
Not unreasonable, but probably ineffective - she wouldn't stop. You're going to have to be quite blunt, and point out to her that DS visiting his ex in response to ex's apparent suicide attempt would effectively reward ex for attempting suicide - get him what he wants, your DS! And is likely to lead to further apparent attempts to force your DS to visit. Is that what she wants? To encourage her son to risk his life again and again because that gets the result he wants?

"I have tried to gently encourage him to go (for the reason the mum said although I didn't say that to him) but he's said he doesn't want to"
Stop encouraging him, in any shape or form. Your son doesn't want to, and it's not in his ex's best interests.

No I wasn't that poster about the controlling bf, when they were together they seemed happy although they did spend a lot of time together and DS wanted him to stay over often which we (me and the other mum) did allow as they'd slept over many of times in the past as friends etc and we didn't really have a reason to say no. They were together for a few months then they broke up due to them arguing a lot and they thought they'd be better as friends again which they were until ex wanted to get back with DS which was a few weeks/a month ago I think and since then they hadn't had contact until the other day DS said as he'd distanced himself as he didn't want him thinking they were going to get back together.

By encouraged I told him he could if he wanted to and that it was 100% his decision and when he said no I asked if he was sure and that was it.

He got upset again before he went to bed as he told me about a few months ago when they were friends, his ex said he had no one and DS had told him that had him and he got upset saying he lied to him etc. He was also saying he does want to see him but I'm unsure if it’s his own choice or the most likely scenario he's being influenced by the things the mum was saying and him feeling guilty (although he has nothing to feel guilty for).

Good lord, I think if I were in your situation, I'd be swearing through the screen and making it abundantly clear that she needs to stay the fuck away from your son, and never contact him again.

God some of the replies on here are harsh. Yes, you and your ds need to maintain and communicate his boundaries but I am sure you can do it in a kind way.This poor lady's son has just attempted suicide, she must be beside herself!

Are you absolutely sure it's the mum messaging and not the son trying to get a reaction out of DS? If so, then I wouldn't be at all pleased that she's having a bit of an emotionally manipulative conversation with my child without actually speaking to you - as in "hi OP, I'm going to ask DS if he'd want to come see my DS as he really is quite ill and we don't think he'll make it.." Even if she's not thinking straight I do think it's odd she's spending time messaging DS instead of just being with her son.

If I were you, I'd message her and say I've had a conversation with DS, and although he cares deeply for (son) he doesn't feel he's strong enough to see your DS at the moment. I would appreciate if you could please communicate through me as this has been quite hard on DS.

Your son does not need that woman's words in his head, whatever happens.

Yes, it's definitely the mum as DS has shown me the messages.

DS is still saying he wants to see him but I know it's because he's been asked multiple times, not because he genuinely wants to. The mum has been asking again and told him he wouldn't have to stay long etc but she wants to show him that someone else cares about him other than her and his dad.

Have you ever experienced being vulnerable and someone trying to coerce you into a supportive relationship with a person who’s recently tried to kill themselves when you don’t feel able to offer that person what they need?

Not trying to be incendiary but if you’ve been lucky enough to mostly experience the tea-and-chat my-door’s-always-open sort of mental health support as commonly discussed on social media, but not the secure unit/hospital/implied responsibility for someone’s death or near death sort, they probably do sound harsh. If you’ve dealt closely with serious mental illness and its fallout, they probably don’t.