How to act with someone you're not sure likes you

[Tired66]

I met her for the first time the other day. I walked in and said, 'Hey you alright' and smiled, she just said 'hi' quietly and gave a slight smile, and didn't say a word until I introduced myself etc.

All throughout the day she didn't speak unless she was spoken to by me but was perfectly chatty with the others, so I don't think she was shy or anything.
She'd reply to what I said but then not go into further conversation.

I'm going to have to work with her more regularly but not looking forward to it tbh. I was perfectly nice all day and smiling, don't think I was rude at any point. Sometimes people just dislike you for irrational reasons. She hasn't known the other colleagues long but still was chatty with them.
Have you had people like this at work? Maybe I just need to be professional but nothing more

She doesn’t owe you conversation or friendliness. Once she’s civil and professional, just act the same towards her.

No, she doesn't, it's just uncomfortable as she was moreso with the others

It's just a bit uncomfortable being singled out in such a small team. But I'll act accordingly

I know this isn't the point, but I hate being asked if I'm alright when people actually mean hello. Sometimes I'm not alright

Hi OP, I worked with a woman like this. Chatty to the other members of the department clique, pretty much looked through me unless we needed to talk about work, when she was polite and professional (as was I). She was never rude but just acted for the most part as if I wasn't there. I never got to the bottom of it but she was like this with people in other departments as well.

Behave impeccably and worry more about what you think of her than what she thinks of you - because you have no influence over the latter.

I wouldn't take it personally, just be professional. I don't think you could enter a drink and say hi in a way that would make you instantly dislikeable!

Maybe you remind her of someone unpleasant, or share a name with someone etc. I once had a yoga teacher who was the spit of my ex's mum, I took an instant and irrational dislike to her.

Yeah she's not worth worrying about I guess. Maybe it's just who she is, sometimes people can just be a bit funny. I'm there to do my job and that's it I suppose.

Two options:

1. Observe what you see. No assumptions, interpretations or motive questioning. You can't read her mind and you never will be able to. So you really have no alternative.
2. Ask her.

I suspect she is anxious/self-conscious or socially awkward. If its just you then I'd ask myself what am I doing that may be misinterpreted? Do you have resting bitch face? You can SAY nice things but still look like you wanna shout at someone.

Maybe I just need to be professional but nothing more

Yes because she’s your colleague not friend.

I don't like alright? Either. I prefer a plain hello!

Act as though you know she likes you.

Years ago when I was just out of college I had a job waitressing, I got on well with everyone I worked with apart from one of the chefs, despite the fact I was always friendly and we'd never had a cross word he seemed to go out of his way to be unpleasant if he even bothered to acknowledge me at all, I later found out from a colleague that he'd mentioned he couldn't stand me because I reminded him of his stepmother !! You just can't get inside people's heads I'm afraid.

I get the thing about the you alright, but surely it's not a reason to decide not to like someone. Anyway it's part of life I guess, it won't be the last time. I'll just communicate with her if I need to and nothing more. We're only colleagues indeed

This all sound a bit mad, OP. You seem to be overlooking the fact that she presumably knows the other people she works with longer than you, even if she hasn't known them long -- why would you expect her to be exactly the same with you as she is with them, when she's only just met you? If you're going to be working together, it's natural to be a bit cautious, while remaining professional, surely?

She's known them literally 2 days longer, but still, maybe it is that. I'll try not to give it any more headspace anyway, it isn't worth it.

But that's enough time to figure them out a bit. Do you need new colleagues to perform 'liking' and 'instant friendship' at you, OP? Because I'm a friendly, sociable person, and I'm initially cautious when I encounter a new colleague I'm going to be working closely with, because I will be spending a lot of time with this person, but it's not a friendship. It might turn into one I've met some of my best friends at work but at the beginning, I'm certainly thinking entirely of what they'll be like to work with.

Perhaps it's time to take the Michael Myers mask off?

She's keeping a cool distance from you because your crass greeting indicated a mannerless oaf.

It sounds as though she is projecting on to you some issue of her own. If so, it is not fair but there is nothing you can do about it except to be yourself. Don't try too hard. Say hello and leave it at that. Sometimes when people project on to others something that is nothing to do with them, when they get to know the real person as opposed to the one they suppose they are, they might change in how they are towards that person. But often, sadly, they don't have enough self-awareness or self-honesty to do that. Play it cool and just be yourself but keep your friendly overtures to a minimum.

I loathe meeting new people. I can't do small talk at all.

Once I've known people a couple of days, then I'm fine, a generally know enough about them to make conversation, but god those first two days are rough.

Generally with someone new I sit and listen in on convos they have with others, until I'm comfortable to let them in. I know I come across as rude, but I really am struggling in those moments, whereas if you saw me with my mates you'd think I was the most outgoing person around.

This person may be similar, or she may be a dick. Either way, just be polite and hopefully she'll warm up to you.

'mannerless oaf' i assume this is sarcasm 😂😂

I think the person is referring to your greeting of 'Hey you alright'. You clearly don't think this is an odd, rude or abrupt way of greeting a new colleague, but the fact that several posters have said they would find it so should alert you to the fact that your new co-worker might have found it strange, and hence had a negative first impression of you.

I realise we're not getting facial expression or tone in your account, but I would possibly have found it odd. It's definitely not something I would say to anyone, regardless of context.

I've read some things on here but calling somebody a mannerless oaf for saying 'hey you alright?' to someone has to be one of the most batshit ever on here. What do people take?!

Where I live, 'you alright?' would be taken as a standard casual social greeting, with or without the 'hey' preface. It's not an interrogation about whether anyone is, or isn't, alright, and an 'alright?' in return would be perfectly acceptable.
This colleague might turn out to be your best friend in time, OP, or maybe she wants to keep you at arm's length for whatever reason. There's no point dwelling on it for now. Be as warm and professional with her as you are with anyone else. It's all you can do if you think someone's being a bit chilly towards you.