Was my DMs response OTT?

[Peedoffo]

My DM is 60 she's had some health issues , nothing major. I was sorting out my life insurance policies, doing my will and advanced decisions( I work in healthcare). I was discussing my life insurance and will with my DM. I asked my DM what would her wishes be if she got poorly lost capacity / passed away. I asked it in a very sensitive way. I've seen many people have sudden strokes etc and there's no documentation about the person's wishes..

My DM started crying saying what a horrible thing to talk about , she's shocked etc. She text saying what a horrible difficult conversation . I apologised.
She did say a couple of things about her wishes. Me whe my DH are quite open talking about stuff.and know each others wishes.

Is discussing illness/death really so taboo? It happens to us all. It seems so ridiculous.

I think it’s important to ensure this stuff is in place, but sometimes it forces people to be reminded of their own mortality (especially in their 60s/70s) which can provoke an emotional reaction. My father had a similar thing, he had a particular week where a friend of his age had died, he found out he was going to be a grandfather for the first time - and they he received some targeted junk Mail about funeral plans and he really freaked out - because the whole week had felt like a reminder of time marching on!

I hope your DM gets over her initial upset (and it sounds like she is if she’s answering your questions) as you’re absolutely right it’s very important to have these questions answered, and many people are caught off guard when they’ve avoided it.

We freely discuss this at home (I also work in healthcare) but I think it’s really wrong to assume that others will be as comfortable as you are with these conversations. You are talking about death, it’s uncomfortable for a lot of people.

Same as I find talking about bodily fluids while eating a sandwich absolutely fine but get that it’s offensive towards others.

My dad cried (and he never cried) when I asked him about it, and was cross with me. I think it was the reality of what was to come. But I told him that I was going to have to make decisions for him and mum (who had dementia), and I needed to know what their wishes were going to be, so he did tell me.
And when dad died suddenly, right at the beginning of lockdown 1 and I had to make an instant decision on undertakers, funeral (or not as it was), and then fairly shortly after make big, big healthcare/end of life decisions for mum it really did help me, so it was worth the upset

I think for huge numbers of the population this is just really taboo. I think it's ridiculous. But I respect their feelings.

When I hit 60 EON sent a letter trying to discreetly say that they had extra help for older people by never actually saying the word old.
My favourite was their knock and wait facility.
I then got a Merseyside travel pass.
And free prescriptions.
What’s not to like.

I don’t get people being upset about the risk of death and disease, it’s a certainty that has to be faced.

I really do not understand people being so uncomfortable with these discussions. In my family/ culture death is discussed and is so much more open. I do appreciate that it isn't the case for others and respect that everyone is different. I would just find it so difficult to deal with. I only have one living parent, but I know what needs to happen in the event of serious illness and have for many years. They have a wee file with everything needed by the executor, the details of the funeral plan they have etc. We will not have to be making decisions, or planning anything. My parents both had all that done before they were 50.

It's not taboo but 60 is still young even with minor health concerns. She possibly feels that you think she's got one foot in the grave! It's a shame because it's a useful conversation and you have to time it right, different people respond differently but I think you'd have had more success if she was 70+.

I'm 30 but we regularly have these chats me and dh. Because that's life. Things might change. I don't think I will feel differently in my 60s as I am used to talking about it now.

But if its never been talked about then it probably was a shock. But that's not.your fault

You should have this conversation sooner rather than later. I don’t think 60 is too early! I’m only 40 and we already have power of attorneys etc in place if the worse happened. And our Wills are incredibly detailed. My mum got dementia in her 60s and it was a bloody nightmare to sort out her affairs. Get it done!