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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry DP doesn’t remember what lockdown was like for me.

28 replies

Rainallnight · 27/11/2022 08:32

We have two DC. Youngest is in Reception. I commented to DP that youngest is making faster progress with learning and that it’s not surprising because eldest was in Reception in lockdown and wasn’t actually there a lot of the time.

DP said ‘oh but that doesn’t make sense. School was only closed for the odd week here or there’.

School was actually closed for fucking months and I was on my knees. I cannot believe they don’t remember and are so casual about this time of our life.

Our eldest has some additional needs and lockdown was really, really hard going. I took time out of work to look after the DC and my mum had just died. So I was on my own with the DC all day while DP worked upstairs. Eldest DC was often quite violent during this period.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ReneBumsWombats · 27/11/2022 08:44

He can't be very involved at all if he doesn't remember the school closures. Is he generally useless and disengaged?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/11/2022 09:22

What a prat!

I agree, doesn’t sound like he’s particularly involved with his own children. I’d expect even someone without children to know the schools were closed for months tbh.

Lovetotravel123 · 27/11/2022 09:23

YANBU

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/11/2022 09:23

Apologies, you didn’t say he, but I suspect I didn’t imagine a woman being so lacking in empathy

girlmom21 · 27/11/2022 09:25

I think it's pretty easy to forget how tough it actually all was, to be fair.

It was a strange time and, if he worked all the way through, I can understand why he remembers it differently.

Squiblet · 27/11/2022 09:27

That sounds SO frustrating and you would not be unreasonable if you tried to communicate your feelings about it to your partner. Not to guilt them out, but just to avoid resentment building up on your part, and to build a bridge over a gap between you that, if left untouched, could easily grow wider

Ilovemybed2022 · 27/11/2022 09:38

i think I’d want to wring his neck. It was fucking horrendous. We both worked ft through it with a 4 year old: my work was massively busy. I also had professional exams. Took a nervous breakdown in the September of 2020.

when they announced the schools were to close again in early 2021, I cried for a full day as I couldn’t believe we’d have to go through it all again .

Gunpowder · 27/11/2022 09:42

Aargh this would really annoy me too. I found lockdown horrific for similar reasons. I had to write a document the other day on the impact of Covid on my business and when I added up the schooling stuff it was eye opening. Not just the formal lockdowns but local school closures, bubbles bursting, quarantine for two weeks because they had a temperature or had been in contact with an infected person. It wasn’t just a few weeks, it was two years of disruption.

On the flip side, isn’t it a protective feature of our brains that we have a tendency to prioritise remembering the good parts of a situation? When I speak to people I think there is sometimes already a tendency to romanticise lockdown as a rather wonderful time when we chatted to our neighbours and baked bread and grew tomatoes and went on family bike rides and it was a glorious summer. In reality it was quite scary and I slowly went mad, drinking too much each night and trying to home school two kids with toddlers around while my business crashed, but it was interspersed with some of the good bits. Maybe your DP didn’t have the same experience as you (I think Covid was generally harder for primary caregivers) but maybe their brain just hasn’t remembered it all and they need a gentle reminder.

BCBird · 27/11/2022 09:46

I feel for u. I'm a teacher and van definitely remember the amount of time school.eas closed. I hated lockdown as I live alone. Absolute torture. Bubble system was too long coming. I can guarantee if your partner had sole control of childcare he would not have forgotten. Hat off to u.

paintitallover · 27/11/2022 11:20

I think this can be widened out to lots of stuff. I found that my DH used to think I was exaggerating the household tasks when we were younger. Because he didn't do many of them at all, and it didn't affect him. In my case it was lesson learned. I hope you make sure in future that tasks are shared more equally.

ReneBumsWombats · 27/11/2022 11:46

paintitallover · 27/11/2022 11:20

I think this can be widened out to lots of stuff. I found that my DH used to think I was exaggerating the household tasks when we were younger. Because he didn't do many of them at all, and it didn't affect him. In my case it was lesson learned. I hope you make sure in future that tasks are shared more equally.

Did you stop doing them?

GerbilsForever24 · 27/11/2022 11:52

here's a link to school closure info perhaps send it on?

Admittedly, reception children weren't off as much as other children, but I am very clear that DD was off a great deal and was in reception in March 2020 when lockdowns first happened. She only got a full year of school in Year 2.

thelobsterquadrille · 27/11/2022 12:01

I think it's quite common not to realise the reality of certain situations if you're not directly involved.

Which says to me that he needs to buck his ideas up and get more involved with his children and with childcare.

Stompythedinosaur · 27/11/2022 12:03

Yanbu I'd be furious.

Grumpybutfunny · 27/11/2022 12:04

Our school for DS year had 6 weeks off in both lockdowns with a full timetable done remotely it was horrific trying to balance everything. As a scientist the second one when we knew more about it was infuriating as it worked it's way through the house as a very mild cold. Just looking back on it infuriates me how much the kids missed out on for other peoples benefit. I don't think we will ever get over how unfair it all was.

WeAreAllLionesses · 27/11/2022 12:09

When I speak to people I think there is sometimes already a tendency to romanticise lockdown as a rather wonderful time when we chatted to our neighbours and baked bread and grew tomatoes and went on family bike rides and it was a glorious summer.

It WAS like this for a lot of people - just not those with young children.

Notimeforaname · 27/11/2022 12:09

It's easy to forget these things. And he didn't live life as you, inside your head.

I think YABU to be so angry with someone for not remembering something. Its hardly his fault.
Forgetting isn't a mean thing to do to someone.

It just happens.

thelobsterquadrille · 27/11/2022 12:13

WeAreAllLionesses · 27/11/2022 12:09

When I speak to people I think there is sometimes already a tendency to romanticise lockdown as a rather wonderful time when we chatted to our neighbours and baked bread and grew tomatoes and went on family bike rides and it was a glorious summer.

It WAS like this for a lot of people - just not those with young children.

Exactly. Lockdown as awful for millions, but equally, for many others it was just a long holiday.

I couldn't work through the first lockdown and honestly, it was lovely. Gorgeous weather, lie-ins, lazy days in the garden, long dog walks down the beach which was deserted as there were no tourists around.

But if you dared to say that on here, you got leapt on.

Notimeforaname · 27/11/2022 12:15

I had a great lockdown too. Its ok for that to be the case for some people.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 27/11/2022 12:20

Its pretty shit of him, to be so flippant about something that was so hard for you. Irrespective of what it was, to downplay anything very upsetting as 'oh it was only a...' is a shit and unhelpful thing to say and completely invalidating of your feelings.

Also I know you were off work but surely he should have done more? Taken the kids in his lunch break/ caught up with their school work over the weekend etc?it sounds completely unfair that your life disintegrated for a while, when his carried on as normal, that's not really a partnership.

We had a 4 year old in reception and a 2 year old and it was hell trying to work and keep them entertained. If we didnt pull together and support each other it wouldn't have been possible. My husband got up at 5 to try and work before the kids got up and I'd work in the evenings. We both took turns in the day with them to tey and work around meetings. we did a lot of the school work at the weekends as it was impossible with the older one as the younger one needed so much attention. It was still fucking awful

Have you spoken to him about all of this?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 27/11/2022 12:21

"I had a great lockdown too. Its ok for that to be the case for some people."

I totally agree. But it's not ok for someone to 'have a great lockdown' while their spouse takes the full brunt of it and has an absolutely shit lockdown because of this

Notimeforaname · 27/11/2022 12:28

I totally agree. But it's not ok for someone to 'have a great lockdown' while their spouse takes the full brunt of it and has an absolutely shit lockdown because of this

I do understand what you're saying but forgetting what something was like for someone, really isn't a horrible, mean thing to do, it just happens.

If ops partner just left her to do everything then of course this is horrible and mean but I'm not sure if thats the case?
Ops partner had to continue working so things would have stayed almost the same for them in that sense and probably couldn't/didn't grasp how bad it was for op.

OP I'm sorry you had such a difficult lockdown.

PeachyPears · 27/11/2022 12:39

I think you’re being a bit over sensitive

People forget things, block stressful situations out, or simply move on.

paintitallover · 27/11/2022 12:48

@ReneBumsWombats Not quite but I said I wanted to go to relate as a few issues were bothering me, and not getting resolved, and it was addressed there. He didn't change overnight, but he did bit by bit.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/11/2022 12:55

It doesn't seem that long to me.

But that first lockdown was five months of being trapped in the house because of having/recovering from Covid whilst working fulltime throughout. Knowing that still doesn't change the fact time seemed to lose all meaning, though. Maybe if I'd have been capable of leaving the house in that period, I'd have been more conscious of the passage of time.

It was bloody shit, though. Especially the hoping I wasn't going to die bit. And I did almost go batshit by the time we got to the second lockdown at the prospect of being locked up inside away from fresh air and daylight for another 3 months.