Relationship

[Thrfeelinngsinthewaytrhurts]

Please help I am going out of mind please tell me if you got over your partners emotional affair . Just found out my partner had one 15 years ago and the hurt is unbearable .

15 years ago?
Try to get some sleep (and lots of water).
It'll feel better in the morning.

I’m assuming they had the affair when they were with you, so I wouldn’t get over it. They are no longer trustworthy, so I’d end it.

Thanjs for your kind words .They really helped 👍

*thanks

Thankyou message was aimed at you 👍

Also its mid afternoon next day and no I don't feel better . Guess living a lie for 15 years would mean nothing to you ? Just realised that's what I have been doing ( must be great to not have feelings ).

Even though it happened a long time ago, to you it happened yesterday.

What gas you husband said? How did you find out? What were the circumstances. All will impact on how you move forward with this.

She sent a message to him and I saw it . Its really all complicated and would be outing if OW was on here but yes it's like it happend now . My heart is breaking . Possibly even more as I feel I have been living a lie for so long ? No one in rl lnows ( everyone thinks he adores the ground I walk on ) lots of people would be deeply hurt if I told them . I could never do that . Really really don't think they had sex but they spent lots of time together and definitely kissed ((opportunity maybe never allowed for sex) . Tbh the intimacy of kissing and sharing time together hurts more than the sex part would . I can't believe how much it hurts 😢

It’s not an emotional affair. It’s an affair - they kissed. I’m not saying that to twist the knife, but because you shouldn’t minimise this and you shouldn’t accept him minimising either. If you don’t call it what it is - him cheating - then you can’t work through your feelings.

@Twizbe is spot on - to you it happened yesterday.

So treat it like the affair that it is and act the same way you would if it was yesterday. If it’s a dealbreaker for you - you can end it. If you want him to do counselling with you, insist on that. Don’t back down on what you need because it was 15 years ago, or someone is minimising it as “only” emotional.

That said… recognise that you have more to judge him on. Some people are able to re-gain trust after an affair. Maybe you’ll feel you have evidence of that because of the intervening years.

But put your needs first now - and expect him to do the same.

It lasted a few months but OW was bessoted with him 🤷‍♀️ he has had random text messages sporadically through the years ( sometimes years apart ) . Basically it has all came back to haunt him . I have no sympathy forhim , he led the OW on and betrayed me so he's certainly no victim ! Iknow he is honestly so remorseful and would do anything to keep me but atm I don't think I can do it 💔

I’m glad you can see that he’s no victim.
Aye, of course she was besotted 🙄
I’d be more forgiving if I were her husband I think - cheating on him for someone she was actually besotted with. Your husband’s excuse? These occasional messages have had no encouragement or even reply from him?

15 years is a long time ago unless you think it’s rekindled? In which case it’s a different ball game with some big decisions about how much you can or will tolerate. However if the message you saw is that old I’d try to put it behind you in the interests of your relationship if that’s what you want? Is he a good & loving partner now? Can you forgive him?

You need to talk to him & bring it out into the open. What has he got to say about going forward/your future together? Is he reassuring? Would couples counselling help?

If you think he’s still in the emotional loop with her, (or anyone else gif that matter) in your shoes I’d play the long game. No knee jerk reactions, just gather evidence/info/screen shots over a period of time and then shoot him down in flames having made a Plan A for the outcome.

Sending ((hugs)) OP.

Feel so bad for you, OP. I agree that you need to have that talk with him and counselling may help but ultimately you will need to have a huge amount of emotional strength and forgiveness to be able to move on. My previous husband betrayed me and I left him immediately as I knew I could not move past it, however, if my current DH of 21 years did this I think I would try to save our future. Good luck x

Thanks for all your messages . It was a long time ago and it did last for a couple of months . Yes they kissed and yes she has openly admitted she fell in love with him ( thought they were soul mares ) . I am going to see about councilling as I don't feel my mind has the capacity to deal with this on my own 🙁 . Right now I don't know how this will end but I will try .
I know he is full of remorse and will do anything I ask but it feels like a special part of our relationship is gone . I don't hold anything against OW she maybe pursued him but he should have walked away ! Actually feel quite bad for her that he led her on and in my books playing with someone's feelings is wrong ( another thing I wouldn't have expected from him ) . She has been texting / calling sporadically over the years and I think he thought that it would just stop ? ( think he actually feels a victim regardi g this !!) I told him hope she hounds him the rest of his life 😁 . Thanks again everyone as this is the first time I have had no one irl to speak to 💕

*noone to speak to irl

Given how long ago this happened,
It is worth talking through with a counsellor. The hurt is fresh for you, but the circumstances of you as a couple could be very different to those 15 years ago.

While this doesn't excuse the behaviour, it could be that knowing this will enable you to either move on together or separate.

Thanyou for your voice of reason Twizzle This is what I am planning to do . I really hope we can move forward .We were still in our teens when we got together and are grandparents now . We have been together most of our lives so I know I couldn't walk away without trying .I know I am the llove iof his life but I don't know if that will be enough . Right now we both feel broken . Its such a shame that something that teally means nothing can do soo much damage.

Why has the idiot not blocked her?

Incase anyone is interested he is an idiot when it comes to mobiles ( he only calls or texts ) he is unaware you can block and as you can imagine I haven't enlightened him .
Ow has been texting/ calling sporadically over the last 24 years !!! She text a few weeks ago and that is when it came out when I saw it ( but all drip fed to me ) . He had said about 15 years but I have since spoken to her .
I got her number from ohone bill as I had tried to ring her back but he had deleted her number ( at least he knows how to do that ) . I never saw any other texts as they were obviously deleted as they came in .
She has basically confirmed most things he had told me . She did pursue him and admitted she had fallen for him . What tipped me over the edge when I posted was he admitted kissing her . He had denied this previously even though I told him I NEEDED the truth to move forward .As anyone who has suffered this will tell you hearing he had lied was like discovering it all over again . I called a counsellor tonight and think we will be going .

Right now this minute I feell strong and that I don't need it but I know I could be all over the place tomorow 🙁 ( couldn't eat my dinner only hours ago for the tears for no reason ). Also I really don't have any bad feelings towards ow , obviously I wished she had no interest in my husband but ultimately the betrayal was from him. Hope this clears some things up 🙂

Also I would like to say thankyou to those who tried to help and for your kind words . I have been a long time lurker but never in a million years did I think I would ever need to post . I am lucky enough to have a great support network but unfortunately I couldn't discuss any of this with any of them . I really just wanted to say well done to those who genuinely try to help others . You really don't know the difference you could be making to someone. Keep up the good work and Thankyou ♥️

I'm glad you're feeling stronger and you're finding this thread useful.

The truth is so important here for you to be able to move on (in whatever way that is)

I really hope the counselling gives you what you need