Colleague making me very uncomfortable and wanting to leave - AIBU?

[Renegade1]

I work in a small team and have one colleague I have never really gelled with but things have gotten more uncomfortable in the last few months. This colleague sits diagonally across from me and I find her trying to make eye contact with me frequently which makes me uncomfortable and I feel like this is why she's doing it. I'm not someone who is uncomfortable with eye contact generally so this isn't the issue but we don't gel so I don't see why she keeps trying to make eye contact with me and if it's some kind of power trip for her.

Sometimes we can engage in small-talk and I will think we have made some progress but then she goes back to her awkward way of being very overly-critical and negative about me and my work even though it doesn't affect her. I can never say the right thing so it has gotten to the point where I will respond to her if she initiates a conversation out of politeness but don't initiate conversation with her as everything I say is twisted so it's not worth the aggravation frankly.

I don't expect to gel with everyone obviously but there is something about this woman's vibe and the fact she seems to keep trying to initiate conflict or uneasy conversations rather than just not interact with me. AIBU to want to switch teams or find a new job mostly due to this situation?

To give you an example, don't want to go into specifics as the probably reads this site but a client couldn't attend a meeting recently and she was telling me about this, I didn't care but again out of politeness I responded to her and said "Oh at least that's a happy reason for them having to cancel" and she was like "X isn't a happy situation for many people actually", just immediately making things awkward for no reason.

I would also appreciate any advice on how to deal with someone like this who seems to thrive on making everything awkward.

Tbh it doesn't sound like she's doing anything wrong or being unreasonable.

You say you struggle with eye contact, are you neuro divergent? It can be easier if you focus on someone's mouth or the spot between their eyes, or just above their eyes. These last two, people don't tend to realise you're not making eye contact.

When I want to discourage conversation, I keep my replies shorter than you're example but try to be careful not to be rude (I understand this may be harder for you if you have ASD).

Is she like this with everyone? Do others have similar issues with her or is this attitude reserved for you as opposed to being her personality? I would keep a secret record of anything she says or does that makes you feel uncomfortable and when it happened/ who else was in the room. If it gets to the point where you feel she's being a bully then it will give you evidence and a pattern of behaviour to go to hr with. If she's like this with everyone then you could just go to your manager if they're understanding and explain that you're struggling to deal with her for xyz reasons, that you've taken some steps to try to build rapport and handle it yourself but now you need support as it's affecting how happy you feel in your job. I'd go with some solutions if possible, maybe a move in desks or something to put distance in between you. Could it be that she is socially awkward and unaware of how she is coming across to you or do you feel sure that there's malice behind it rather than that she just has a grating personality?

If you're really struggling I'd see if you can move desks, but a tall leafy pot plant and some headphones might do the trick.

@DuchessDandelion op said they don't normally struggle with eye contact I think you might have misread that bit. But I'm wondering if the colleague might be neurodiverse

I’m not sure she’s doing anything wrong here, just maybe misreading signals? I struggle with this sometimes and might come across a bit odd when I’m just trying to be friendly. I certainly wouldn’t want to come across as weird but I know from people who have known me a while that I can come across a bit odd or intense at the beginning. I can’t imagine she means to be making you feel this way.

What makes you so sure she reads this site?

@Cw112 I did, thank you for pointing out nicely!

If she's being aggressive, op, then definitely document and address as per pp said.

As we're a small team and I sit nearest to her, I would say probably the majority of her interactions is the awkward small-talk with myself, her conversations with other members of the team are even more minimal.

Several clients I have observed stating she is rude/condescending to them, some of this I have witnessed so I guess you could say this is part of her personality to behave like this.

I don't necessarily feel like she is bullying me, I just find it odd she initiates conversations just to be obstructive and twist everything I respond to a negative when it isn't intended that way at all. I also wish she would concentrate on her work rather than looking over at me as we're not friends so I don't know what she is expecting from doing this. If this is someone I felt comfortable with I would acknowledge their eye contact and maybe smile but because it's her I just pretend I can't see her and it's so awkward.

Get a second monitor and a pot plant, op. You'd be suprised how effective it is.

If you look up and she’s staring at you, stare back and raise an eyebrow.

Say as little as possible when she talks to you. In that example when she talked about the cancellation a “thanks for letting me know” or “ok, anyone want a cup of tea.”

I don't mind people being quirky, I guess like everyone I have my quirks and I'm not super sociable but I like to think I have some self-awareness and wouldn't go out of my way to make other people uncomfortable.

From your post it sounds like you would initiate conversations by being friendly, this woman isn't doing that, she initiates conversations or makes observations that are critical of me most of the time so I don't understand why she doesn't just keep to herself if she has nothing nice to say.

I used to have a team mate sort of similar to this although she was nice enough. She just watched what everyone did and it make everyone feel a bit paranoid. In the end up the manager took her aside and pointed out the effect she was having on the team and I think she was mortified she really hadn't seen it in herself. I think some people can have a really critical view on things. We ended up doing personality typing training and it really changed things for me because she learnt that it's ok to point out a problem if you can give it with a solution, and I'm ever the optimist so I learnt to go to her to run an eye over my projects because she'd keep my feet on the ground and I'd pull her out of feeling nothing was possible. If you can work out what her strengths are and use those then it might help you both. Or just ask her nicely to reframe how she puts things across to you to make it more constructive where you're sharing learning. I would smile at her if she looks at you tbh, maybe I'm being a bit naieve but if she deals with you more than anyone else in the office maybe she feels you get on more than you realise?

She’s definitely looking and you and it’s not just where she looks when she looking into ‘space’ thinking?

I agree with the suggestion about moving desks or a tall pot plant or something which will block her view (if possible).

I love cw112’s advice, if you have a supportive team and manager. It sounds like a really hard situation and there are some odd people out there. Sounds like a colleague of mine with a lot of MH issues. It was a kind of ‘open secret’- but no one would tell you so things often got to boiling point before new colleagues found out after complaining about her. But she was never really disciplined because ‘MH’. On a lighter note I’m picturing you with a load of photo booth props- every time she stares at you…slowly creep up the fake moustache…she might get so uncomfortable she stops!

IMO you need to stop being so nice and use your own power to your advantage.

If she’s trying to make you uncomfortable, even if you feel uncomfortable, never show that it makes you uncomfortable. I wouldn’t be moving desks as I’d see that as showing a weakness, but I would stick something up to block her view a bit.

If she cuts you off and makes things awkward, then do the same and put that awkwardness back onto her. Ie with that interaction you mentioned, you could say fairly bluntly something like “well I completely disagree with you”. You don’t have to be a dick or anything, but be assertive with your own views and own them.

Only talk to her about work if you need to to get a job done. If she comes over trying to start small talk to inevitably get a jibe in, if it was me, I’d just be blunt, ignore the shite she’s just said to me and respond with something completely unrelated to that and related to work. Ie “So have you finished x report yet? Can you get it to me by 3pm? Thanks.” And go back to working. If she wants to stand by your desk hovering like a dick then let her. You aren’t obligated to entertain her.

I had a situation with a coworker a little while ago (undermining me, being sexist), and it was really getting to me. Then I realised I was grown woman and I don’t need to take this shit anymore as I’m not in school. I completely changed my tone overnight. I became assertive, only spoke to them regarding work matters, and busied myself with work if they ever came over to hover near me. Ie go and print something off, or grab files to look over them. They soon changed their tune and 2 months later I’m finally sort of starting to talk about non work related things, but if that shit starts again you can be damn sure it’ll go straight back to no nonsense BirdyWoof.

I’d also raise these issues briefly with your manager so if things do go south, you’ve already logged it and you can proceed to HR and go through the proper processes. It’s always better to be transparent with your manager and let them know how things are, especially if clients are picking up on it. They will want to know if she’s giving off that impression to clients for sure.

The main take away points are to ultimately

• always cover your own arse and protect yourself
• don’t say or do anything you can’t back yourself on later
• always remain focussed on the job and avoid personal conversations
• don’t show her any weakness she can exploit. If you aren’t sure of a task you’re doing, never let her know. If you’re stressed, play it cool when she’s nearby. If she sees you faltering, she will exploit you. Don’t give her the opportunity even once.

I just find it odd she initiates conversations just to be obstructive and twist everything I respond to a negative when it isn't intended that way at all.

You have my sympathies, OP, I've been stuck working with people like this in the past. I find the best way to deal with them is to give them "the full half hour". They hate that. Because they bait you into saying things so they can show their superiority about how wrong you are and how much more they know about X, Y or Z. I've tried saying nothing and they just keep needling and then it seems to graduate into the backhanded compliments, then outright put-downs.

So take the bait with a topic you know well and counter whatever negative point they make. Stick them to the wall with words and just go on and on and on about it until they make an excuse to do something else then never ever bother you again. Don't stop at the point when they make the excuse though. Keep talking at them a bit more. When they finally get away, they'll almost certainly avoid you forevermore.

Can you suggest a room change so you are not sitting in her eye line. Or a desk swap. Could you confide in your manager that you find her seeking eye contact distracting