To put in for child maintenance yet?

[Coopycoops]

Genuinely appreciate all you're thoughts on this.
Dp of 22 years left 2 months ago, did the classic disappeared for few days, no texts calls etc, came back told me he wanted to finish with me, didn't want to regret his life etc classic midlife crisis going on there, lost a ton of weight. I supported him moving out thinking he needed some space, found out there was another woman all along for the last 4 months of us living together.

Fast forward to now, as I discovered this fact I put a stop to him coming back to the house whenever he wanted. Now he comes to walk the dog and pick DS up.

and there lies the problem, he told everyone he was leaving to build a relationship with DS, I'd apparently turned DS against his dad (his dads been on a bit of a breakdown for the past 6 years, gave up work, returned to college, became a wannabe teenager all over again, Never put him first in years and their relationship is awful and so strained because of this fact) but sure, blame me whatever.

So now he will pick ds up on a Saturday morning around 10, take him swimming and bring him back around 1-2pm. thats it. thats all I get for free time. we alternate swimming lessons every Tuesday. but other than that its down to a text now and then to say goodnight to ds. not even consistency keeping in touch. he clearly wanted his absolute free single life. he has discarded all his old friends in favour of the new younger ones who have no commitments at all so he believes hes now one of them and has taken life advice from 20 year olds kids (were mid 40's). im left doing everything regarding parenting. he sees the dog more than his son.

At present his is continuing to pay the mortgage which is approx £400. but gives me absolutely nothing at all for ds. And I mean nothing. he should be paying £230 a month child maintenance but ive not applied yet as I can see he's on the verge of a breakdown and ive gone easy. but tonight I just saw that he's out in town with his new friends, wasting money he apparently doesnt have. Im trying not to get too pissed off but for gods sake, im here day in day out with ds who is 10, he gets every night to himself, almost the entire weekend and does absolutely nothing for him. he works mon-fri 9-5 but then he has all his free time.

do I apply and probably rock the boat or just leave it as him continuing to pay the mortgage and I take care of our son?

Sorry forgot to add - the other woman lives down south were up north, so he sees her once a month when he can afford to travel down there. his own mum told me she loaned him money for the last trip which really pissed me off, cos if he cant afford to get down there then why waste £80 on diesel in the first place.

If you ask for child maintenance is he likely to stop paying the mortgage would be my concern? Or is £400 his half of the mortgage?

Is he your partner or your husband? How have you contributed to the house (deposit and mortgage)? Whose name is it in?

You can absolutely apply for CMS now, but maybe take some advice on the house and his responsibilities first. Are you going to be able to buy him out or will you have to move? It’s not likely he’s going to pay the mortgage for another 8 years.

The mortgage is in his name but I have equity in the house (was my mums we bought of her cheap, she signed her half over to me as the deposit he got a mortgage for the rest).

deeds show as his house. I will be buying him out eventually and hes been cool about that I can stay as long as I need to (was my childhood home so he doesnt feel attached to it same way I do).

I have asked him for a tenants agreement. he was supposed to be switching over the mortgage to a buy to let one so I could legally rent it from him but hes drawing his feet over it and hasn't done a thing.

sorry should have added - i've paid all bills since we purchased it 12 years ago. only bill in his name is the mortgage and the virgin media. everything else in mine.

Just really want to do something to shock him that says you still have a child you are responsible for here.

Have you spoken to a solicitor

You could say this is what the CMS calculator says you need to be paying towards your child.

@chikp not yet. I did have an appt few weeks ago but got covid so cancelled. I know I need to do that again and seek actual legal advice though.

its just really annoyed me the fact hes left to go to a bed share apartment, where children aren't allowed after telling everyone he was leaving to build a better relationship with ds - then has abandoned him basically apart from the 3 hours a week swimming

I mean, he sounds like he’s being a pretty shitty parent... but... he’s paying £400 for a house he doesn’t live in, you won’t get that and maintenance.

Please tell me you protected your equity!

he’s not going to pay both CM and the mortgage that’s cheeky to be honest

Yeah I realise im better off in this position. But im beyond frustrated at how he is behaving. today ds was ill and it was his swimming day, id arranged to go meet a friend so I told the ex he could wait here while I went out and could spend time with ds that way?
he asked where iw as going, who with etc before he walked away and said he'd let me know?? then came back an hour later to watch ds , I said oh right you are going to then, and he said yes I said I would??? er no you dint mate, you walked off saying you'd call me later im not a mind reader.

Its annoying stuff like that, that really gets to me. im trying to be the best parent I can be, but ive been cheated on, my family fell apart and ive had everything dumped on me. I just dont know how much more I can take.

he moaned the other week saying he'd love to do more school runs, I told him ive never stopped him at all. he has since done 2. only because I had covid.

@HippeePrincess yes of course. all done legally.

I dont want hims o pay both - hes supposed to get me a tenancy agreement which he hasn't done. once thats in place I can pay rent properly until im ready To buy him out.

I want him to sit up and take note that he is a parent still and has responsibilities instead f running round with 20 yer old girls wasting his money on weekends out I want him to be the day he was in the beginning.

I'm sorry, I absolutely get the frustration of having no time to yourself but you need to separate that from the finances. If he is paying £400 pm mortgage and cm would be only £230, you're better off as you are. Having said that, you need legal advice ASAP to protect your interest in the house and your ability to stay there. By all means have a rant on here, the lone parents board is a good place for it, but other than in terms of calculating the number of overnights, his lack of engagement with your son means nothing financially and you aren't owed more because you are effectively providing him with childcare for what should be "his" 50% of the time. I did the maths once, after my ex fucked off. Childminder rates for the % of time above 50% that I did. He'd have had to pay about two grand a month 🙄 but of course it will never happen like that. Get legal advice.

He may be having fun now, but it won’t last long. His new relationships sound tenuous at best

the real question is what you want. From your posts it sounds like parenting support is more important than financial support, but in reality you can’t make someone parent better if they don’t want to. Raising the stakes financially is unlikely to result in more positive parental engagement.

Yes its parenting support id like, I appreciate hes doing a god thing paying the mortgage. I just want to wake him up a little bit. Im struggling myself as I come to terms with the fact hes left for someone who looks like me and has the same name as me too. my 22 year old relationship is done and its painful, but whats hurts more is the fact he told me repeatedly he was just leaving me, he has only moved 5 minutes away but barely sees ds? he could be over taking him to school, making packed lunches etc... taking him out for food, but it's literal crickets each day, until it comes to the weekends then he's over for swimming and back to his workshop, nights out with his new friends etc.

I know I have to play the long game here but Jesus im struggling with everything alone. I dont understand how he can be so careless with everything.

Ok I don't think your issue right now is the maintenance. What you're really crying out about is that sense of having someone else completely take your sense of control away. It takes time, but you have to accept you can't force anyone to want to parent. I felt the same as you..my ex was v hands on, an equal parent, til he left for ow and suddenly felt 4 days a month was adequate. I couldn't believe it. Took me a very long time to accept it. In reality what it means is that he had a huge input into what free time I had. The solution is to put other childcare in place, a babysitter, grandparents etc so your "time off" is not dependent on him. You will also be told it's wrong to want that time, regardless of how much time off he has. It's bullshit. You need to direct your anger in as constructive a way as possible.