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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not have sympathy - “man flu”

13 replies

Gem123J · 26/11/2022 19:07

I’ve reached my limit tonight. Probably lack of sleep is also a contributing factor to my annoyance and lack of sympathy!!

My husband has had a cough for the last 3 weeks now. He also has a high temperature on and off and has a mild chest infection so I get that he isn’t 100% at the moment but I’m running out of sympathy and I’ll tell you why…

he saw a GP last week who said his chest was clear and that he’s gotten over the worst part of the chest infection so just to let his body fight it on its own. He also said the cough would persist for a few weeks still.

he managed a night out with friends last weekend with no issues! Out from 3pm until 11pm. Obviously worse for wear the next day and lost his voice and had a tight chest, but he could well have been smoking as he does on nights out.

he was back in work this week and was away for 2 nights for a course and he hasn’t been feeling too good while he’s been away so I did sympathise with him, but I don’t think he’s been taking regular paracetamol and cough medicine to help.

my sympathy has worn out tonight because I get that he’s not well at the moment but I can’t seem to ignore the fact that our 4 year old daughter also had the same symptoms as him recently and I just kept her off school and made sure she’d drink a lot of fluids and I’d give her regular calpol. She still has a mild sinus infection but she just carries on as always. His Dad who is in his mid 70’s has also not been well and has been sounding really rough and awful and he still goes about his day, walking the dog, helping round the house etc. but my husband is like he’s the sickest person in the world and he simply cannot do anything other than lying down and moaning and groaning! He perks up when he wants to of course, he was even planning a game of golf tomorrow morning! But chores and making sure our daughter doesn’t destroy the house isn’t possible in his state.

I also was working last night, I got home at 8am, I work ‘awake nights’ so obviously tired today (as well as being 23 weeks pregnant), and I was only able to get 3 and a half hours of sleep in so obviously I’m not in the best of moods tonight! I’ve taken our daughter away for the afternoon so he could rest, and now I’m just fed up that I’m having to tidy up the house after everyone. The house has been so clean while he’s been away and 1 day back and everywhere is a mess!

I also had covid 3 weeks ago and was on my own with our daughter as he was away on another course, he stayed behind for 1 extra night to help
me but then was away for 3 days. I had a little bit of help off my Mum but otherwise I was cooking, I was looking after a child when I felt like crap, and I was making sure the house was tidy.

Aibu to be so annoyed or should I be a bit more sympathetic and patient?!

OP posts:
User359472111111 · 26/11/2022 19:12

YABU for being so unsympathetic. That’s not manflu (dislike the term but whatever) that’s a nasty cold and chest infection.

It may also be that he is BU, if he’s also not taking care of himself and in amongst these different work things he’s not doing his fair share of childcare.

serenaisaknobhead · 26/11/2022 19:14

If he went out with friends, can manage being away for work and is planning to play golf tomorrow then no, YANBU.

I'd be leaving DC with him tomorrow and spending the day with myself.

Spectre8 · 26/11/2022 19:19

You cant be that ill if your going out with mates or playing golf! Sorry but he is taking the piss. Either he is too ill to do anything or he's not that ill and can still do some chores.

I had nasty tonsilitus last week, was in bed all day with a fever. But im on my own there is noone to make drinks for me I had to get on with it and next day I went to the shops cos I know pineapple will fix my throat quickly and I felt so shit I barely had any energy to go but I had to.

Honestly sometimes men can really be really infuriating cos if they lived alone they would get on with it too.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 26/11/2022 19:24

"If he went out with friends, can manage being away for work and is planning to play golf tomorrow then no, YANBU."

Exactly.

I'd have sympathy if he was ill. But at 23 weeks pregnant and working shifts I wouldnt be running around after him when he was too poorly to do his share of housework or childcare but he was ok for a round of golf. And I think anyone who acted like that should be ashamed of themselves

whydontyoustay · 26/11/2022 19:40

I'm totally with you.

Mine has it and feels obliged to sigh loudly when he can't sleep so he wakes me up. He had a sick voice too,

User359472111111 · 26/11/2022 19:41

Actually, I have re-read the post and agree… YANBU. Golf, away for work too much, night on the town… and you are 23 weeks pregnant with a poorly 4 year old.

Agree with previous posters - can you leave before he does and go to a friend or family who will let you nap and then have a lovely day off?

Gem123J · 26/11/2022 20:11

Golf is not happening tomorrow anyway! I’ve said to him if he’s well enough to play golf he’s well enough to spend the day with us as we haven’t seen him for a few days, also since Sunday is our only “family day” because of work/school.

I’ve also been quite unwell in this pregnancy, and have been feeling very down because I’ve not been able to play with our daughter or keep on top of the house as much as I’d like to, and he knows this. I understand we’re not able to do much when we’re feeling a bit crap, but to me if you can go out etc. you should be able to parent a child and tidy around the house!

Anyway, he’s putting our daughter to bed while I have a “relaxing” bath which is always interrupted! And we’ve had a bit of a joke and he has said we know what he’s like when he’s feeling sick (as in dramatic because I joked he was dramatic when he did this silly forced cough and a moan!) so that’s lightened the mood a bit! I don’t do so well on such little sleep after a busy night shift! Especially after having to be the main responsible adult of the house too!

I don’t know if I previously stated that the GP checked his chest and it was clear so it’s not like I’m expecting a severely ill man to get on with it! He did have a chest infection but now apparently not, the GP informed him the symptoms of a high temp (which he has only occasionally, no other symptoms like aches, headache, sore throat), and the cough will also last a few weeks he said. It’s literally a cough he has and an occasional high temp that comes right down with paracetamol.

OP posts:
Gem123J · 26/11/2022 20:16

@Spectre8

exactly. I was on my own with Covid (well on my own with our daughter), and I had to just get on with it.

If my husband was on his own he wouldn’t get on with it though, he has a Mum who is more than willing to do anything for him so I bet she would be round taking care of him! He was definitely spoilt growing up, and she admits she did too much for him. So it shows when he’s ill, well it shows all the time! But more so when he’s under the weather. I have been the good wife and let him rest and not complained too much about all the mess he’s leaving around the place, but enough is enough! I have 1 sick day and have to get back to being responsible!

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Keyansier · 26/11/2022 20:22

Do you know how debilitating flu is? A flu can be actually life threatening. If he has got the flu you sound outrageously unsympathetic and I'd be unimpressed at your behaviour. If not, then you are both BU for calling a cold a flu, minimising the effect that actual victims of flu suffer.

Gem123J · 26/11/2022 20:30

I’m calling it “man-flu”, which doesn’t it mean an exaggeration of a cold?! That’s what I thought it was commonly known as when a man exaggerates their cough and colds.

I understand how debilitating flu is, I had covid while 20 weeks pregnant and alone with a 4 year old to entertain during half term out of all the times!

Never said flu, I said “man-flu” so I’m not

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 26/11/2022 20:31

Keyansier · 26/11/2022 20:22

Do you know how debilitating flu is? A flu can be actually life threatening. If he has got the flu you sound outrageously unsympathetic and I'd be unimpressed at your behaviour. If not, then you are both BU for calling a cold a flu, minimising the effect that actual victims of flu suffer.

Did you miss the going out with friends and golf?

And the doctor saying his chest is clear?

Gem123J · 26/11/2022 20:33

Gem123J · 26/11/2022 20:30

I’m calling it “man-flu”, which doesn’t it mean an exaggeration of a cold?! That’s what I thought it was commonly known as when a man exaggerates their cough and colds.

I understand how debilitating flu is, I had covid while 20 weeks pregnant and alone with a 4 year old to entertain during half term out of all the times!

Never said flu, I said “man-flu” so I’m not

Didn’t finish!

I’m not ‘minimising the effect the effect that victim’s suffer’. Sorry if you took it that way but I think others have understood the sarcasm of “man-flu” and my stating that the GP said his chest was clear etc. and that it’s simply a lingering cough and on and off high temp so I’m by no means undermining a person’s illness, because he is still able to go away, work, drink a large amount of alcohol and dance, and golf, so kind of seems like a mild illness at best.

OP posts:
Gem123J · 26/11/2022 20:35

So I had to look up the definition of “man-flu” in case I have put my foot in it and used the wrong terms which could offend…

Man Flu - “a cold or similar minor ailment as experienced by a man who is regarded as exaggerating the severity of the symptoms.”

So apologies that you’ve misunderstood my sarcasm for using the term to describe his current condition.

OP posts:
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