How to improve my life?

[Mooshamoo]

I had a really bad life. I had an abusive mother. She enjoyed torturing me.My father wasnt around at all. My parents divorced when I was 5, he met a new woman and he refused to see me again. I went to visit him once when he was an adult, and he told me he never wanted to see me again. I had no grandparents. My aunts and uncles were also severely cruel to me.

Im 38. I work from home and live alone. Because I was so severely abused when I was a child, I think that my brain was a bit damaged. For example I was isolated by my mother for long periods of time in a room and I think it has damaged my brain, and affected how I can talk to people. Im very traumatised, Im very disassociated, out of my body.

I have met one other woman who was severely abused as a child, and she is the same as me, kind of disassociated, not fully in her body, not fully all there, not able to connect with people. Trauma makes you disassociate.

If I meet people, people often think that I am odd and weird. So I have never made good friends. I live alone, and work from home,

I try to go to meetup groups, but people usually think that I am odd and weird, so then I get scared to go. I am odd, Im dissasociated, and a bit brain damaged and I cant connect with people. You would describe me as "not all there". I was so severely abused that Im just very damaged. So if I go to meetup groups, people think im really weird, and then i get too nervous to go.

How can this be my life for the rest of my life? I never had any family. I never had good friends, and Im not likely to make any, as people think im odd. Ive never had any love. When I wake up, Im haunted by memories of the abuse in the past, and then I suffer through my lonely life with no friends.

My brother, who had the same life as me, and went through the same abuse, also says to me that he doesnt want to live. That he has nothing to live for.

Ive had loads of therapy, nothing helped.

Im just not sure what I can do to help myself? Im 38. Ive never had any kind of life. The thought of fifty more years of this life makes me cry. Im not suicidal as I want to see it to the end, but I want my life to be slightly more bearable.

I'm so sorry, I don't think I have any answers but I wanted to bump for you.

You say you met a lady who felt like you. How did you meet her, could you meet again? Or chat online?

No I met her at a group years ago, in a different city, to where I am now. She was the first person I met that was kind of like me. You know when she was talking to people, she was very dissasociated and "not really all there". I asked people in the town about her, and they told me that she was very seriously sexually abused from a young age, and was very damaged.

When i met her as an adult, people were not nice to her, they were describing her as weird and odd. Even though they knew she had been very badly abused as a child, they still called her weird and odd.

I suppose that is just human nature.

I just feel like if you are abused as a child, even though it is not your fault, people call you odd, weird and strange, into adult hood.

I'm SO sorry that your life has been this difficult OP. I'm afraid I really don't know what to suggest other than to continue with any therapy you can get. Are there any chat groups online for people who have been through a similar start in life? Have you asked your GP if there is any other help that you can access? I really feel for you, and am so sorry that I don't know how to help, but hope that someone else will be along soon, who can offer something more useful. Can you perhaps explain what it is about you that people think 'weird'? I've just Googled, and found this web site, might this help? https://napac.org.uk/

I'm so sorry that you have been so badly treated in life. One thing I know is that the problem is with the abusers and not you. You didn't do anything wrong and you don't deserve to hurt.

Of course the abuse will have affected you but you can still have a live. I think you should give yourself credit for working, living independently and also seeking help. You don't have to suffer in silence and many people will feel as you do.

Does your work offer any therapy? Do you practice any spirituality? Maybe you haven't met your people yet but that doesn't mean you won't.

Oh you really have had it tough, it's no wonder you are feeling like this. Afraid I don't have any answers at all but one thing that might help is location. Did you return to the the city you are from (or did you move away from there)? Does the area remind you of your past? If you WFH could you look at starting fresh somewhere new, maybe nicer surroundings, closer to nature or the sea, which often helps with mental health.

I think you need to keep trying to seek out support groups for people from similar backgrounds and be around more people that 'get you'. I realise that is easier said than done but I wouldn't be surprised if others in similar situations find you on here and will hopefully connect with you (although be wary of people trying to take advantage of your vulnerability).

Another thing, I know you probably won't agree but you're probably not as odd as you think you are! Also, you sound like a very strong woman and for that - after everything you've been through - you should be very proud of yourself.

I am so sorry that these awful things in your past are damaging your present.

You say you have had lots of therapy. Have you tried EMDR therapy? It is supposed to be more effective than traditional therapy for extreme tyrauma, including dissociation/derealisation.

Have you looked into group therapy for peole who were abused or severely neglected in childhood? Even an online group might be a useful point of contact with people who really 'get' you. When you have been through the kind of trauma that other people just can;t (or aren;t willing to) understand, it feels wonderful to be in a room or on a Zoom with people who do.

Can you look at ways to improve your solitary life? I mean, for example - start swimming regularly. That's not at all sociable. Most people do it alone - but it is calming and healthy and in a weird way companionable to be doing laps of the pool with strangers. Same with using weights in a gym. Get a PT to give you a circuit and regularly update it. Just being in public places, doing what others are doing but without the strain of social interaction.

If you can sing in tune, choirs are good for minimal social interaction but still belonging. Turn up to practise, do a performance, but not much chitchat.

How about connecting with animals or nature? If you've been treated badly in childhood it can be easier to relate to a pet or help at a sanctuary, or foster ill wild animals and nurse them back to health - bird or hedgehog rescues. Would you enjoy community gardening or running an allotment. Nurturing plants or rescue animals is very rewarding.

There's lots to life beyond human interaction. If humans don't treat you well, you don't have to hope they will to find joy and purpose in life. Nature, animals, your own company, physical activity, music, art - any of these can make life worthwhile without you feeling you have to behave in a specific way in order to be accepted.

Can you meet up with your brother for some sociability - go to the cinema or to a show together or out for a drink or dinner?

So sorry that happened to you, I'm not surprised you feel a bit odd with such a non-normal upbringing.

People do generally want 'easy' friends, it's down time so they don't want to work at it. That doesnt mean you'd never meet anyone willing to take time to get to know you, but there are fewer people out there who'd be suitable.

Agree with pp that you can definitely improve your life without friends. Find things you love to do that don't rely on getting on with others. These things are more likely to have neuro divergent people who feel like you participating and so you may well find friends who recognise that building a friendship takes work.

EMDR isn’t recommended for prolonged, stacked, repeated traumas.

How are you with looking after yourself, eating regularly etc. Because, if you are fine with those things (I am rubbish by the way, so it’s not a judgmental question rather a question) have you thought about getting a dog?

They are great company, give you someone else to look after and a reason to go out each day. Dog walkers tend to say hello to each other and you always have at least one topic in common to talk about.

"can you explain what it is about you that people think are weird".

Physically I look weird. I'm not sure what exactly the abuse did to my Brain in childhood, but my nervous system was affected.

My mouth permanently droops, it hangs to one side, my neck isn't in the correct position, k can't keep my neck up straight, it kind of stays in a weird angle down to my chest. I also have a lot of nervous tics. I jump alot. And my body shakes in a nervous tic.

So physically I look odd, my neck hangs down and I jump with nervous tics.

Then psychologically I'm just very disassociated and I have a weird way of talking. Like I try to talk like other people but I can't. I don't talk in an extremely different way,just In a way that is a bit monotone and dissacoiated.

I talk in such a way that people think I'm weird. For example in my last workplace, a new woman started at work . She came over and talked to me, then she went over to another woman and asked about me.

I heard the other woman say "there is something wrong with her" about me.

One acquaintance said to me another time "Laura you're mad, I can't be dealing with you"

I hate constantly being seen as weird. I feel like I can't be like everyone else. I'm trapped in this weird mind, that wasn't from my fault. :(

People can be so mean in the workplace. Do your colleagues know about your past issues? Is there anyone you trust there that you could confide in or draw some support from? I'm guessing probably not or you would have said and if you WFH I suppose you rarely see them. You actually sound like you don't need many people in your life, just one or two people that you can really talk to, connect with and trust. And I think PP's suggestion about a dog is a fabulous idea.

I hope someone comes along here soon that can offer some more meaningful help, possibly in a similar situation.

Have you looked into any Mind groups in your area? People are more likely to be understanding if they have been through similar things.

Like pps have said, it might be helpful to start small, and gradually feel your way forward.

there are some great suggestions here. Like swimming, even just once a week to star with. Or meeting up with your brother. And checking out Mind groups.

maybe just choose one suggestion to start with, and see how you get on?

when you feel ready, you could maybe see your GP and tell them your story and ask if any help is available for the physical issues. Maybe physio, for example.

but - having been through your experiences, and survived, you are already doing great. You are a success just by living. So don’t forget to congratulate yourself too.